Instead of Yemen
by Cress
Summary: Janice returns after divorcing Gary, but Chandler doesn't fake move to Yemen, because he still loves her. This drives Joey crazy, which leads to surprising consequences.
1. Oh My God

[This chapter is fairly short, but it sets up the whole premise of this AU fic. Just remember how much Chandler loved her in season 3, and how he sang "Endless Love" with Phoebe after she left.]  
  
2003  
  
Chandler was still sleeping in bed while his wife showered and got dressed. She was also singing "Lady in Red" to herself, but her unmistakable voice was drowned out by the blow dryer as she dried her long, dark hair.  
  
Finally ready to go, she returned to the master bedroom and leaned over to kiss Chandler and stroke his hair.  
  
He woke up with a yawn and smiled at her. "Morning, sweetie."  
  
"Morning," she said happily. "Listen, I already fed the chick and the duck, and now I have to go pick up Ruthie from Gary and Little Miss New Boobs, okay?"  
  
"Oh, right." Chandler remembered now. "Hey, you want me to go with you? I could get dressed--"  
  
"No, that's fine, sweetie. You stay here with Joey."  
  
He felt guilty. "But we shouldn't just let you do all the work while we sleep in."  
  
"I don't mind. You guys can make it up to me later. Besides, I need to take Ruthie shopping for some new clothes before school starts again, and we don't want to miss the early bird specials at the department stores."  
  
"Okay. And if you wanna buy yourself something pretty too, go right ahead. We've got three incomes!"  
  
She laughed her unmistakable laugh and kissed him again. "Anyway, I gotta go before I'm late. Bye-bye, Bing-a-ling." She kissed Chandler, then reached past him and kissed Joey's forehead too. "Bye, Joey." Then she waved and left, grabbing her purse on the way out.  
  
Chandler sighed and thought how lucky he was to have such a considerate and lovely wife. He and Joey should buy her a really nice anniversary gift this year.  
  
Just then, Joey stirred behind him in bed and was apparently no longer asleep. Chandler turned around and caressed his cheek. "Morning, Joe."  
  
"Morning." Joey moved the bedcovers out of the way and came close so that their naked bodies touched. "I love you."  
  
Chandler smiled and kissed him. "I love you too."  
  
Joey opened his eyes a little more and nuzzled his neck. "So, is Mrs. Bing the only one who gets to have fun with your Bing-a-ling, or is it my turn now?"  
  
Chandler laughed. "Why, I believe it is Mr. Tribbiani's turn after all! What did you have in mind?"  
  
Joey said nothing, just smiling mischievously and taking hold of Chandler's morning erection. He gave Chandler a good squeeze and kissed him hard.  
  
Moaning, Chandler marveled once more at how lucky he was to be loved by two such wonderful people at once. He felt special and treasured.  
  
***  
  
February, 1998  
  
"Isn't this amazing?" Chandler said, holding onto Janice's hand as if he would never let her go. "It's like she never left."  
  
"Oh, I wish I never left, sweetie. You're my soul mate." She kissed him and smiled.  
  
Chandler's friends did their best to be polite, despite their shock at seeing Janice again.  
  
Monica asked, "So how have you been, Janice?"  
  
"Well, I'm divorced now. Yep, I'm riding the alimony pony." She laughed her machine-gun laugh.  
  
Joey groaned and felt his skin crawl. Why did Rachel and Chandler have to run into her again? Why, God, why?!  
  
Phoebe hugged Janice and said, "I missed you!" She had always liked Janice.  
  
Chandler pouted a little. "You didn't miss her as much as I did!" He pulled Janice into his arms and kissed her.  
  
Joey felt like he could throw up. Phoebe smiled at the couple with benevolent approval. The others just stood there as if staring at a car wreck.  
  
Janice finally broke off the kiss and said, "I have to go now, sweetie. I'll see you tonight, okay?"  
  
"Okay, but don't be late." They had tickets to a Broadway show tonight.  
  
"Of course not, honey! I'm not letting my Bing-a-ling get away from me this time. Bye."  
  
"Bye."  
  
Janice smiled and waved to them all before leaving.  
  
After the door closed, Monica and Phoebe asked how this all happened, so Chandler and Rachel explained how they ran into Janice at the 14th Street nail salon earlier today.  
  
"Yeah," Rachel said, "After they started talking, they just went off together and left me while I finished my manicure."  
  
"You had a manicure too!" Monica noticed Chandler's fingernails and laughed at him.  
  
"Hey, don't make fun of me! It doesn't make me any less manly. Janice liked it."  
  
"God, she must be your soul mate if this didn't freak her out!"  
  
The girls teased him about getting a pedicure as well, and Phoebe said, "Wow, and now you're going out tonight. Can I come along? I love to hear her sing show tunes."  
  
Joey remained silent during this whole animated conversation, and when he could stand it no more, he just stormed out of the apartment. Joey thought he'd seen the last of Janice over a year ago, when she went back to Gary for the sake of their marriage and their kid, but now all of the sudden she was back in Chandler's life. Joey didn't know how he'd be able to live with it this time around. He sure as hell didn't want to find out.  
  
[So, you want to know how they got from 1998 to 2003? Leave a review and see chapters to come.] 


	2. Three's a Crowd

[A reminder: Since episode 412, TOW The Embryos, Phoebe has been pregnant; also, Joey and Chandler have switched apartments with Monica and Rachel. Janice returned to Chandler about a month later, in episode 415, TOW All the Rugby.]  
  
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Chandler didn't want Phoebe to tag along on his date with Janice, but she found a way to get around his protests. She spoke with Janice ahead of time and told her that she was pregnant and wanted advice from somebody who'd already had a baby. Chandler wanted to tell her to wait and have this talk with Janice later, or else go to her birthmom or Carol, but Janice was kindly enough to let Phoebe come with them anyway.  
  
"You have to humor a pregnant woman when she's in a mood," Janice explained to Chandler as they headed to the theatre together. Besides, she wanted to hear the full story about why Phoebe agreed to be a surrogate for her brother.  
  
After the show ended, Chandler and Janice returned from their date, with Phoebe still stubbornly following them.  
  
"Oh, you sing *Old Man River* beautifully!" Phoebe said to Janice.  
  
Chandler on the other hand knew the limits of Janice's voice, but he knew better than to say anything about it. Janice loved him despite his many faults, so he would happily look past her voice and annoying mannerisms that drove other people crazy.  
  
As they sat down on the orange couch at Central Perk, Chandler tried to hint to Phoebe that she should give them some time alone now, but Phoebe seemed as oblivious to that as she was eccentric in her taste in music.  
  
Just as Phoebe had recently believed Ross to be a musical genius with his keyboards, she believed that Janice's nasal voice was perfect for belting out show tunes. "Janice, you've got to sing a duet with me sometime! Let me get my guitar and I'll teach you Smelly Cat."  
  
Janice laughed and said, "What, I should become your new singing partner? Chandler already told me what happened with you and Leslie."  
  
"Oh he did?" Phoebe turned to Chandler with a smile. "You were talking about me to Janice?"  
  
Chandler nodded and recalled their earlier conversation after leaving the nail salon together. "Well, Janice heard those kitty litter commercials on TV and thought the song sounded familiar, so I told her how that happened."  
  
Phoebe put her hand on Janice's knee and leaned nearer. "What else has he told you so far? How Ross and Rachel broke up? How he got his third nipple removed?"  
  
Janice gasped. "Oh no! Is it true, Bing-a-ling?" Seeing his face was enough to tell her. She was shocked and disappointed. "Oh, how could you?! That was one of the most adorable parts of you!"  
  
Chandler shrugged and frowned. "Well, no one ever liked it as much as you did, and this Ginger girl broke up with me because of it. And she even had an artificial leg!" He sighed pathetically. "I just, I thought you'd never come back to me, Janice, and maybe I should worry about how I was gonna ever be with someone else. Someone who'd stay."  
  
"Oh, my poor Bing-a-ling!" Janice hugged him and put his head against her shoulder. "I'm sorry I left you, honey. I wanted to stay with you so much, but then you told me how you didn't want to break up my family like your dad's boyfriend broke up yours. I thought it was for the best."  
  
He nodded. "Yeah, but it still hurt. And when you said how much you love me, and our love was movie love, I changed my mind and begged you to stay. Why couldn't we be a happy-ending movie, not a sad one?"  
  
"I know!" She lovingly pet his head and kissed him. "Well, we can have our happy ending now, sweetie. Now I know that giving Gary another chance was a mistake, 'cause he just lied and cheated on me again. And that's no kind of home to raise my daughter in. I'm over Gary for good this time, and I'm so glad just to have another chance with you, third nipple or not."  
  
Chandler hugged her and smiled softly. "I-I still have the Lionel Richie album, if you wanna listen to it."  
  
"Oh, yes!" Phoebe nodded. "Chandler does a very good 'Endless Love'. Oh, we should all sing it together! Huh?"  
  
"Phoebe!" Chandler complained. Why couldn't she take a hint?  
  
"Oh, I know it's a duet, but we can take turns!"  
  
Janice shook her head patiently but firmly. "Maybe some other time, Phoebe. Chandler and I want to go--" she looked at him questioningly, "--go reminisce. In private." Then she and Chandler rose to go upstairs, and Phoebe finally stopped following them, although Janice thought she noticed a meaningful, almost longing look in Phoebe's eyes as she watched them go.  
  
***  
  
When Chandler let her into his and Joey's apartment, Janice looked all around and was very impressed. "Oh my God! How amazing is it that you're living here now? I cannot believe Monica was dumb enough to bet this apartment in your little game."  
  
Chandler shrugged. "Well, she's nuts about competition." He took off her coat for her and gestured for her to take a seat in the living room.  
  
Janice kept admiring all the new furniture. "You picked all this out yourself, honey? Oh, it's so swanky! You could be a decorator."  
  
Chandler was busy pouring them glasses of wine, and he laughed dismissively. "Nah. I'm just a data processor."  
  
"Oh, will you stop it! You know you could do anything else you wanted if you just tried."  
  
He smiled and shrugged. He hadn't realized how much he missed how caring and supportive she was. Unlike Chandler's friends, Janice knew all about his job and how unfulfilled he was there. She wanted him to get up the courage to quit.  
  
Chandler brought the wine glasses and sat beside her on the couch. He half joked, "You know I can't quit my job. I'm supporting Joey. And now the chick and the duck." He pointed to the birds that were wandering around the living room.  
  
Janice put her arm around him and rubbed his back. "Well, honey, I'm sure they'd want you to be happy. I mean, even if you don't quit right away, you could do something on the side for now. Like the writing you wanted to do. Or remember when you talked about doing stand-up comedy at the nightclubs?"  
  
Chandler shook his head. "I'd probably get stage fright and bomb. And just 'cause my mom's a writer doesn't mean I'd be any good."  
  
"Oh, honey-bunny!" She hugged him tight and lectured him, "Don't say that! You have gotta start believing in yourself, Chandler Bing!"  
  
"It's hard," he murmured and clung to her tightly. "Especially since you've been gone."  
  
"Well, I'm back now," she said resolutely, "and Janice is gonna make things right once and for all!"  
  
He nodded and smiled, just closing his eyes. "Are you really here, Janice? Tell me I'm not dreaming this. When you left, I used to dream about you, for months. I don't want this to be just another dream."  
  
"It isn't, honey. It isn't." She kissed him tenderly, then much more deeply.  
  
***  
  
"Oh Janice! Janice!"  
  
"Yes, Chandler! Oh yes!"  
  
Joey grimaced as he heard the sex noises coming from Chandler's (formerly Rachel's) bedroom. He covered his ears and felt like he could vomit again. Joey had just come home after staying out most of the night, but he should have remembered how Janice had a way of making sex last all night or all day once she got started.  
  
Why the hell wasn't she at home with her little girl? Why couldn't she still be with Gary, huh? Joey wanted to storm out in disgust, but he had nowhere else to go at this time of night.  
  
He'd tried going over to Ross's place, but Ross was busy with Emily. He'd tried going to Phoebe, but she was depressed about something and kept talking about how wonderful Janice was. Like last time, Rachel and Monica adopted the attitude of "She's Chandler's girlfriend now, so no matter how annoying she is, we should just accept her."  
  
No one understood, so Joey had gone out to the bars to drink. He even tried to pick up a girl to go home with, but when he tried kissing her, he kept thinking about Chandler and Janice. Now he was out of money, and couldn't even take one of the late trains to Queens to stay with his folks.  
  
But how could he possibly stay here and keep listening to THAT? If it weren't still winter, Joey thought he might go outside and sleep on the balcony. But then he realized that he could go sleep on Monica and Rachel's couch. So Joey hurried to get a pillow and blankets from his bedroom, trying not to hear more of those awful noises than necessary. Seeing Hugsy on his bed, Joey grabbed the penguin too and got out of the apartment quickly. 


	3. Taking Turns

After climaxing together, Chandler and Janice collapsed onto the bed breathlessly. Sex was always great between them. With other women, Chandler had a tendency to go too fast, making it merely "nice" at best or "awkward and bumpy" at worst. Monica's recent sex advice had improved his performance with Kathy, but it was still nothing compared to the marathons of lovemaking that he had experienced with Janice. Somehow, Janice knew exactly how to guide Chandler and calm his over-excited impulses; she took him to the brink of ecstasy and back again, showing him the exquisite pleasure of patiently drawing things out. And even after an orgasm, he could often recover his erection quickly, if she gave him the proper attention. Janice was like a thundering rainstorm making up for all of Chandler's long dry spells.  
  
"Oh Janice," he sighed, closing his eyes and snuggling up to her in the darkness. "I love you so much."  
  
She smiled and kissed him softly. "I love you too, Bing-a-ling. Didn't I tell you we were soul mates?"  
  
He nodded and quipped, "We should get matching tattoos that say 'Chan and Jan forever.'"  
  
She laughed out loud. "Ah, so you do remember those candy hearts I got you for Valentine's day! I bet you're sorry you broke up with me back then, 'cause then I wouldn't have moved on with Gary in the first place."  
  
"Yeah, I am." He pouted a little. "Hey, is it wrong for me to want to beat up the father of your kid?"  
  
She chuckled and hugged him protectively. "Just don't try to do it. It would probably upset Ruthie, and I don't want my precious little honey-bunny getting hurt at all." She rubbed noses with him.  
  
Chandler kissed her and spoke with unusual bravado, "You're worth it, baby."  
  
"And you're worth protecting!" She smiled and lightly caressed one of his two remaining nipples. "Now, next time, you consult me before you get anything lopped off your body. I'm still mad that that crazy Monica sliced off your little toe. Was she just cranky that Thanksgiving, or what?"  
  
"Maybe she just had too little to eat, because of her diet," Chandler suggested. "It was like my camp girlfriend Julie, but in reverse." He motioned with his hands to show how Monica had gone from enormous to petite in just one year.  
  
She laughed. "If you ask me, Monica overdid the dieting. In fact, I think all three of them could stand to gain some weight. They should know that men don't like skeletons."  
  
"They sure don't." Chandler laid his head against her ample bosom and enjoyed himself.  
  
"Although Phoebe's not so bad," Janice spoke thoughtfully. "You know, it might have been my imagination, but I think she was flirting with me tonight."  
  
"What?" Chandler laughed at the notion. "You've gotta be kidding!"  
  
"I could be mistaken, I suppose." Janice gave an exaggerated sigh and shrugged. "Oh well, I guess we won't be having a threesome after all."  
  
Chandler's eyes opened wide, and he stammered like a drooling idiot, "Th-th-threesome?"  
  
She couldn't resist having fun with him; he just looked so adorable. "It's too bad. I wanted to give you a special treat, honey, but maybe I'll just have to tell you all my lesbian stories again." Janice had often told Chandler stories about her lesbian experiences in the past, knowing that it made him hot.  
  
"Wait, wait! Are you sure she doesn't want to have a, a threesome?" He swallowed and looked desperate now, rather than skeptical.  
  
"Well, she did want to tag along an awful lot, and sing with me, and touch me, and 'take turns' as she said."  
  
Chandler saw her point and licked his lips. "That--that sounds good. So, uh, can we really do it, Janice? You're not kidding or anything? You'd really do stuff with her? In front of me?" Janice had never let him watch or participate before, and the mere thought excited him a great deal.  
  
She nodded and smiled. "You know I'd do anything for you, sweetie. I just have to make sure I'm right about Phoebe first, and then we can make arrangements. Talk over some ground rules."  
  
"Okay!" After a moment, Chandler added, practically begging, "And if Phoebe doesn't want to do it, can we ask some other girl instead? Like, who was that college friend you got drunk and naughty with?"  
  
Janice chuckled and pet his head. "Don't you worry, honey. We'll find somebody. Just as long as you don't like her more than me. I might get jealous."  
  
"No, no, no!" he hugged her close and kissed her again. "Don't worry. I promise I'll be good, Janice. I won't even touch her if you want. I'll just watch you guys doing stuff. I don't care who the girl is or how hot. She'd never change how much I love you. I never want you to leave me again."  
  
"Oh, I'm definitely gonna stay!" she assured him with a smile. "You just let me know if you get jealous about me and her, though."  
  
They both laughed at the absurdity, and Chandler said, "I'd only get jealous if you were with another guy. Like Gary."  
  
"Trust me, Gary is history, and the only guy I want is my Bing-a-ling."  
  
Chandler kissed her happily. "Even if I'm not a muscular stud with giant man nipples?" He remembered Kathy's co-star Nick vividly, as it was only a couple of weeks ago.  
  
"Baby, you're just fine with me. I think you're sexy just being you." She grinned and admired his fingernails again. "Especially when you do adorable things like this! If you like manicures, maybe we can go to a spa together sometime. Get facials and stuff."  
  
"Okay!" he said, without any sarcasm. It was so great that he could be himself with Janice, and she never made him feel insecure. Not that many women would be this understanding, he was sure.  
  
With a smile, Janice began kissing and rubbing him passionately, deciding that it was time for another round of lovemaking. Chandler moaned and reciprocated eagerly, starting to get lost in the depths of her bosom again.  
  
Janice breathed seductively, "You want me to tell you another lesbian story, honey? Get you in the mood?"  
  
Chandler liked the sound of that, but he had another idea. "Hey, um, I could--I could tell you a story."  
  
"Oh?" she asked with surprise. "About what?"  
  
"Well, um, remember when I mentioned my last girlfriend Kathy? You see, I was still moping over her for a few days, so Phoebe and the other girls took me to a strip club last week."  
  
"Oh, they did, did they?" Janice laughed. "It must have been a nice change from Joey and Ross taking you!"  
  
Chandler shook his head. "No, it wasn't really fun at first. Not at the club. But after the girls took me home, they starting talking about the strippers, and they were saying all this sexy, lesbian stuff."  
  
Janice smirked. "Ah. I can see how you'd enjoy that!"  
  
"Yeah, it was so hot! Monica said the strippers were pretty, and Phoebe said she liked Candy the fighter pilot. Then they were all talking about who they were gonna sleep with and which stripper had the smoothest skin! I was like a kid in a candy store, only the candy had naked ladies on it."  
  
She chuckled heartily at his simile.  
  
Then Chandler sighed and sounded a little disappointed. "Of course, my friends didn't want to actually do any of it. Not even a little threesome, or something I could watch." He kissed her gratefully. "You're so great, Janice! Thank you, thank you!"  
  
She dismissed it with a wave of her hand. "Oh, you're welcome, Bing-a-ling. You know, it'll be pretty exciting for me too. I haven't even made out with a woman since before I married Gary and had to get all serious and matronly. But now that I'm free again, you and me could do some fun stuff to celebrate our getting back together. I mean, as long as there's time for it; I still gotta be a good mother to Ruthie."  
  
Chandler nodded. "I know. Hey, I was thinking that she could play with Ben whenever Ross or Monica do some babysitting. Joey might help too."  
  
"That would be nice." Janice was glad that Chandler was being so thoughtful already. Soon she would teach Chandler how to help out too, so that he could eventually become a stepfather to Ruthie. She could see that Chandler would make a great parent one day, when he had the confidence.  
  
"You are so sweet, Chandler Bing! Mwa! I could kiss you all over."  
  
"Lucky me!" He grinned and wrestled with her passionately under the covers. He was very glad that Janice had managed to get Ruthie's grandparents to babysit all night on such short notice. He really needed this night with Janice to confirm and renew their love. It had been such a long year without her.  
  
Janice started talking dirty. "So, Phoebe liked the fighter pilot, huh? Wonder if she'll wear any kind of uniform and strip for us."  
  
At that moment, Chandler loved her more than life itself.  
  
[If Chandler seems a little too effeminate, and Janice too tolerant of it, it's because I need them to have a slightly weird (kinky?) relationship for what happens later.] 


	4. A New Day

When Monica woke up and went into the living room, she was surprised to find Joey lying on her couch. "Joey? What are you--?"  
  
Just then, Joey rolled over in his sleep, shifting the blankets enough to reveal that he was naked.  
  
Monica screamed in horror and startled him awake.  
  
"Huh?" He groaned and rubbed his eyes. "Oh. Monica, you're worse than the rooster in the morning."  
  
"What are you doing over here?" she demanded, still covering her eyes. "And naked on my couch? That's where we all sit! Now I'll have to sterilize it!" Actually, that wasn't so bad. She loved sterilizing stuff.  
  
"Sorry." He sat up and adjusted the blankets in embarrassment. "You and Rachel were already asleep when I came over, and I thought you wouldn't mind."  
  
"I don't, as long as you keep your clothes on. Why couldn't you sleep at your place anyway?"  
  
Joey frowned and clutched Hugsy close to him. "I couldn't take hearing Chandler and Janice all night."  
  
"Oh!" Monica chuckled knowingly. "So they were loud, huh? Serves you right for all the nights you kept Chandler awake."  
  
Joey was not amused. "It's not funny."  
  
She put her hands on her hips. "What, you're still upset about Janice? Come on, Joey, get over it already. You accepted her the last time."  
  
"I was just being polite, for his sake. Just so I could still hang out with him. But I could barely fake it then, and now she's back, and I still can't stand her. She's so--so--!"  
  
"I know, but she makes him happy. Don't you want Chandler to be happy?"  
  
Joey groaned in frustration. "I do, but--but why does it have to be her? Why her?! Of all the girlfriends he ever had, why not somebody I could stand, like Kathy or Joanna or somebody?"  
  
"I don't know. But he just loves her and she loves him. I mean, how surprised can you really be about this? Chandler kept coming back to her over and over, breakup after breakup, as if they were meant to be. I think they really might be soul mates."  
  
Joey gasped in horror at that. "No!!! Why, God, why?"  
  
Monica threw up her hands. "Fine. Sulk if you want to. But I'm going to take a shower now, and when I get back, I expect you to be dressed and gone, so I can sterilize that couch!" She turned and went into the bathroom, locking the door just in case he was tempted to take a peek.  
  
Joey didn't want to leave the apartment, but he didn't know how angry Monica might get if he stayed. Plus, Rachel might wake up soon and have a hissy fit about his nakedness too. So Joey reluctantly got dressed, then gathered up his blankets, pillow, and Hugsy.  
  
As he opened the apartment door, he unfortunately ran into Chandler saying goodbye to Janice.  
  
"Do you have to leave so soon?" Chandler kissed her and clung to her arms.  
  
She nodded. "Yeah, sweetie, I'm sorry. I've gotta pick up Ruthie from my parents. I really can't stay for breakfast."  
  
"But I'll miss you!" he pleaded.  
  
"I know. I'll miss you too, Bing-a-ling. You call me at work, and I'll see if we can meet for lunch or something, okay?"  
  
"Okay." But he still wouldn't quite let her go.  
  
She freed her purse from his grasp and kissed his cheek again. "Bye, sweetie."  
  
"Bye."  
  
"I love you."  
  
"Love you." Chandler sighed wistfully and watched her hurry down the stairs.  
  
Joey hated to see Chandler staring after her with so much adoration in his eyes. If only there were some way to cure him of Janice and get him interested in someone else. He'd only just got over Kathy, after all.  
  
After Janice was out of sight and hearing, Chandler finally turned and noticed Joey standing there in the doorway. "Joe? What are you doing over there?" He noticed the bedding and penguin in his hands. "You stayed the night with them? I thought you were just out with some girl."  
  
Joey shrugged and lied, "I-I was just missing the old apartment, that's all." He brushed past Chandler and returned to their new apartment.  
  
Chandler followed him inside and shut the door. "Really? That old place? But it's so much smaller, and dirty, and messed up by all our games of Hammer Darts and stuff."  
  
On his way to his bedroom, Joey stopped and frowned at him. "But we had great times there. It's like home."  
  
Chandler realized his insensitivity and came closer. "Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, it was really great, Joe. It's just, for me, that place has some bad memories too, like when Eddie lived there. I like this place better 'cause it has more room for all our new stuff, and the birds can roam around more. To me, home is wherever we both are."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yeah." Chandler nodded and hugged him affectionately. "Hey, what do you say I make you some pancakes and make this really feel like home?"  
  
"Pancakes? I thought you didn't know how to make them?"  
  
"Janice taught me how to make them last time. Don't you remember?" Then he thought about it. "Oh wait, you might have been preoccupied with Monica's jam at the time."  
  
Joey frowned. "Oh. Right." He turned and put his bedding back into his (formerly Monica's) room.  
  
Chandler just went to the kitchen and started mixing some pancake batter, humming happily all the while. He wished that he could be making this breakfast for Janice, but maybe this weekend she'd have time to stay longer.  
  
***  
  
After he showered and dressed that morning, Joey didn't want any of the pancakes that Chandler made for breakfast.  
  
"How can you not be hungry?" he asked in disbelief. "You're always hungry."  
  
"I just--I just would rather have some cereal."  
  
Chandler was suspicious. "Is it because I made the pancakes? Come on, I'm not a bad cook! At least try it. I eat all the pasta that you make."  
  
To not insult Chandler, Joey took a bite of one pancake.  
  
Chandler pouted. "That's a teeny tiny bite! I can't be that bad. I'm not Rachel!"  
  
"Okay, okay." Joey finally took the stack of pancakes that Chandler offered him, and he poured a lot of syrup onto it. Yeah, it was silly not to eat it. It wasn't like Janice had made the pancakes. Chandler did.  
  
Smiling, Chandler was very pleased and proud. "See! Isn't that good?"  
  
Joey nodded, with his mouth full.  
  
"Janice says they're delicious, even better than hers. She said that if I wanted to learn how to cook other stuff, she could teach me."  
  
Joey swallowed, forcing himself not to say anything bad about Janice. He drank some juice and shrugged as casually as he could. "You don't need her to show you. I could teach you to make some stuff."  
  
Chandler said, "Well sure. Or Monica the chef could teach me, if she wasn't so anal and bossy about it." He giggled excitedly, "No, but Janice said it would be some fun stuff. Sexy stuff. Kind of like fooling around in the kitchen."  
  
Joey put down his fork and was no longer hungry.  
  
"What's the matter?"  
  
"I'm full."  
  
"Full?" Was there any such thing as Joey Tribbiani being full?  
  
Joey lied again. "Uh, I gotta get to an audition soon."  
  
Chandler stared at him. "You do? But you didn't rehearse anything with me lately."  
  
Joey coughed and stood up. "Well you were busy with Janice."  
  
"Oh, I didn't know. You wanna rehearse with me now?"  
  
"No, I-I went over the lines with the gang instead. Anyway, I gotta go now. Thanks for the pancakes." He headed toward the door.  
  
"Wait!" Chandler came over and wiped some syrup off the side of Joey's mouth.  
  
"Um, thanks."  
  
Chandler wished him good luck, and then Joey left. Noticing some syrup sticking to his fingers instead of the napkin, Chandler licked his fingertips and started to clean up.  
  
Going down the stairs, Joey realized that he had no idea where to go, not having any money. He decided he would walk to Central Park and hang out there until Chandler left for work. Then he could go home and sulk some more about Janice. 


	5. Taking Baby Steps

When Chandler met Janice for lunch, he surprised her with a teddy bear. "Uh, I don't know if Ruthie would rather have a doll or something, but I thought this might be cute."  
  
"Oh, sweetie, thank you! It's so adorable, just like you!" She laughed and kissed him happily. "Oooh, I'm sure she'll love it, honey. Hey, listen, I'm going to bring Ruthie with me tonight, so she can thank you in person."  
  
"Oh really? Tonight?" Chandler gulped nervously. He hadn't seen Ruthie since she was just an infant in a stroller who slept and cried a lot of the time; by now she ought to be an active toddler, much like Ben. However, Chandler hadn't spent any time with Ben lately, and even if he had, surely there were differences between girls and boys? "Uh, can she actually talk?"  
  
Janice nodded. "Yeah, a little bit; she doesn't always make sense, but she's very cute. Oh my God, she has grown so much, Chandler! I can't wait for you to see her."  
  
"Sure," he said with a shrug. "I mean, as long as I don't have to change a diaper or anything." He tried to speak jokingly, but then asked rather seriously, and hopefully, "Is she potty trained yet?"  
  
Janice laughed and shook her head. "No but we're working on it! Don't worry, I'll bring a diaper bag along and handle all that stuff. You just have dinner ready and be the sweet honey-bunny you are!" She kissed him.  
  
Chandler suggested, "Oh, and I could see if Ross or Monica can come babysit, too."  
  
"No, actually I was hoping it could be just the three of us tonight, Chandler."  
  
"Just us?" He frowned anxiously. "You do know that the last time a babysat a kid, I left him behind on a bus?"  
  
She laughed, but hugged him reassuringly. "Well, that can't happen if we stay inside the apartment! Come on, honey, it's okay. Don't be scared. I know you don't know much about kids, but I just want you to meet her and play with her for a while. Let's see if she remembers you at all, okay? I'll be there the whole time, I promise."  
  
"But, but is she gonna stay with us all night?" He felt somewhat guilty for asking this, but he couldn't help it. "I mean, like, when we're having sex?"  
  
Janice was surprised that he wasn't worn out from last night. "Sweetie, I can't stay the whole night again, not this soon. I thought we could just have dinner and talk and play with Ruthie. I mean, maybe, if one of your friends wants to watch her for half an hour, maybe you and me could have a quickie, but we really ought to save the big stuff for this weekend, you know?"  
  
"Oh. Okay. Sure."  
  
She met his eyes with concern. "You really okay with this, Bing-a-ling?"  
  
Chandler nodded and hugged her. "Yeah, of course. I'm sorry for being selfish. As long as I can see you tonight, I don't care what we do."  
  
"Good," she said with a kiss. "And you know, if you can invite Phoebe to drop by for a little while, I could maybe have a discreet talk with her about our plans for the weekend."  
  
"Oh!" Chandler grinned happily at the reminder of the proposed threesome. "You mean we could do that this weekend?"  
  
"Sure, if she'll agree to it. If not, though, we might have to postpone your treat until I can find some other girl to join us."  
  
"Yeah I know," he answered. "But I hope Phoebe'll do it, 'cause I can hardly wait!"  
  
She laughed, then glanced at her watch. "Oh, sweetie, you gotta get back to work! I'll see you tonight, okay?" She kissed him and walked him to the studio door.  
  
"Okay. I'll tell Phoebe to come over."  
  
"Good. Then you can leave the rest to me. Bye. I love you." She blew him a kiss.  
  
"I love you!" He caught the kiss from her and treasured it for a giddy moment. Then he caught a cab back to his office and decided to call Phoebe before he forgot.  
  
***  
  
Joey was still sulking at home, and he went through his little black book of addresses with determination. He was trying to decide which of these girls might be willing to do him a favor if he asked. Chandler seemed to like dating Joey's ex-girlfriends after all. Maybe if Joey arranged an "accidental" meeting, he could tempt Chandler away from Janice.  
  
Then the phone rang, and he answered it. "Hello?"  
  
"Hey, Joe! I'm glad I caught you at home. How'd your audition go?"  
  
"Huh? Oh, uh, not good. I didn't get the part. But you know who I ran into? Remember Denise DiMarco? She's still hot!"  
  
Chandler laughed at the enthusiasm in his voice. "What, are you gonna see her again?"  
  
"Nah, she's still mad at me for not calling her. But you know, she remembered you and said she thought you were cute and funny." It was okay to fib to his best friend, right? To get rid of Janice, Joey was willing to go to any length.  
  
"What? That's weird. We only talked for like two seconds the morning after you promoted your little major to a general." He chuckled and wondered whether his own Bing-a-ling deserved a new nickname after last night with Janice.  
  
Joey continued lying, "Well, uh, you must have made quite an impression on her, Chandler. She wanted to know if you were single now."  
  
Chandler laughed again. "Well, I hope you told her that she was too late! Hey, speaking of Janice, can I ask you something?"  
  
Joey frowned and didn't say anything.  
  
Chandler continued obliviously, "You babysit your nieces a lot, right? Well, Janice wants to bring her kid over tonight, and I wanna make a good impression. So can you tell me some games I can do with a two-year-old? Like, does peek-a-boo still work? How does The Itsy Bitsy Spider song go? Oh, wait, should I even mention spiders? Would that scare her? I just don't want to act stupid or anything."  
  
Joey tried to change the subject. "Hey, you sure you wanna hang out with her kid? Isn't Janice moving a little too fast? You just got together yesterday."  
  
Chandler sounded relatively calm, though. "Well, I sort of met Ruthie the last time, and I guess we're picking up where we left off. Janice says she won't make me change diapers or anything, so I think this will be okay."  
  
"Yeah, but I think she's putting too much pressure on you. Like she's trying to replace Gary with you."  
  
"What? Janice loves me; that's why she came back. She told me Gary is a rotten father anyway. If anything, I'll prove I'm better than him."  
  
"Chandler, you really want to be a parent to somebody else's kid? It's like she's trying to trap you into a commitment and marriage already. Maybe you should see Denise after all. Huh?"  
  
"No, Joey!" He was highly offended. "What are you talking about? I just asked you for some advice--"  
  
"I'm trying to give you some advice, Chandler! Look, I don't think you should trust Janice yet. She's already cheated on you once--"  
  
Chandler hung up on him.  
  
Joey sighed and put the phone down. Glancing at his black book again, Joey tossed it aside in defeat and went to the fridge for another beer.  
  
In his office, Chandler fumed over Joey's words for a while, realizing that maybe Joey still hated Janice and was trying to sabotage their renewed relationship. Chandler decided to ignore Joey for now and give him the silent treatment until he learned to show Janice some respect.  
  
After calming down, Chandler picked up the phone again and started to dial Ross's number instead. Ross could give him some kid advice, without badmouthing Janice. 


	6. Making Up

[In the last chapter, I underestimated the age of Janice's daughter. In early season two, Janice appeared to be very pregnant, and possibly due in another month or two. In early season three, when Janice was dating Chandler, she referred to her kid as still a baby (but didn't specify either sex or age). If "baby" means an infant no older than 12 months, the child should be about 2.5 years old now. (We are now in mid season four, about 15 months since Janice last broke up with Chandler). So I guess it's inaccurate to still call this toddler a baby, which means I've made the necessary alterations to the previous chapter.]  
  
-  
  
-  
  
Chandler came home from work and started to put his briefcase away, but then he found Joey passed out on the couch, with a lot of empty beer bottles on the nearby table. The birds were hanging around him too, sniffing at the bottles curiously. They were trying to figure out how to get a sip of the leftover beverage despite their beaks not being suited to the narrow bottlenecks.  
  
"Great! Just what I need!" Chandler grumbled as he tossed down the briefcase and started cleaning up the mess left by his roommate.  
  
Joey woke up from all the racket, and drunkenly rolled over to see Chandler there. "Hey--" he tried to sit up, but fell back from dizziness. "Ohhh!" he groaned.  
  
Chandler snorted disdainfully and shooed the birds into another room. He hoped that Joey's hangover was throbbingly painful.  
  
Sitting up slowly, Joey made another attempt to speak, "Hey, Chandler--"  
  
"I'm not speaking to you!" he snapped, gathering up the bottles and going to dump them in the trash.  
  
Joey frowned, realizing both the time and how angry Chandler was. He didn't want to lose their friendship over this, so he tried to sober up as much as he could. "Chandler!" he called out, but got no answer. "Chandler, please, I'm sorry. I--"  
  
"I thought we were friends, Joe!" Chandler replied sternly, "but is this how a friend acts?" He gestured to the mess, then came back with a rag to wipe up the table.  
  
"I-I didn't mean--"  
  
"I just asked you to help me out, but all you can do is badmouth my girlfriend, and act like a jerk!" He scowled and suspected that Joey had got drunk on purpose to make him look bad in front of Janice. "If you can't be sober, then at least go into your room and sleep it off! And you better not come out to bother us on our date, or I'll block your door from the outside."  
  
Joey grew even more worried by Chandler's unforgiving tone. "What? No! No, please--" Despite his unsteadiness, he got off the couch and grabbed Chandler's arms, begging him to listen.  
  
"Stop it!" Chandler protested and tried to push Joey off him. "You had no right to say those things about Janice. I love her!"  
  
Joey gulped but clung to him desperately. "I'm sorry! I know I was wrong. I-I was an idiot." He hugged Chandler closer and sank down, groveling at his knees. "I won't do it again, Chandler. I'm sorry. Please!"  
  
Chandler finally melted and sat down with Joey on the floor, feeling rather surprised by his roommate's outpouring of tears. But that could be just the alcohol affecting Joey. "You're really sorry?" he asked quietly.  
  
Joey nodded and met his eyes contritely. "Yeah. And, and I didn't mean to get so drunk. I was just, I was upset, and I lost track, and I was gonna call you back, but I didn't know what to say. I..."  
  
Chandler didn't wait to hear more, just hugging him tightly and letting the embrace speak louder than words.  
  
Joey clung to him and wiped his tears away with relief. "I'm sorry," Joey whispered again. "I'll, I'll help you clean up here, and, um, I'll tell you all that kid stuff you wanted to know." He hated the idea of having to help Chandler get closer to Janice and Ruthie, but if that was what it took to make amends to Chandler, then he had to do it. He couldn't lose his best friend.  
  
Chandler was touched by the offer, but shook his head. "No, that's okay, Joe. I already asked Ross instead."  
  
"Oh." Joey was partly glad, as he felt too drunk to give any coherent advice just now, but he also couldn't help feeling a little bit hurt that Chandler could so easily replace him with their other friends.  
  
Feeling that they ought to talk this out, Chandler pulled them off the floor and onto the couch, still keeping a hand on Joey's arm. "So tell me, honestly, do you hate Janice?"  
  
Joey squirmed and looked away. "I never used the word hate."  
  
"Come on!" he insisted, making Joey meet his eyes. "I know you couldn't stand her last time, Joe, but I thought you moved past that."  
  
"I told you I was faking it. I was trying so hard--"  
  
"Well, why can't you keep trying then? You were at least polite before."  
  
Joey shrugged, and pouted uncertainly. "I don't know. I guess I just--I just got used to her being gone all this time, and I thought it was for good, and I don't know how to handle her being back."  
  
"Well, you gotta be supportive," Chandler answered, "and stop saying mean junk about her! She's my girlfriend, and you have to accept that."  
  
Joey nodded, but didn't look very happy about that.  
  
Chandler sat closer to him and tried to be understanding. "Look, I know Janice can be annoying, but you have to at least tolerate her, Joe; everybody else does. They're all nice to her and don't complain or anything. In fact, Phoebe even really likes her." And he hoped she liked her enough to have a threesome.  
  
Joey frowned and said reluctantly, "I'll try, Chandler. For you. But can I, can I just not be around Janice now? I mean, if she's staying here again, then I'd rather go somewhere else tonight."  
  
Realizing that this must have been the reason why Joey had slept at the other apartment last night, Chandler got annoyed but suggested a compromise. "No, she's not staying here tonight. It's just dinner and a play date with her kid. But Janice will probably stay over this weekend, so um, maybe you can go across the hall then and help Monica babysit Ruthie for us. Okay?"  
  
"Yeah, okay."  
  
"Good." Not great, but good enough. Chandler let go of Joey and got up. "Well, I gotta finish cleaning up this place."  
  
"I'll help--"  
  
"No, no! Can you just go change your clothes and get rid of that stink on your breath?"  
  
Joey nodded and left for his room. By the time that he was presentable again, and headed to the bathroom for some aspirin, Chandler had changed his clothes too for his date.  
  
He was also trying to cover up the smell of beer by spraying some air freshener around. Maybe he ought to borrow some scented candles too. Hey, maybe Phoebe could bring something over?  
  
Joey hesitantly approached him. "Hey. So, uh, should I go now? What time does she get here?" He could always while away a couple of hours with the gang, he hoped.  
  
Chandler checked his watch. "Uh, not till eight. She lives way over in Chelsea, you know, and wants to allow enough time to get Ruthie ready too."  
  
"Oh. Yeah." Joey frowned and hated how stilted their conversation was. "Well, um, good luck with the kid. I guess I should go see what everybody else is doing for dinner..." He started to leave, but Chandler suddenly stopped him.  
  
"Wait! Um, I just remembered something, Joe." He was clearly panicking now. Chandler had got so worked up about Ruthie, and inviting Phoebe, that he forgot about making dinner. "We're--we're supposed to have dinner here, in the apartment, and I don't think pancakes are appropriate!" he laughed weakly. "Um, uh, before our fight, Joey, I was gonna ask you to help me cook something, and after, I thought I'd ask Monica instead, but then I remembered how she gets so bossy and freaky. And you know, this being last minute... Uh, I-I don't know if you'd help me with this or not, but would you? Please?"  
  
Joey saw how much this meant to Chandler, so he nodded despite his reservations. "Sure, um, we can make some pasta or something. No problem. Uh, first let me check if we have enough ingredients, or we'll have to make a quick trip to the store."  
  
"Yeah, okay. Thank you!" He hugged Joey with immense relief and gratitude.  
  
Joey was happy that the rift between them had apparently mended, and perhaps he wasn't so replaceable as a friend after all. At least for now, staying close to Chandler was worth putting up with Janice. After their hug, they hurried to check the contents of their pantry and refrigerator to see what they had to work with.  
  
They indeed had to make a run to the grocery store, but Joey assured them that they'd have enough time, for his mom had taught him plenty of fast pasta recipes.  
  
After they got home with the groceries, Joey started cooking dinner and he hardly felt the effects of his hangover at all anymore. Chandler was helping him by making a salad too, and they hurried to get done in time. Joey usually would be annoyed to have someone hovering around while he cooked, but this kitchen was much bigger than the one in their old apartment, so Chandler didn't really get in his way.  
  
It was actually kind of fun and relaxing, hanging out like this. Maybe they should cook together more often. Chandler kept cracking jokes about their teamwork too, and would often pat or rub Joey's arm absently, as if it were a silent gesture of having no hard feelings from their earlier fight. Feeling slightly jealous, Joey hoped that Chandler wouldn't have this much fun with Janice, if and when she taught him how to cook more stuff; just the thought of Chandler and Janice "fooling around" in the kitchen was enough to turn him off using this kitchen again.  
  
When Joey paused to taste the pasta sauce with a spoon, he spilled some sauce on his chin, and Chandler reached over to wipe it off for him. Then he started to wipe his hand on a towel, but changed his mind and licked his fingers clean instead.  
  
"You want a taste too?" Joey asked with surprise, offering the spoon to him.  
  
Chandler grinned and shook his head with a laugh. "Just making sure that you're not sabotaging my dinner."  
  
"Nah! I'd never poison your dinner." If it was just Janice's dinner, though... but Joey brushed such thoughts away. He didn't want to get Chandler mad again, and besides, Janice might be inclined to feed her daughter some of the vegetables or pasta, considering Ruthie's current age. 


	7. Play Date

As Joey finished cooking, he glanced at the clock and realized that it was a quarter to eight already. "Oh, uh, I better go before Janice gets here."  
  
"What? Oh, I guess so." Chandler frowned in disappointment, having forgotten for a moment that Joey hated Janice. He had hoped, especially after Joey forgave him for kissing Kathy, that no other girlfriend would ever come between them again, but apparently that was just wishful thinking.  
  
While Joey hurried to clean up in the kitchen, Chandler went to finish setting the table. With the addition of a glass top and a tablecloth, the foosball table had been made more dining-friendly, and he added candles too to make it more romantic.  
  
Joey grabbed his coat and started to leave. "Okay, um, have a good date. I gotta go--"  
  
"Wait," Chandler asked. "Who are you gonna have dinner with, Joe?"  
  
He shrugged. "I don't know. I'll catch the gang maybe."  
  
"But they might have already gone out by now. Um, here," he grabbed his credit card from his wallet, "take this."  
  
"Really?" Chandler hadn't trusted him with his credit card in a while.  
  
"Yeah, go ahead. Take some girl out if you want to. I don't mind. Go on."  
  
Joey hesitantly took the card and put it in his pocket. "Uh, thanks."  
  
"No, thank you!" Chandler hugged him close. "You really helped me tonight, even though you don't..." He glanced at his watch and let go. "I better not keep you. Bye, Joe."  
  
"Bye," Joey said, closing the door and going down the stairs. But he ran into Janice coming upstairs, carrying her daughter and a folded up high chair.  
  
"Hey, Joey!" She greeted him with her trademark laugh.  
  
"Uh, hey," he grimaced and tried to get around her without seeming rude.  
  
"Joey, would you be a doll and take Ruthie upstairs for me? These stairs are killer, and she's gotten so much heavier and squirmy lately. Here," she rather presumptuously handed Joey her daughter and the high chair. "Thanks. Now tell Chandler I'll be there soon. I just gotta go back downstairs and get her bag with her toys and stuff." Janice had left the bag with Gunther in Central Perk.  
  
With a groan, Joey headed back upstairs, trying not to get mad at the fidgety toddler; she was just an innocent kid, and possibly unaware of how grating her mother was. "Ruthie, promise me you won't turn out like your mother," he muttered under his breath.  
  
Joey knocked and waited for Chandler to open the door for him. Chandler came to the door rather excitedly and almost kissed him.  
  
"Jan--uh, Joey!" he caught himself and jumped back in shock. "What are you doing with Ruthie?"  
  
"Uh, I ran into Janice on the stairs. She had to go get a bag that she left downstairs."  
  
"Oh. Well, thank you."  
  
Joey shrugged dismissively. "So you wanna...?" He tried to hand Chandler the toddler, but Chandler backed away nervously.  
  
"She's crying!" He looked scared to death of the toddler.  
  
"Probably just missing her mother," Joey said, trying to hush her. "Can you take the chair at least?"  
  
Chandler took the high chair from him, but looked at it with confusion. He went over to the foosball table and tried to figure out how to unfold the chair.  
  
Joey came in, bouncing Ruthie to try to calm her down. "It's probably one of those levers--"  
  
"Ow!" Chandler suddenly snapped the chair open but caught his finger in it. He started swearing as he tried to free himself.  
  
Ruthie screamed too, and after being torn for a moment, Joey decided to put her down on a recliner so that he could rush over to assist Chandler.  
  
"You okay?" Joey finally extricated his finger.  
  
"No, I'm not okay! I just cursed in front the kid, and she's crying, and--" He stopped to suck on his injured finger.  
  
Joey picked up Ruthie again and rocked her. "It's okay, Chandler. Janice is gonna be back in a second. Stop overreacting."  
  
"I'm not!" Chandler put his hand in the ice with the bottle of wine. "This is a disaster. I knew I'd do something stupid. I just knew it!"  
  
Janice arrived then with the bag of Ruthie's stuff. "Hey, Chandler, I'm here! Gosh, I'm so used to the elevators in my building." As she came over to kiss Chandler, she noticed his grimace. "What's wrong with your hand, sweetie?"  
  
"I got caught in the high chair."  
  
"Oh no! You didn't have to set that up. I was gonna do it. Are you okay?"  
  
He shrugged and mumbled pathetically. Janice started to hug him, but then stopped to take Ruthie from Joey. "Shh, calm down, Ruthie. Joey's not scary. He's our friend."  
  
Joey frowned and said, "Uh, I gotta go."  
  
"Oh, well thanks, Joey. Maybe some night you can stick around and Ruthie can get to know her Uncle Joey better."  
  
Joey didn't answer, simply faking a smile and leaving. He already knew that he'd be babysitting Ruthie this weekend, but he didn't want to think about the weekend yet. He just wanted to get away and pretend that Chandler wasn't still in love with her.  
  
***  
  
After Janice had calmed Ruthie and reassured Chandler that she forgave him for swearing, they all sat down and ate dinner together. Ruthie didn't really remember Chandler, but seemed to warm up to him after he made some silly faces for her.  
  
Janice tasted the pasta and found it delicious. "Oh my God, this is to die for! Remind me to ask Joey for the recipe."  
  
Chandler kept watching Ruthie chewing messily. "Wow, she doesn't even have all her teeth yet."  
  
Janice laughed. "Yeah, I just have to is cut her food into pieces first, then she'll gobble it all up herself. You're such a big girl now, aren't you? Aren't you?"  
  
"Well, I still like Mommy kissing my boo-boos," Chandler joked, offering his finger to her again.  
  
She laughed out loud and started to kiss his hurt finger again.  
  
Just then, someone knocked on the door. "Hey, it's Phoebe."  
  
"Pheebs!" Chandler looked excited.  
  
Janice gestured for him to shush and be discreet, then called out, "Come in, sweetie."  
  
Phoebe entered with her guitar and smiled. "Is that Ruthie? Oh, she's so cute!"  
  
"Thank you! Come and sit down," Janice said, looking around for another chair to pull over to the table. "Do you want to eat with us?"  
  
"No, I couldn't. I get my morning sickness in the evenings--although I think it's slowly switching to the mornings now, which is good, 'cause that means I can come hang out with you guys now." She took hold of Janice's hand and looked at her adoringly.  
  
"Oh, you poor thing!" Janice sympathized. "I can tell you some home remedies that helped me through the worst of my morning sickness, okay?"  
  
"Okay," Phoebe answered brightly, and took a seat rather close to Janice. "So, um, Chandler said that you wanted to try singing a duet after all. Should we start with Smelly Cat, or maybe Ruthie would like to hear my Barnyard Animals song?"  
  
Janice looked curious. "Oh, I don't think I've heard that Barnyard Animals song. Is it about the chick and the duck?"  
  
"No, but oh! I should definitely write a song about them. What a great idea! It was, like, an Easter miracle how you guys saved them from dying at the animal shelter or the pet shop. It's like Smelly Cat, but with a happy ending!"  
  
Chandler laughed and wondered what Joey would think of that. But then he sighed sadly, wishing that Joey was here with them. He didn't like realizing that maybe he'd never be able to hang out with both his best friend and his girlfriend at the same time. Why couldn't everybody get along?  
  
After Janice and Phoebe sang a few songs together and played with Ruthie for a while, they moved into the living room.  
  
Janice got out Ruthie's toys, including her new teddy bear, and got Chandler to play on the rug with her. Once Chandler was comfortable and having fun trying to interpret Ruthie's babbling speech, Janice discreetly pulled Phoebe aside and started talking to her in a quiet corner.  
  
Chandler didn't have to wait long to know what Phoebe's answer was, for she suddenly jumped up and kissed Janice passionately. Chandler sat up and was very turned on by the sight.  
  
Janice smiled and whispered a few further things, then put her arm around Phoebe and came back to the rug with her. "It's all set, honey. We'll do it this weekend, okay?"  
  
"Okay," Chandler smiled and glanced at Phoebe gratefully.  
  
Phoebe only had eyes for Janice, though. "Oh I can't wait! I had a premonition you were going to come back soon, Janice, and then Chandler mentioned you at the strip club, so I knew it was gonna happen. I'm so happy!" She hugged her tightly.  
  
Janice laughed. "Well it's very nice to be wanted! Now the only thing is, I need a babysitter for the whole weekend. I know this other mother from the daycare who owes me some babysitting time, but I was wondering if your grandmother would like to take part of the weekend too, Pheebs."  
  
Chandler interrupted, "Actually, I already asked Joey to babysit for us. We haven't asked Monica yet, but we were hoping that Joey could watch Ruthie over there this weekend."  
  
"Oh, aren't you a honey-bunny?!" Janice kissed him lovingly. "That's perfect! That means I only have to go across the hall to check on Ruthie, and it saves us from having to explain to Joey any noises that are coming from your bedroom."  
  
"Joey knows all about threesomes," Phoebe said, but then pondered it further. "But I guess it's better if he doesn't know. I don't want him blabbing about this to anybody else. I mean, he wouldn't let up when he thought Rachel and Mindy did stuff together."  
  
"Rachel and Mindy?" Janice enquired curiously.  
  
Phoebe and Chandler took turns explaining the story to Janice, and they all took turns playing with Ruthie until she got tired and fell asleep. Then Phoebe volunteered to help Janice pack up and go home to Chelsea. Chandler said goodbye to them and started to clean up, looking forward to the weekend already. 


	8. Wanting Too Much

[The comment about Ross's birthday is a very minor attempt to reconcile two out of three references to his birthday. (On the show, he has said that his birthday was in three separate months: March, December, and October.) I'm going to side with his October birthday, since he mentioned it in a season 9 episode when he was at the hospital.]  
  
-  
  
-  
  
Joey came home at about ten o'clock that night, and he paused outside the door to listen. Since he didn't hear Janice's voice, he figured that the coast was clear, so he entered.  
  
Chandler was at the kitchen sink, and he turned around when Joey came in and took off his coat. "Hey! Did you have a good date?"  
  
Not really listening, Joey came closer and stared with disbelief at Chandler. "You're washing the dishes?"  
  
"Yeah. I thought I might as well do them tonight, since I wasn't sure if you were gonna come home from your date or not. Besides, you shouldn't have to clean up for us, Joe, when you did so much already."  
  
Joey dismissed it with a shrug and asked, "So you had a good date?"  
  
"Yeah!" Chandler grinned ecstatically. He really wanted to tell Joey about the impending threesome, and maybe brag a little, but he'd already promised Phoebe and Janice that he would keep it a secret. So he said instead, "Thanks for dinner. It was good, and Janice really liked it too. She wants the recipe."  
  
"Uh, that's nice. I-I guess I could write it down or something, and you could give it to her." He felt a twinge of jealousy at the idea that Janice might cook this dish for Chandler, and possibly even cook it *with* Chandler, but he tried to keep his voice neutral anyway. "How'd it go with the kid?"  
  
"Pretty good. After Ruthie stopped crying, things went a lot better. Janice didn't even mind when I told her about me swearing in front of the kid!"  
  
"It's not like the kid knows what you're saying," Joey replied. "If she's talking, though, and tries to repeat you, it could get embarrassing."  
  
"Yeah. Janice is gonna try to get her interested in repeating other words and songs so that she'll forget what I said by the time grandma and grandpa see her again."  
  
That sounded sensible to Joey. "A couple of those Barney sing-a-long videos oughta do it."  
  
Chandler nodded, then repeated his earlier question. "How was your date?"  
  
"Huh? Oh. Nah, I didn't get a date. I was just really hungry, you know, and didn't wanna waste time having to pick somebody up."  
  
"Really?" Chandler was surprised. It usually didn't take Joey that long to get a date once he turned on the charm, but perhaps he didn't encounter anybody hot enough to distract him from food.  
  
Not wanting to elaborate, Joey came closer and grabbed a dishrag. "Hey, um, let me help you with that. It's faster if you wash, and I dry."  
  
Chandler smiled and joked, "Oh, we're gonna use teamwork on this too?"  
  
"Sure, why not?" Joey dried off the dishes as Chandler finished rinsing them. He remarked hesitantly, "It was, it was kind of fun, us cooking before. Hanging out."  
  
"Yeah," Chandler agreed.  
  
Joey asked, "Maybe, maybe we could do that again sometime?"  
  
"What, cooking?"  
  
"Yeah, or, if you don't have plans for tomorrow night, we could go to that Knicks game maybe."  
  
"Oh, right, that's tomorrow! Yeah, we should go!"  
  
Joey was pleased by his reaction. "Really? You're not doing anything with Janice?"  
  
"No, she said she'd be busy until this weekend. She can't go out every night, 'cause she gets tired from work and taking care of Ruthie."  
  
"Sure. Hey, I got us good seats for the game, 'cause I already bought the tickets."  
  
"You did?"  
  
"Yeah, I didn't know if you'd be busy or not, but I figured I could take Ross instead."  
  
"Oh. But he's probably gonna want to hang out with that British chick Emily; he's been seeing her nonstop since that first weekend in Vermont. I suppose you could have taken a date instead, since you didn't get one tonight, but I'm glad you asked me to go with you."  
  
"So am I. We're gonna have fun!" Joey smiled happily. He had missed hanging out with Chandler recently, first because of his three-day fishing trip with his dad, then because his part in the Charlton Heston movie prevented him from accompanying Chandler to the strip club last week.  
  
After Kathy, Joey had expected that Chandler would have another one of his long dry spells between girlfriends, so that they could hang out together more, but Janice had suddenly come back then and ruined such plans. However, if Chandler was willing to still make time for him, Joey felt that he could probably cope with Janice better and not resent her return so much.  
  
Soon they finished washing and putting away the dishes, then Joey returned Chandler's credit card to him, and showed him the tickets in his coat pocket. They watched some TV with the chick and the duck for a while, then retired to bed.  
  
***  
  
The next night, Joey and Chandler went to the game, where they filled up on snacks and drinks. Chandler missed Janice a little and went off to phone her, but when he returned to his seat, he noticed how much Joey pouted, so he promised not to call again. "Tonight will just be us, okay? Best buds."  
  
"Yeah, best buds." Joey hugged him and finally cheered up. So they watched the basketball game and had a great time. When they got home later, they were drunk and laughing.  
  
"That was an awesome game!"  
  
"Yeah!" Joey cheered. "The Knicks rule all!" He waved his giant foam finger around.  
  
Chandler laughed and wondered why he had indulged Joey yet again by buying him the thing; must have been all the beer he had. Just then, the chick and the duck come over to them, begging for any snacks that the guys might have brought home.  
  
Joey and Chandler tried not to trip over the birds, then they collapsed onto the couch together.  
  
"Come on, guys! We don't have any food. Joey ate everything!"  
  
"Yeah, and remember how sick you got the last time we fed you stuff besides your bird feed."  
  
The birds grumbled, then tried to pick at the foam finger.  
  
Joey pulled it away, accidentally hitting Chandler in the face with the finger.  
  
"Hey!" He was more annoyed than hurt.  
  
"Sorry!" Feeling silly, Joey started to tickle him with the foam finger, and Chandler fought him off while trying to stifle his giggles.  
  
They wound up wrestling against the cushions, both getting rather out of breath. Then Joey stopped and met Chandler's eyes, thinking about how precious these moments were. Pushing the foam finger out of the way, he hugged Chandler close and kissed his cheek.  
  
Startled and embarrassed, Chandler pulled away. "Hey! Don't--don't do that!" He had warned Joey about this gesture before.  
  
"Come on," Joey protested and tried to pull Chandler closer again. "I told you, it's not gay! I'm from an Italian family; men kiss each other sometimes. Haven't you seen *The Godfather*?"  
  
"Well, I'm not Italian, nor a mobster."  
  
Joey pouted. "Neither is Ross, but he lets me kiss him sometimes. In public too!"  
  
"What? In public? No way!"  
  
"He did, in Central Perk! You know, we gave Ross those hockey tickets and I said happy birthday and kissed him and said we love him. He didn't freak out at all."  
  
"No, he was upset! So upset that he said his birthday was seven months ago, when we were really only a couple of days late."  
  
Joey shrugged and hugged him closer. "Why can't I kiss you? You're like my family, Chandler. Like a brother or something. I love you."  
  
Shocked, Chandler blushed and looked deeply uncomfortable.  
  
Joey felt hurt that Chandler didn't appreciate the sentiment, let alone return it.  
  
"Um, I-I gotta go to bed." Pushing free of Joey's arms, Chandler got up from the couch and retreated to his bedroom.  
  
Joey stared at his closed door, feeling rejected and lonely. He kicked the foam finger aside and pouted again. Rationally, he did know that Chandler was very insecure about people thinking him gay, but Joey couldn't help expressing his feelings physically, especially when he was drunk. He couldn't help wanting reciprocation from Chandler too. All their frequent, lingering hugs kept suggesting to him that Chandler wouldn't mind further physical affection. But so far, Chandler had done nothing but reject him.  
  
Because the birds kept picking at the foam finger, Joey pulled it away from them and finally went into his room with it. Tossing the finger on the floor, Joey crawled into bed and clutched Hugsy tightly. He cursed himself for making that same old mistake with Chandler; he really hoped that he hadn't ruined things, just when they had become closer again. Losing Chandler to Janice would be bad enough, but losing Chandler through his own dumbness and lack of self control would be horrible.  
  
"Don't say, 'I love you'," Joey scolded himself. "Say, 'I love you, man' or something else, and always look like you're joking. And never, never kiss him." Joey highly doubted that he'd remember to follow these rules, though. 


	9. Musings and Forbidden Dreams

Chandler lay awake in bed, thinking about Joey and shivering at the memory of his kiss. He knew that Joey really didn't mean anything gay by it, but the incident still left him feeling restless and unsettled. Maybe they shouldn't keep hugging so much, since it encouraged Joey to get very touchy-feely. But Chandler *liked* their hugs most of the time, and he did, deep inside, know that he loved Joey too; he just didn't dare say it out loud, lest his friendship-love be mistaken for a different kind of love. He couldn't risk being that forthright about his emotions, what with his gay quality and everything.  
  
That was why Chandler preferred showing his love for Joey through money, by buying him stuff and paying his bills; that was why, out of guilt over kissing Kathy, Chandler had refurnished the apartment, even though it prompted Monica to joke, "Joey has the best boyfriend ever!"  
  
Of course, the new furnishings only infuriated Joey once Chandler had finally confessed to him about kissing Kathy. Joey stubbornly rejected Chandler's apologies and his "tainted" stuff, even threatening to move out, until Chandler agreed to spend Thanksgiving in a box, to prove how much Joey meant to him.  
  
And Joey really did mean a lot to Chandler. He was the guy who made this new apartment feel like home. Chandler couldn't stand to see Joey look so hurt and rejected, but he couldn't say "I love you" in return or go along with the kisses either, so what could he do to make amends?  
  
Unable to come up with any ideas, Chandler really wished that Janice was here so he could talk over this problem with her. She was pretty sensible, and maybe she could tell him how to deal with Joey. But it was late, and Janice was probably sleeping, so any consultation with his girlfriend would have to wait until morning.  
  
Still rather sad, Chandler sighed and finally drifted off to sleep. But then, something very strange happened in his dreams...  
  
Chandler found himself inexplicably in bed with Joey, lying under the covers with him, and they were almost as close as when they had wrestled on the couch before. Joey had that hurt puppy look on his face again, and Chandler reached out to caress his cheek, whispering, "I'm sorry. I-I really like you too."  
  
Joey finally stopped pouting and looked at him hopefully. "Yeah?"  
  
"Yeah." Chandler nodded and watched his eyes. "I mean, even with Ross, there's times when he annoys the hell out of me, and after four years of college with him, that was plenty to make me not want him for a roommate again. But you--" He shrugged as he searched for words. "You're my best friend, Joe. I-I hated it when you moved out and I had that freak Eddie for a roommate. I can't, can't imagine living with anyone else, you know?"  
  
Deeply moved, Joey murmured "I love you" again, then pulled Chandler into his arms for a big bear hug. Joey unthinkingly kissed his cheek too.  
  
Chandler gulped at the physical contact, but tried to calm himself. Maybe it would be okay to accept this affection, if only in private. He very hesitantly kissed Joey's cheek, just to see what it would feel like.  
  
Pleased, Joey smiled happily at him. "See?" He caressed Chandler's face too. "It's nice."  
  
Chandler nodded and whispered, "Only, only when we're alone."  
  
"Sure. Only here." Joey embraced him again and chuckled softly. "Better get all I can now." He kissed both of Chandler's cheeks firmly, which made Chandler blush a little. But then, as Chandler started to return the kisses, their lips met. Then their eyes.  
  
After a wordless moment, they suddenly started kissing each other's mouths feverishly, while their hands roamed over each other's bodies. Not behaving like brothers at all, they crushed their groins together and started to roll around under the covers. Chandler moaned and closed his eyes as he felt Joey pull off his shirt. Soon they would be naked, and now it made perfect sense to be lying in bed together...  
  
With a strangled cry, Chandler suddenly woke up in bed, sitting bolt upright in the darkness. He was alone and fully dressed in his pajamas, which was some relief, but his heart still pounded in his chest and he was covered in sweat. Then he looked down and realized that he was aroused, actually aroused by his dream about Joey. "Oh my God," he whispered in horror.  
  
Scared and confused, Chandler got out of bed and hurried to the bathroom to take a cold shower. He hoped that Joey wouldn't hear him and wonder why he was showering in the middle of the night. What if Joey woke up, and came to the bathroom to ask him what was wrong?  
  
Chandler gulped and realized that he was getting aroused again, by the thought of Joey joining him in the shower. "No, no, no!" Chandler turned the water to icy cold and told himself, "I'm straight! I love Janice. And, and Joey's not gay either. That would never happen."  
  
Finally, he left the shower and dried himself off with a towel. Still shivering, Chandler threw on a bathrobe and returned to his bedroom with his clothes. Dressing again and getting back into bed, he wrapped himself tightly in the blankets. Then Chandler lay awake and counted the hours until morning, when he could call Janice for reassurance.  
  
Perhaps it was just something psychological, a nightmare about what he feared might happen if he let Joey get more touchy-feely with him. It had nothing to do with reality, except maybe to express the paranoia that remained leftover from his dad being gay. After a long while, Chandler at last managed to doze off again.  
  
In the morning, Chandler woke up and got ready for work as usual. As he ate breakfast, though, Joey came out of his room and started to apologize for his drunken behavior last night. Chandler suddenly remembered his erotic dream, and he put down his cereal bowl in a panic. Grabbing his briefcase and avoiding Joey's eyes, he mumbled, "Forget about it," and left the apartment in a hurry.  
  
Joey was very disappointed and didn't know what to do, other than eat Chandler's half finished breakfast.  
  
***  
  
At work, Chandler remained jittery all morning and after he got control over his voice again, he called Janice at her office. "Can you, can you come over tonight please?"  
  
She was surprised and confused. "No, I'm sorry, honey. I thought we agreed that you'd spend time with your friends, and I'd stay home with Ruthie."  
  
"But I need to see you. Please? Just a quickie. I need you."  
  
Janice could tell that he wasn't speaking out of lust. "What's wrong, honey?"  
  
"Nothing," he evaded her question. "I just miss you."  
  
"No, I can tell that something's bothering you, Bing-a-ling. Come on, tell me."  
  
"Um, I just--I just didn't get much sleep last night, and I have a hangover."  
  
"Are you sure that's all?"  
  
"Yes! I just, I went to the game with Joey and had too much beer, and now I feel awful. Please come over, Janice."  
  
"Chandler, if anything, you'll have to come over while I'm taking care of Ruthie, but I still think I won't have any energy for sex tonight."  
  
"Really?" He frowned in despair.  
  
"I'm sorry, honey, but I did tell you already. Is there anything else I can do to make you feel better? Please tell me what's wrong."  
  
Chandler sighed and decided to confess, but not about Joey. That was too much to admit to her. "Um, uh, remember that story I told you, Janice? About the girls taking me to the strip club?"  
  
"Yeah. What about it?"  
  
"Well, that night after the girls left, I-I had a dream that all the strippers were at my apartment, and so were Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel. We were all gonna have an orgy, with me as the king."  
  
"You certainly would make a fine king," she said sweetly. "Would you like me and Phoebe to play king with you this weekend?  
  
Chandler liked the sound of that, but he remained distracted by the memory of the dream. "Yeah, but--you see, the dream started out good, but--"  
  
"But what?"  
  
He forced himself to say it, "There was this guy from the strip club who showed up in the dream, and he--he started touching me. I couldn't wake up at first, and he started groping me like--" Like Joey's tailor had once done, he realized with a shudder. Chandler blushed and fidgeted in his chair, then he added in a whisper, "I started worrying that I was gay again."  
  
"Oh, my Bing-a-ling!" Now she understood the situation. She sighed sympathetically and dismissed his doubts. "Chandler, sweetie! We had all-night sex just a couple of nights ago, and you wonder if you might be gay? Please! You're all man."  
  
Chandler felt a little better, but glanced at his recently manicured nails and got insecure again. "You sure, Janice? Then why did I have the dream?"  
  
"Dreams don't always have to make sense or have a meaning. And even if they do, it's often not the most obvious meaning. You know, Freud and all that symbolic stuff."  
  
"Yeah, but sometimes a cigar is just a cigar," he replied. Chandler found that he had a craving for a cigarette too.  
  
"So?" Janice answered, trying a different tack. "Who cares! You love me, and I love you. We're soulmates. I mean, even if you did turn out to be bisexual, Chandler--I can't believe you'd be just gay, the way you are with me--it wouldn't make me love you any less."  
  
Chandler was very surprised. "You--you mean that?"  
  
"Of course! I've had lots of lesbian sex, and it doesn't bother you at all. In fact, you love it and we're gonna have a threesome this weekend just for you." Well, it was also partly for her and Phoebe too, but Janice wouldn't have invited Chandler to share it with them if she didn't love him so much.  
  
"That is true," he said.  
  
"And you know, Chandler, if you ever wanted to do a little exploring of your own, I'd love to join in with that too."  
  
He got nervous again as he imagined being in bed with Joey. Chandler cleared his throat and stammered, "But I don't, uh... I don't--"  
  
Seeing that she should back off, she gave a dismissive laugh. "Okay, okay! Then we'll just settle for our little threesome this weekend! Are you looking forward to it?"  
  
He imagined having both Janice and Phoebe in his bed, possibly stripping and treating him like a king, and it did turn him on. "Yeah," he answered breathlessly.  
  
"Good! So there's nothing to worry about. It was just a dream, sweetie. We love each other, and we're soulmates. Chan and Jan forever, you know?"  
  
Chandler nodded and smiled. "Chan and Jan forever. I love you."  
  
"I love you too. Oh-oh, I've gotta get back to work now. Listen, I'll see you this weekend, but you can call me anytime to talk. Okay?"  
  
"Okay. Bye."  
  
"Bye." They made kissy noises and repeated "I love you" before hanging up.  
  
As he set down the phone Chandler felt a lot better now. He decided that his erotic dream about Joey meant nothing. It only happened because Joey had drunkenly insisted on kissing him last night and saying "I love you." That was all. 


	10. Baking Bread

When Chandler got home from work that day, he had a peace offering with him, in the form of a bag of groceries.  
  
Joey was watching TV in the living room and he turned around when he heard Chandler enter and set down the bag in the kitchen. "Chandler?" He looked worried and unsure of himself as he shut off the TV.  
  
Chandler apologized right away. "Hi. Listen, I'm--I'm sorry about this morning, Joe. And I guess about last night too."  
  
Joey shrugged and came over to the kitchen. "Nah, it was my fault, Chandler. I shouldn't have kissed you last night. I knew better, but I was drunk--"  
  
"I know, and I'm over it now. Just please don't do that again, okay?"  
  
"Okay," Joey answered, trying to conceal his disappointment.  
  
Chandler glossed over the awkwardness by gesturing to his bag. "Remember what you said about us cooking stuff more? I was thinking maybe we could use the new bread maker again. I mean, it's just been sitting there, and I thought that cinnamon raisin loaf you made smelled pretty good."  
  
"Really?" Joey was pleased and disarmed by the compliment.  
  
Chandler was happy that Joey was grinning, for he feared that he might be revisiting a bad memory by mentioning that loaf. Joey had made cinnamon raisin bread on the same day that Chandler had confessed about kissing Kathy, so neither of them had actually eaten the loaf. Joey viewed all the new stuff as tainted by Chandler's betrayal, and Chandler couldn't eat the bread either out of guilt, so they wound up having to give the loaf to Monica and Rachel. Although Joey had forgiven him at Thanksgiving, Chandler still hadn't seen Joey use the bread maker again in the past few months, so it had worried him a little.  
  
Apparently, though, it was just something that Joey hadn't got around to yet, because of his usual laziness and preference for quick junk food. Joey eagerly looked through the groceries and found various ingredients such as cinnamon, raisins, flour, and other baking essentials. "Hey, cool! You got everything, Chandler. How'd you know what to buy?"  
  
He explained, "Oh, well I found this recipe while I was surfing the internet at work, so I printed it out and bought the ingredients on my way home."  
  
"Hey! Jam!" Joey was thrilled to find several jars at the bottom of the bag.  
  
Chandler smiled at Joey's ecstatic reaction. "Yeah, I got a bunch of jam too, so we can spread it on the toast--or eat it straight from the jar--whichever you prefer."  
  
Joey laughed and hugged him, just barely remembering not to kiss Chandler. "Man, I love jam! This is great, Chandler! It'll take a while for the bread to bake and everything, so we can eat a lot of these jars while we're waiting for it."  
  
Chandler was astounded by the amount of jam that Joey apparently intended to consume in one sitting; he hoped that Joey wouldn't make himself sick. But then again, Joey had pigged out on jam with no ill effects when Monica went on that jam-making binge last year. "Uh, just try not to make too big a mess, though," Chandler warned in a parental tone.  
  
"Okay, okay!" Joey put the jars of jam aside, then began arranging the ingredients for the bread. "So, uh, let me see this recipe you found."  
  
Chandler handed over the slip of paper from his pocket, and Joey read it over disapprovingly. "Nah, this isn't as good as the bread I made. Let me fix this for ya." With a pencil, he started to make adjustments to the recipe, according to his personal preferences and experience with baking. Monica might be a gourmet chef, but Joey knew his way around a kitchen too, even if most of the time he preferred eating pizza, sandwiches, and various kinds of sweets and snacks.  
  
After revising the recipe and checking that they had enough of each ingredient, Joey warned him, "Hey, you better go change now, before you get flour all over you."  
  
Chandler glanced at his inappropriate attire and realized what he had forgotten at the store. "Oh. Right. I should get me one of those aprons like you have." So he hurried to his bedroom to put away his briefcase and change out of his nice work clothes, while Joey got out his apron and some measuring cups.  
  
When Chandler returned to the kitchen in more casual clothes, they had a lot of fun making the bread together. After the breadmaker kneaded the dough and signaled for them to add the raisins, they had nothing else to do but wait for the bread to rise and bake.  
  
Instead of going to eat some jars of jam, Joey got very playful with Chandler, throwing a handful of flour in his face. Chandler laughed and retaliated by tugging off Joey's apron. They kept throwing flour at each other, and between them they managed to waste the rest of the package of the flour. But it was entirely worth it, because they were having a great time, and Chandler didn't mind getting his clothes dirty. At least they weren't having a food fight with the jam.  
  
By the time that they finally stopped clowning around and began cleaning up the mess in the kitchen, the guys looked as pale as ghosts and their hair was very snowy.  
  
Monica and Rachel came over then and were shocked by the mess. "What happened in here? A blizzard?"  
  
"We were just fooling around," Joey answered, but he belatedly remembered that Chandler had wanted them not to make a big mess, and he looked embarrassed.  
  
"It's okay." Chandler patted his arm with good humor, then he gestured at the breadmaker and proudly announced to the girls, "In a while, we are going to have some delicious cinnamon raisin bread. Do you two want some?"  
  
Rachel sniffed the air and recognized the aroma. "Oh, I remember that loaf you gave us once! It was good."  
  
Monica glanced over at the many jars on the counter and grinned. "Bread and jam. Now all you need is a fancy tea set, and you guys can have your own little tea party with Ross. I mean Bea!"  
  
Chandler shrugged and chuckled. "Good luck getting Ross to show up, though. I doubt we'll see him again until that Emily chick goes back to England."  
  
Monica replied, "No, actually, he just called and invited us all to dinner at his place tonight. He wants us to hang out with him and Emily. We just called Phoebe and told her to meet us there at 7."  
  
"Seven?" Chandler's eyes widened. "Our bread won't be done by then."  
  
"It's okay," Joey said. "It'll keep fresh in the breadmaker, and we can eat it when we get home tonight."  
  
"Oh, okay." He glanced at the clock. "Well, I guess we better hurry and clean up this mess first. We still gotta shower and change before dinner too."  
  
Monica offered, "Look, I'll take care of this mess for you. You guys don't even have any decent cleaning supplies. Come on, Rach, let's go get my mop and stuff."  
  
"Thanks!" the guys said as the girls departed together. Chandler suspected that Monica just couldn't stand to see her former apartment get so dirty.  
  
Chandler asked Joey, "Do you mind if I use the shower first?"  
  
"Nah, go ahead. I wanna eat some jam now." He went to grab a jar of jam and a spoon.  
  
"Don't spoil your dinner!" Chandler laughed and headed to the bathroom. He closed the door and quickly stripped off his flour-covered clothes, throwing them into the hamper. Chandler would have to remember to ask Monica if you needed to do anything special to laundry to get out flour. As he stepped into the shower, Joey knocked at the door and peeked his head inside.  
  
"J-Joey!" Chandler was startled and pulled the shower curtain in front, to cover his nakedness.  
  
"Sorry," Joey said. "I was just gonna say that you should use a lot of water and really scrub that flour out of your hair."  
  
"Yeah, okay."  
  
"Okay, bye." Joey left and shut the door.  
  
Chandler exhaled in relief, then turned on the water and reached for the soap. But as he lathered up, he was distracted by inappropriate thoughts about Joey. Again he pictured Joey joining him in the shower, and worse than that, he imagined that Joey was scrubbing him clean and even kissing him. "Stop it!" Chandler scolded himself. "It-it was just a dream. It meant nothing." Still, he wondered if having Joey's hands run through his wet hair would feel as nice as when Kathy gave him a haircut and did the same. Chandler shivered at the thought. 


	11. Chandler Tells Rachel Off

After his rather long shower, Chandler nervously dried himself and tied on his robe. As he emerged from the bathroom, he saw Joey in the living room, finishing off a jar of jam, while Monica was cleaning in the kitchen. Rachel, as usual, wasn't helping. She just sat on the couch complaining about how she hadn't made any progress with Joshua and now she was expected to socialize with Ross and Emily.  
  
"I thought you were gonna be happy for him," Monica responded from the kitchen.  
  
"But he's ahead of me, Mon! Ross is ahead of me in this whole 'moving on and finding someone new' thing. I can't fall behind him. I mean, this--this is just like when you said that you couldn't go to Richard when you don't have a boyfriend."  
  
Monica sighed and shrugged, "I guess so. Ugh, I even had to get a new eye doctor after dating both Richard and his son Timothy." She shuddered at the memory.  
  
Chandler would normally have interjected a snide comment right then, but he still felt so unsettled by his shower that he just silently headed toward his bedroom.  
  
However, Joey saw him pass by and commented, "Hey, I hope you didn't use up all the hot water."  
  
Chandler paused and pulled the bathrobe tighter around him. "Sorry, um, there--there was a lot of flour to rinse off."  
  
Joey shrugged and put down his empty jar on a table. "Hmm, maybe we should have saved time by showering together."  
  
At that remark, Chandler blushed deeply, and Joey laughed. Monica and Rachel also giggled and exchanged glances.  
  
"Just kidding!" Joey wiped his mouth and then headed to the bathroom.  
  
Chandler continued to his bedroom and quickly dressed, wishing that Janice was here to reassure him. When he came out again, Monica was finishing up in the kitchen.  
  
"There! Good as new. Now nobody walk on this floor for a while, until it's dry."  
  
"Okay."  
  
"Yeah, Mon."  
  
Gathering up her cleaning supplies, Monica went to return them to the other apartment and change for dinner. If only she still lived over here, though.  
  
Chandler sat down and listened to Rachel talk about how confident and happy she was going to be tonight. "I'll show him how moved on I am!"  
  
Then Joey came out of the bathroom in his robe, still drying his hair with a towel. "Hey, did I get out all the flour yet?" He stood near them and bent his head forward for them to inspect.  
  
Rachel looked at his hair, but Chandler found himself very aware of how close Joey stood, and how naked he was underneath his bathrobe. Chandler even wondered how securely it was tied.  
  
Rachel said, "Yeah, it's all clean now."  
  
"Cool. I guess I didn't get as much flour on me as you did, huh?" He patted Chandler's shoulder, unintentionally startling him.  
  
Chandler stammered, "Y-y-you better go get dressed now, Joe."  
  
"Yeah, I'll be right back." So Joey turned and went into his bedroom.  
  
Chandler found himself staring at the closed door and not really paying attention to what Rachel was saying.  
  
"Chandler! What's wrong with you?"  
  
"Nothing! I-I, um--" Then he suddenly remembered what he had wanted to say the whole time that she was whining at the strip club last week. He had gone through a painful breakup just days before, but she was being self-absorbed as usual. So Chandler told her, "I think you should stop obsessing about Ross and Emily. It's your own fault that you're 'behind him', anyway. Just go and ask out that Josh guy, like you should have done two weeks ago. Stop waiting around for him to ask you!"  
  
Rachel was shocked by this. "His name is Joshua! And I already tried to ask him out, but he misunderstood me with those basketball tickets."  
  
"So ask him out again!"  
  
"No, I'll mess it up. Like when I pretended that I found a customer's wallet, or afterward when Joshua really left his wallet behind at the store, but I still couldn't ask him out over the phone. Besides, I don't wanna look desperate!"  
  
"I've got news for you, Rachel! You *are* desperate."  
  
She gasped and covered her mouth. "Chandler!"  
  
"I mean, you spend two weeks obsessing about him and gossiping with Monica about how you touch his wrist and feel his pulse, and it's pathetic. It's just as pathetic as all the times that I used to obsess about women's flaws and make excuses to not call them back. It's just as pathetic as when I was all freaking out about committing to Janice and could have scared her away for good. You called me a loser back then, so I'm not gonna coddle you now, Rachel. Just stop whining and grow up!"  
  
Rachel was speechless.  
  
Chandler sat back and felt immensely better to get that off his chest.  
  
Rachel thought over Chandler's words and tried to decide whether she should listen to him, or just cry, like she had when Mr. Treeger recently had harsh words for her.  
  
Then Monica returned from the other apartment, and Rachel finally broke down and cried, going over to her roommate for a hug.  
  
"What's wrong?" Monica asked.  
  
Rachel explained it to her in high-pitched, squeaky words.  
  
Just then, Joey emerged from his room and saw Rachel and Monica talking together. Joey sat down on the couch next to Chandler and leaned near, touching his knee as he murmured, "You were a little hard on her."  
  
Chandler gulped and tried to think despite Joey's nearness. He could only manage to shrug.  
  
Joey continued, "I mean, I did hear what you said from my room, and maybe she did need to hear some of that, but you gotta know that Rachel cries really easily."  
  
Chandler nodded, but couldn't form the words "I'm sorry." Everything choked in his throat.  
  
"Then again," Joey said in his ear, "the last time that I stuck up for Rachel, Mr. Treeger almost kicked them out of the apartment and I had to learn ballroom dancing, so maybe I shouldn't let it bother me so much."  
  
Once Monica heard the whole story, she patted Rachel's arm comfortingly and said, "Chandler, can you apologize please? At least for losing your temper with her?"  
  
He nodded and stood up, coming toward them to get away from Joey. "Yeah, um, I'm sorry." As his brain started to work again, he added, "I should have been nicer, Rach. I mean, you're going through a hard time. You and Ross were really in love once, and I remember how bad it was when he was dating Julie, and Bonnie."  
  
"I-I don't love Ross anymore!" Rachel said, trying to be firm and indignant. "This is not like Julie and Bonnie. I want Joshua now, not Ross. So--so, I'm gonna be happy for him tonight, and I'm not gonna whine and mope. And, and tomorrow, I'm gonna go ask out Joshua! You'll see!" With that, she held her head high and returned to the other apartment so that she could go fix her makeup.  
  
Monica was surprised, but she shrugged and followed after Rachel.  
  
Joey smiled and stood up too. "Hey, maybe you did it!" He laughed and lightly punched Chandler's shoulder. "Maybe she's gonna move on."  
  
Chandler shrugged and answered nervously, "Maybe."  
  
Joey hugged him briefly, then sat down on his recliner and turned on the TV again. Chandler sat down too and tried to relax. If only Janice were here, and not busy potty training Ruthie at home! The guys made small talk about TV and how good the bread smelled now.  
  
By the time that the girls returned, it was time to leave for Ross's place, so they all got their coats and left together.  
  
Rachel seemed in a better mood now, and evidently had no hard feelings against Chandler.  
  
Joey said as they went downstairs, "Let's not stay at dinner too long, 'cause I can't wait to taste our new bread when it's done."  
  
Rachel said, jokingly rather than spitefully, "You guys owe me some of that loaf, because you yelled at me."  
  
"All right," Joey answered for them. "We'll give you and Monica half, but I'm not sharing any of the jam!"  
  
They all laughed and hurried to meet Phoebe at Ross's apartment.  
  
[The next chapter will feature Ross and Emily being happy. Rachel will be more mature now, and some further business will be settled before the weekend threesome between Chandler, Janice, and Phoebe.] 


	12. Dinner with Ross and Emily

The gang arrived at Ross's apartment, and Phoebe was already there to answer the door.  
  
"Hi guys!"  
  
"Hey!" Ross rushed over from setting the table to greet his friends and put away their coats. "I'm so glad that you could all come tonight. Emily, sweetie, come say hello!" He beckoned her nearer and put his arm around her shoulder.  
  
They all murmured hellos and nodded as Ross introduced them to Emily. Actually, she had briefly met some of the gang already when she first arrived, and there had been the recent rugby game in the park too. Still, Ross looked forward to having everyone get to know Emily better, for she was really a delightful and charming person when she wasn't soaking wet and having a bad day.  
  
So they all sat down to dinner together. Phoebe in particular loved Emily's accent and kept trying to imitate it. Emily was good-humored about it, and she asked if Phoebe was handling her pregnancy well. "I think it's so generous of you to do this for your brother and his wife."  
  
While they all chatted in a friendly manner, Monica was glad that Rachel was behaving maturely tonight and not muttering petty remarks about Emily under her breath. Monica didn't want to have to feel guilty all over again for liking Ross's girlfriend. "So, Emily, is this your first trip to America?"  
  
"No, I've been here before. I'm just taking a two-week holiday right now to visit my uncle, my cousin, and some of my old friends, like Liam and Devon."  
  
"Oh, are those the rugby guys that Ross mentioned?"  
  
"Yes. They and some other lads from home are playing fairly often in the park." She looked at Ross and patted his arm, feeling glad that he had survived the rugby game without any permanent injuries.  
  
"Are any of them cute and single?" Monica asked.  
  
Emily laughed. "Yes, some of them. Would you like me to introduce you?"  
  
Monica nodded eagerly. "Yeah. I really should have come to that game when Ross played, but I got kind of caught up with some stuff." Obsessing about the light switch, she had waited in line for three hours to get electrical plans to the apartment building, then kept trying to follow the wire through the walls, but without success. She really was in desperate need of a man, and if it was a big, tough English guy, all the better. Ever since high school, Monica had secretly fantasized about meeting a foreigner and falling in love with him.  
  
"That's all right," Emily replied cheerfully. "I'm sure we can arrange a meeting, probably while they're playing in the park tomorrow afternoon."  
  
Ross frowned and looked rather insecure, "Do we really have to see Liam again?"  
  
"Don't be jealous, Ross. Liam is just my ex now. We're good friends like you and Rachel are."  
  
"Oh, of course." Ross cheered up then, for he had moved on from his feelings about Rachel. "I meant, um, I meant that I didn't want to be drawn into another rugby game."  
  
Emily chuckled and said, "Don't worry, they won't want you to join in again, not after how much pain you caused them last time. It embarrassed them."  
  
Ross grinned and boasted to the others, "I made a man twice my size cry!"  
  
Rachel laughed and began to see that dating Emily was doing wonders for Ross. He was becoming so impulsive, outgoing, and fun. In fact, he hadn't mentioned dinosaurs all evening, nor become mopey and annoying. Ross truly seemed happy.  
  
"You know, Mon, if things don't work out with me and Joshua tomorrow, I'm tempted to join you and get me one of those strapping rugby guys too. It sounds like fun."  
  
"Oh, that's a great idea!" Monica said excitedly. She was glad that Rachel had finally realized that she had plenty of options and didn't have to wait around obsessing about Joshua. Rachel's crushes tended to be fleeting and superficial, after all, and maybe all she was in the mood for was a fling. "We could double date."  
  
Ross asked, "Chandler, how's it going with you and Janice?"  
  
"Great!" Chandler smiled. "She's home with Ruthie tonight, but then she's gonna come and stay with me for the whole weekend." He couldn't help glancing at Phoebe just then. "I can't wait!"  
  
Phoebe furtively winked, then explained to Emily, "Ruthie is Janice's daughter with her ex-husband Gary, the Mattress King."  
  
"The Mattress King?"  
  
"Oh, you haven't seen the commercials on TV? He's the guy with the kingy stuff and the royal jester and all that. I'm so glad that Janice left him for good and came back to us. She's too good for him. Right, Chandler?"  
  
Chandler grinned and nodded, hoping that no one noticed Phoebe's use of the term "us." He said, "I'm not gonna let Janice get away from me this time. You should meet her, Emily. She knows a lot about art, and maybe we could go to the Guggenheim Museum together if you're interested."  
  
"Oh, that sounds lovely. Ross, what do you think?"  
  
"We could go to the Met too."  
  
While everyone kept discussing Janice and making plans to visit museums together, Joey sighed and felt depressed. Trying not to let Chandler see his reaction, he bit his lip and just picked at his plate of food. Joey couldn't understand why Chandler, let alone Phoebe, seemed to like Janice so much. Maybe Phoebe just liked weird, annoying people like that psychiatrist Roger and Chandler's crazy roommate Eddie. But now she and Chandler seemed to be actively recruiting people to like Janice, and that made Joey worry. Were they going to try to win over Ross, Rachel, and Monica too? Were they going to go after Joey next?  
  
"By the way," Chandler asked Monica, "are we still on for babysitting this weekend?"  
  
"What? Oh yeah, but I might not be home for much of the weekend, because I might be working at the restaurant, or Rachel and I might even be out double dating. Are you sure that you trust Joey to watch Ruthie by himself?"  
  
When Joey gaped and looked offended, Monica added, "I meant, after that whole leaving Ben on a bus incident."  
  
Chandler defended Joey. "That was two years ago, and we just got distracted by the hot women on the bus, okay? Besides, Joey babysits his nieces and nephews all the time, and he knows way more about kids than me. Of course I trust him."  
  
"All right, I'm sorry!" Monica said to both Joey and Chandler. "Don't get so upset. I just hope that Joey doesn't make too big a mess while he's staying over in our apartment." She frowned and grumbled at having to call that awful, cramped place her apartment. "It's so small and crowded already. Why can't Joey just babysit her at your place?"  
  
Chandler coughed discreetly and murmured, "Because Janice and I need some private, romantic time together, and we don't want to disturb the kid during her naptime, if you know what I mean."  
  
Monica chuckled and rolled her eyes. "Yeah, but you two can't have sex *all* weekend."  
  
Chandler just gave her a look as if asking, "What makes you think we can't?"  
  
Monica stopped laughing and looked stunned. "Really?"  
  
Chandler smiled broadly and didn't say a word. Remembering the trip to the beach, he thought to himself smugly, "That'll teach you for turning me down and laughing at me."  
  
Joey couldn't help groaning with disgust at the thought of Chandler and Janice having all-weekend sex, but unfortunately this noise attracted Chandler's attention.  
  
Chandler turned to him and finally noticed his lack of appetite. "Joe, what's the matter? You've hardly touched your dinner."  
  
Joey struggled for an excuse. "I, uh, I'm just... you know, saving some room for the bread and jam we got at home."  
  
"Oh, right! I almost forgot about that." Chandler checked the time on his watch. "Hey, it should be done baking by now, huh? I bet it'll taste really good."  
  
"Yeah." Joey was relieved that Chandler hadn't seen through his lie. He really didn't want to get on Chandler's bad side again.  
  
"Maybe we should skip dessert tonight," Chandler said.  
  
***  
  
After dinner, the gang said goodnight to Ross and Emily, then they all went home. They entered the guys' apartment and eagerly removed the cinnamon raisin loaf from the breadmaker. As promised, Joey sliced the loaf in half to share with the girls.  
  
"Mmm, it smells so good," Monica said as she put the hot bread onto a plate to avoid getting crumbs everywhere. "I kinda feel guilty for not sharing this with Phoebe and Ross too."  
  
"Well, we can buy some more flour and make another loaf some other time," Chandler suggested. "Besides, we owed you for yelling at you tonight."  
  
Rachel smiled and said, "That reminds me. Monica, I need you to come and help me pick out a knockout dress for me to wear tomorrow, when I ask out Joshua."  
  
"Okay. Bye, guys. Thanks." They went across the hall and took their half of the loaf with them.  
  
Joey finished slicing up the remaining bread, then he put the slices on two plates.  
  
Chandler sat down with his plate and tasted the bread. "Wow, this is delicious. Even without jam."  
  
"Think how much better it'll be with jam!" Joey grinned and grabbed most of the jars from the kitchen counter. "Which flavor do you want to start with? Strawberry? Currant? Grape? Oooh, cherry!"  
  
Chandler smiled. "I don't care. Which do you recommend, Joe?"  
  
Joey shrugged and set all the jars down on the table in front of them. "I don't know. They all taste so good, I can't decide." Joey closed his eyes and randomly picked up a jar of jam. "Okay, this one. Then we can keep picking other jars until we run out of flavors."  
  
Chandler laughed. "I don't think you should eat all that jam tonight. I thought those jars would last us for a week."  
  
Joey scoffed. "You have a lot to learn about jam." With a spoon, he started scooping out big heaps of jam onto one of his slices of bread. "Wait, maybe I can do like with the jam crackers, and I can just dip the bread into the jar." He picked up the slice and started to roll it up so that it would fit into the jar's mouth.  
  
"Hey, wait!" Chandler stopped him. "You'll get crumbs all in the jar, Joey. Just keep using the spoon."  
  
Joey pouted, then suggested, "Well, what if we make this jar just my jar?"  
  
Unable to resist Joey's adorable, child-like expression, Chandler sighed and nodded indulgently. "Okay, then I guess I'll pick out another jar for me." He grabbed another jar and opened it, though he certainly didn't intend to finish the whole jar tonight. Chandler used a knife to spread the jam lightly onto his bread, then he ate it, savoring the great taste of fresh home-baked bread. He also thought about saving some of his bread for tomorrow, or even making a whole new loaf to share with Janice and Phoebe this weekend. That would require another trip to the store.  
  
Meanwhile, Joey ate very fast and kept making a mess with the bread and the jam.  
  
No doubt attracted by the bread's aroma, the chick and duck came over to them and started eating the breadcrumbs that fell on the floor. They begged for more, so Chandler gave them some scraps from his bread.  
  
Joey finished his first jar of jam and started to open another jar, but his hands were all sticky. "Damn it! Where'd we put the napkins?" He started to lick his fingers clean.  
  
"Here, I'll open it for you." Chandler grabbed the jar from him, but got jam all over his fingers. "Joey!" He reached for a towel and wiped off both his hands and the jar. However, when he tried to open the jar, it was sealed too tightly, and he struggled with it.  
  
Hurriedly wiping his hands, Joey reached over and tried to help Chandler unscrew the lid. As they gripped and struggled with the jar, Chandler realized that Joey's hands were touching his. It normally wouldn't have bothered him, but because of his dreams and sexual fantasies about Joey lately, Chandler felt rather nervous.  
  
Suddenly, the jar opened and Joey grinned. "Cool! Thanks, Chandler." Joey took the jar from him and started dipping more bread into it.  
  
"No problem," Chandler mumbled. "Um, I think that's all I'm gonna eat for tonight." He got up and put his remaining slices of bread into the fridge. "Don't eat my bread, but you can have the rest of my jar of jam."  
  
"I can? Cool! Night, Chandler."  
  
"Goodnight, Joe." Chandler then went to use the bathroom, before retiring to his bedroom. As he undressed and tried not to think about Joey touching him, he thanked God that Janice was coming to spend the weekend with him. That, and the threesome with Phoebe, would surely set him right. 


	13. The Big Weekend

In the morning, Chandler was relieved that the weekend had finally arrived, and he quickly got out of bed. While he breakfasted on cereal and toast, Joey also woke up and emerged from his bedroom.  
  
"Hey, Chandler," he said with a yawn. Joey was wearing his bathrobe and still rubbing the sleep from his eyes.  
  
"Morning," Chandler answered from the kitchen. "You're up earlier than usual."  
  
"Yeah." Joey shrugged. "Well, I have to get ready for babysitting, right?"  
  
"Right. Hey, do you feel okay, Joe? You're not sick from eating all that jam, are you?"  
  
Joey chuckled and shook his head. "Nah, are you kidding me? I can never get enough of jam. It's so sweet and gooey and delicious."  
  
Chandler smiled and wondered why Joey didn't have more dental problems, with all the candy and sweets that he frequently ate. Tribbianis must have impervious tooth enamel, as well as iron stomachs.  
  
Joey looked more awake now, and he said, "Well, I'm gonna go take a shower. Do you think you can make me some pancakes in the meantime?"  
  
"Joey!" Chandler sighed, with an air of being put upon, but he wasn't very surprised by the request. It was typical of Joey to angle for special treatment, knowing that his roommate could almost never say no to him. Chandler was always spoiling Joey with money and favors, like having breakfast with Joey's one-night stands and dumping them for Joey.  
  
"Come on, please!" Joey spoke ingratiatingly, even putting his arm around Chandler's shoulders. "I'll eat them all this time, I promise. You really do make good pancakes, and why can't I have a little treat, since I have to go stay with Monica and Rachel for the weekend? I'll have to be neat all the time and not sleep naked or anything."  
  
Chandler swallowed and tried not to tremble at Joey's nearness or the mention of him sleeping naked. Wondering whether Joey was going commando under his robe or not, Chandler had to struggle for his voice. "Uh, okay, I'll make you some pancakes," he pushed Joey away from him, "but you better go shower now."  
  
"Okay!" Joey grinned and hugged him, making Chandler blush and gasp. Joey looked puzzled by this reaction, until he guessed that Chandler might have feared that Joey was trying to kiss his cheek again. "I'm sorry," Joey said, and stepped away from him. "I'll go shower now."  
  
After Joey disappeared into the bathroom, Chandler needed a few minutes to catch his breath and compose himself. He could hardly wait for Janice and Phoebe to arrive.  
  
***  
  
By the time that Joey returned and got dressed, Chandler had already made a stack of pancakes for him. Chandler was glad, actually, since it reminded him that he wanted to cook for Janice this weekend. He would have to go to the store today for some more pancake mix and ingredients to make another loaf of bread.  
  
"Thanks, Chandler," Joey said, as he sat down and generously poured the syrup.  
  
"Better add syrup to the list," Chandler said to himself, as he pulled out his shopping list from his pocket.  
  
"What?" Joey asked with his mouth full.  
  
"I've gotta go to the grocery store soon. Anything you want me to get you while I'm there? Oh, let me guess--more jam."  
  
Joey smiled and nodded vigorously.  
  
Chandler noted that on his list too, then went to grab his coat and keys before leaving. But he stopped at the door and looked worried. "Uh, Joey, Janice will be here soon. Are you gonna be okay with seeing her? I mean, she is gonna want to check on Ruthie a lot this weekend, so you can't avoid her entirely, no matter what."  
  
Joey nodded and frowned, watching Chandler's face. "I can be polite to her, if that's what you mean." Then he tried to be more cheerful and reassuring. "Don't worry, I've been fooling her for this long, haven't I?"  
  
Chandler shrugged and leaned against the counter. "Yeah, ever since Joey and Janice's Day of Fun, she thinks you like her too, and I haven't had the heart to tell her otherwise." He sighed and pouted sadly. "I just, I wish you could like her for real, Joe. Are you sure you'll never like her? Ever?" He didn't want to have to keep Joey and Janice apart for the rest of his life.  
  
Feeling guilty, Joey put down his fork and got up from the foosball table. He shuffled over to Chandler and kept glancing at his feet as he explained, "I-I don't know how to like her, Chandler. It's just her voice, and her laugh, and the way she sings along, loudly, whenever we go out to a show, and--ugh!" he shuddered. "I mean, you know it already, don't you? You and me, we used to talk all the time about how annoying she was, and how you couldn't wait to get rid of her. You got so mad at me when I left you with her on that blind date once, remember? Nothing's changed about her, but somehow you love her now. I don't get it."  
  
Chandler remembered all the hockey games, movies, and other dates on which he had dragged Joey along with him and Janice. Now he understood Joey's feelings better, and he wasn't so mad and disappointed anymore. "You're right, Joe. Nothing's changed about her really, except for her getting divorced and having a kid. I'm the one who changed a lot, for the better, I hope. I realized that all her annoying flaws aren't that important, and can even be endearing too. I mean, I'm not perfect either, and she loves me anyway, for who I am. I've decided to focus on how smart, funny, beautiful, and caring Janice is. That's why I'm so in love with her now. See?"  
  
Joey met his eyes at last, but still looked puzzled. "Really? You can just overlook her flaws like that? Didn't you use to dump girls all the time for having big nostrils and stuff like that?"  
  
"Exactly!" Chandler nodded. "But Janice taught me how to grow up and stop making stupid excuses to dump girls. She showed me that I was running away all the time because I was afraid of commitment and was trying not to get trapped in a terrible relationship just like my parents had. I mean, on some level, I always knew that, but she made me face up to that and move on. Now I'm finally happy with her."  
  
Joey looked skeptical. "But how you can start off hating her and then love her all of the sudden?"  
  
"It wasn't really all of the sudden. It was like, um," Chandler wasn't sure how to make it clear, then he had an idea as the birds walked into the room. "Well, it's just like how you and Kate were."  
  
"Huh?" Joey didn't understand.  
  
"Remember when you first met Kate and you thought you hated her, Joe? But you were really obsessed about her, and you had a crush on her, even bigger than what you had on Ursula. And the more you rehearsed that play together and couldn't have Kate, the more you loved her. You even cried about her and talked with her all night instead of having sex, and that's something I never thought you'd do with any woman. Anyway, that's just how I was with Janice those first few times we went out. I thought I hated her, until I finally figured out that I really loved her all along. I was just too afraid to admit it."  
  
Joey was shocked and tried to comprehend things in a whole new light. "But what took you so long then? What made you finally admit it?"  
  
Chandler smiled and answered easily, "It was when I met her over the internet, Joe. When I didn't see her or hear her voice, I totally connected with her, person to person. I chatted all night with her and fell in love with her, without any of my commitment issues or her superficial flaws getting in the way. When I saw her at Central Perk, I realized that it must be fate, and I kissed her. Janice is my soulmate, and I really love her."  
  
Joey didn't know what to say to that. If Janice was Chandler's soulmate, then they might be together for good this time. They might even wind up getting married and having kids. Joey didn't know how to cope with that, and he protested, "But, but if she's your soulmate, then how come you were so in love with Kathy, huh? I mean, you loved her enough to go behind my back and kiss her. You were crazy about her."  
  
Chandler nodded. "Well, yeah, but that's when I thought Janice wasn't going to come back to me at all. I was looking for somebody to be the next best thing, and I didn't intend for it to happen, but Kathy and I just clicked so well, you know? We talked a lot and had all these interests in common. I thought, 'Well maybe Janice was just a stepping stone so that I could grow up and be ready for a mature relationship,' like what happened between you and Kate. Maybe someday you'll find the girl that you'll really settle down with. So I decided that maybe Kathy was the one for me. But even then, when you were so upset about my betrayal and said you were gonna move out, I was willing to stop seeing her if it meant that much to you." He reached out and hugged Joey close. "I'm so glad you forgave me and stayed. I don't wanna lose you, Joe."  
  
Joey hugged him back and nodded. "I don't want to lose you either." Sighing deeply, he said with difficulty, "I'll--I'll try to like Janice, for you, but I'm not sure how long it will take, or if you'll have to maybe settle for us just getting along and not killing each other."  
  
"I understand," Chandler said, knowing how difficult it would be. "Just the fact that you would try means a lot to me. Just try to not let her annoying mannerisms bother you and try to find stuff in common. You both know a lot about kids, or you could bond over cooking, maybe. And I'll try to tell her to tone down her singing and her laughter a little, okay?"  
  
"Okay." Joey stood back and met Chandler's eyes again, but he didn't quite let go of Chandler yet, and he was strongly tempted to kiss Chandler's cheek as a further sign of friendship. Joey caught himself, though, and knew he shouldn't spoil this moment between them by making Chandler uneasy and panicky again. So Joey just brushed his hand against Chandler's face and asked with wonder, "She really makes you happy, huh?"  
  
Chandler nodded, but said nothing. He could sense that Joey wanted to kiss him again, and part of him really wanted Joey to do it. In fact, he ached to kiss Joey back and have them wind up passionately groping each other, like in his erotic dream. But Chandler couldn't do that. He loved Janice, and he wasn't gay. "I-I should get to the store," he whispered, trying to collect his thoughts again. "So I can get back before Janice gets here."  
  
"Sure," Joey answered, and finally released Chandler from his embrace. "I, uh, I'll clean up around here, and let Janice in when she gets here." He shrugged and cleared his throat. "Maybe we'll try to hang out or something."  
  
"Thanks, Joe. I'll be right back." Chandler pulled his coat tighter around him and headed out the door. 


	14. Janice and Phoebe Arrive

Chandler was still out, and Joey was watching TV with the birds when Janice arrived. He heard her voice in the hallway and went to open the door for her.  
  
Janice was still coming up the stairs with Ruthie, who was babbling excitedly, and Janice also carried some overnight bags filled with her daughter's belongings. When she saw Joey, she smiled and greeted him with her characteristic laugh. "Hi, Joey!"  
  
He did his best not to recoil from her, and he remembered all the stuff that she had brought on her previous visit. Perhaps she needed help carrying more things upstairs. "Um, you need me to carry anything, Janice?"  
  
"No, we got everything, but thanks." She glanced behind her at someone out of view. "We girls decided to be smart this time around, didn't we?"  
  
To Joey's surprise, Phoebe appeared behind Janice on the stairs, and she was carrying a couple more bags that Janice had packed for the weekend. Phoebe smiled and agreed, "Yeah, we used teamwork and did it all in one trip."  
  
Joey was shocked and disapproving. "Pheebs! You shouldn't carry so much stuff. You're pregnant!"  
  
"I'm only a month along, and this stuff isn't heavy. Not like my massage table. This is just exercise." She grinned at Janice and touched her shoulder fondly. "Besides, I don't mind doing stuff for Janice."  
  
Joey was slightly puzzled by the lingering glances that the women exchanged, but he figured that Phoebe and Janice were simply becoming very chummy lately. "Uh, well, come inside then." With a shrug, he led them into the apartment, then shut the door.  
  
Janice glanced around and asked, "Where's Chandler?"  
  
"He's at the store now, but he'll be back soon." Joey offered to take her bags. "Let's put your stuff over here, so you can sit down."  
  
"Okay, thanks." Janice handed over her bags to Joey, then started to set Ruthie down onto the couch.  
  
Phoebe asked Janice, "I should put your stuff in Chandler's room, right?"  
  
"Oh yes, go ahead, honey."  
  
"Okay!" Phoebe kissed her cheek before continuing to the bedroom with the other bags.  
  
Janice sat down beside Ruthie and began to talk to Joey, but she was interrupted.  
  
"Birdies!" the toddler squealed when she saw that the chick and the duck were in the living room. With an excited laugh, she jumped off the couch and started chasing the birds around the room.  
  
Janice sighed. "She really liked those birds the last time too. I hope she won't be too much for you to handle this weekend, Joey. She really wears me out sometimes."  
  
"Don't worry, I've got nieces just like her. But I think she's gonna wear out the birds real fast, though." Joey caught Ruthie from behind and picked her up so that she couldn't chase the birds anymore.  
  
She protested angrily, and seemed ready to throw a tantrum, but Joey held onto her firmly. "Whoa, whoa, Ruthie! You're just gonna scare the birdies until they run away and hide from you. You want that, huh?" When she shook her head, he continued. "Okay, how about you help me feed them instead?"  
  
Ruthie calmed down at last and stopped squirming. "Feed them?"  
  
"Yeah, it's time for their breakfast. Hang on a minute and I'll get their food."  
  
Janice watched with fascination while Joey put Ruthie down and got out some bird feed from the kitchen. Then he knelt down and showed Ruthie how to offer the food to the birds. After some hesitation, the chick and the duck came closer to eat from her hands. Joey prevented Ruthie from squealing too loudly again, and he showed her how to pet the birds and feel their soft feathers without scaring them off. "There, see? They like you now."  
  
Ruthie laughed and curiously grabbed for the rooster's comb and neck flap.  
  
"Hey!" Joey cautioned her not to be rough. "Watch it. They're not like your stuffed animals. You gotta be gentle with them, or they'll get scared and maybe bite or scratch."  
  
Janice smiled and felt rather relieved by Joey's quick reaction. "I was worried that they might do that the other night. Oh, I'm so glad you're here this time, Joey. You know just what to do!"  
  
He wasn't sure how to react to her praise. "Uh, thanks," he shrugged  
  
Phoebe returned from the other room and sat right next to Janice, who pointed her toward the cute scene with the birds. "Oh, good, she finally calmed down. Last time, me and Chandler didn't know what to do other than put the birds in the other room and get her to play with her toys instead."  
  
Joey was puzzled. "Last time? You were here the other night?"  
  
Realizing her slip, Phoebe quickly covered with part of the truth, "Uh, yeah, I brought my guitar and played some songs for Ruthie. Then I helped Janice take Ruthie and all her stuff home."  
  
"Oh," Joey said. "Funny, Chandler didn't mention that. I guess that's why you two came together this time, huh?"  
  
"Yep." They both nodded, glad that they managed to keep their secret.  
  
To change the subject, Phoebe joined the group on the floor and began petting the birds too. She said to them, "Hi, guys," in a friendly manner. Then she thought about how the birds really were both guys, and she asked Joey, "Hey, did you ever rename the chick, now that he's turned into a rooster?"  
  
"Not really," Joey scratched his head, as if he hadn't really thought over the topic. "I think he's used to Yasmine, and I don't know what we'd call him instead. Chuck?"  
  
Phoebe shrugged. "Sure, or name him after one of the male lifeguards on Baywatch instead, since you named him after Yasmine Bleeth to begin with."  
  
Janice laughed loudly, "You mean like David Hasselhoff?"  
  
Phoebe grinned, "Hasselhoff the chicken! That sounds so cool."  
  
Before Joey could protest that he and Chandler ought to have a say in their pets' names, Monica and Rachel came into the apartment just then.  
  
They greeted everybody cheerfully, and Monica said, "Nice to see you again, Janice. Oh, is that Ruthie?" She now noticed the toddler among Joey, Phoebe, and the birds. Monica felt a pang that she didn't have a baby of her own yet. "It's been so long since we've seen her. Aw, she's gotten so big!"   
  
"Yeah," Janice laughed, then noticed Rachel's knockout dress, "Oh, Rachel, you're looking gorgeous today!"  
  
Rachel smiled. "Thank you! I am going to ask out this cute guy named Joshua today, and he better say yes!" She looked at her watch. "Oh, I better go now. See you guys!"  
  
They all said goodbye and wished her good luck, "Although you don't need it, with that dress," Janice added with a laugh.  
  
Joey was trying very hard not to get a headache from the irritating sound, and he hoped that Chandler would return soon. Leaving Phoebe to watch Ruthie and the birds, Joey got up from the floor and went over to Monica.  
  
"How about you, Mon? Still going to that rugby game today?"  
  
"Yeah," she turned and included Janice in the conversation. "Ross and Emily are gonna introduce me to some of the players, so maybe I'll get a man soon too!"  
  
Janice smiled. "Ooh! It seems like everybody's finding somebody now. I hope you get the hottest guy there."  
  
"Me too! Listen, I'm sorry I can't stay home and help babysit some more, but I really gotta get out, and Joey will do all right, I guess."  
  
"I'm sure of it. He's such a natural with kids," Janice complimented him again. "Oh, Joey, I need to tell you all about Ruthie, since you're taking care of her this weekend." She patted the couch next to her.  
  
He sighed and went over to sit beside her. Janice was still telling Joey about Ruthie's bedtime, her favorite toys and videos, her progress on potty training, and how finicky an eater she was, when Chandler finally returned with the groceries.  
  
"Hey!" he greeted everyone, then put the groceries in the kitchen so that he could go over and kiss Janice happily. "I love you."  
  
"I love you too, Bing-a-ling."  
  
While Chandler hugged her close, he glanced at Joey as if to ask how things went so far. Joey shrugged noncommittally, so Chandler just patted his shoulder and kissed Janice again. Then he got up and went to put the groceries away, chatting a little bit with Phoebe and Monica too.  
  
After Janice finished speaking to Joey, they and Monica took Ruthie and her bags across the hall. Ruthie wanted the birds to come too, but then she looked at the new apartment and forgot about the birds in her fascination for the very different place. There were flowers, curtains, colorful posters, and other feminine decorations everywhere, and this apartment felt closer to what her home with her mother was like. She ran around exploring and looking at everything, while Monica and Joey watched over her.  
  
Monica said, "Boy, I'm glad I got all those holes in the walls and floor fixed." She would never forgive herself as a hostess if Ruthie got curious about the electrical wires and hurt herself.  
  
Janice kissed Ruthie goodbye before leaving. "You be a good girl and stay here with Aunt Monica and Uncle Joey, okay? Have fun." She gave Joey one of her baby monitors and told him, "I'll definitely check on her for lunch, dinner, and bedtime, but let me know if she has trouble napping or anything. I'll come right over, if she misses me."  
  
"Yeah, don't worry. Uh, have a good time with Chandler."  
  
"Thank you! Bye." She kissed his cheek, waved at Monica, then returned with the other baby monitor to the guys' apartment.  
  
***  
  
Chandler and Phoebe had already finished cleaning up after the chick and the duck, and they let the birds watch TV in the living room. When Janice came back, they greeted her with hugs and kisses, feeling thankful that they were alone with her at last. Chandler got excited just from seeing Janice and Phoebe kissing so passionately, and he quickly locked the door.  
  
"Let's go to bed!" he spoke eagerly.  
  
They smiled at him, and Janice asked, "Is it okay to leave the birds like that?"  
  
"Oh, yeah! They're unsupervised all the time. They needed more care when we first got them, but now they pretty much do what they want."  
  
"Well then, let's go!"  
  
The three of them retired to Chandler's bedroom and eagerly kissed each other as they kicked off their shoes and piled onto the bed. Janice made sure that the baby monitor was set so that she could hear Joey, should Joey turn it on for any reason, but Joey wouldn't hear them until she clicked the button so that she could talk back to him.  
  
"Wait, Chandler," Janice said, as she pulled them apart before things got too heated. "Let's do this the right way. We have some fun stuff planned."  
  
"Like what?" he asked eagerly.  
  
Janice grinned and lay him down against the pillows. "Well, my king, get ready to meet your new slave girl."  
  
Taking her cue, Phoebe jumped off the bed and went to get the tape player with the music they had brought. She also retrieved some special clothes and props from one of the bags that Janice and packed.  
  
Janice covered Chandler's eyes so he wouldn't peek at Phoebe's preparations, and she kept kissing him to keep him busy.  
  
Chandler was quite content in her arms, but he asked, "Are you my slave girl too?"  
  
She scoffed. "No, silly! I'm your queen, and I'm going to show you that I can get just as dirty as your slave girl can."  
  
He smiled and chuckled. "I know you can, Janice. But I wanna see you get dirty *with* the slave girl."  
  
"Your wish is our command," she answered saucily.  
  
When Phoebe was ready, Janice uncovered Chandler's eyes and let him watch as Phoebe turned on the music and did a sexy strip for them, reminiscent of what she had seen at the strip club last week. Both Chandler and Janice were very pleased, then Janice got out of bed and joined in the strip until they were both naked. They embraced and began kissing each other provocatively.  
  
Chandler loved it, and he started to undo his trousers so that he could stroke himself. They saw him and returned to the bed.  
  
"Oh no!" Janice protested. "The king never undresses himself! His slave girl and his queen do that!" They undressed him together, simultaneously kissing and touching him all over. Chandler noticed that Phoebe often paused to kiss Janice instead, but he didn't mind, because that was hot too. They drove him wild with their teasing until he was naked.  
  
Then they began a playful contest to see who could please their king the most. Janice naturally had the advantage since she already knew what moves turned Chandler on, but Phoebe was creative and revealed that she was very flexible. She assumed many intriguing yoga poses, until she got a little nauseous and had to stop.  
  
"I'm sorry!" she said, feeling awful.  
  
"It's okay," Janice hugged her and kissed her. "We know you're pregnant, honey. Do you want to take a break?"  
  
"I don't want to spoil the fun."  
  
"No, you didn't spoil anything." Janice petted her and brushed the hair out of her face. "Tell her, Chandler."  
  
Sitting up at last, he nodded and agreed. "It's fine, Pheebs. We've got all weekend. You wanna hang out with the birds in the living room, or something?"  
  
"Maybe. Just, just give me a minute first." She lay her head against Janice's shoulder and closed her eyes, trying to keep herself from vomiting. They sat with her sympathetically, and Janice suggested that they make a broth to help her feel better. "You want me to do it, or can you?"  
  
"I can do it." Chandler got up and pulled on a bathrobe. He kissed Janice softly before leaving the room.  
  
[There will be more sex scenes later, but they won't be NC-17 explicit.] 


	15. Nanny Franny

[Fran Drescher's sitcom *The Nanny* aired on CBS from 1993-1999, and at its height of popularity, there was a talking Fran doll released during 1995 and 1996. No, I don't own one, but have seen it mentioned on fan websites and ebay.]  
  
Joey and Monica were still babysitting Ruthie, although Monica was actually busy making cookies in the kitchen. She knew that she probably shouldn't spoil Ruthie's appetite for lunch, but she figured that Joey would eat most of the cookies himself, so she really only had to worry about vacuuming up all the crumbs he would surely leave behind.  
  
The phone rang, and Monica answered it. "Oh, hi Rachel!" She switched on the speakerphone, then went back to placing balls of cookie dough onto the baking sheet. "So did you see Joshua yet? What'd he say?"  
  
Rachel sighed loudly, sounding irritated. "Well, I asked him out and he seemed like he was going to say yes at first, but then he said no."  
  
"What?! The nerve of him."  
  
Joey was shocked too. "He turned you down in that dress?"  
  
"I know! He said he was very flattered, and he was attracted to me too, which is why he kept coming to Bloomingdale's to see me, but then he said that he had just gotten divorced and he didn't feel ready to date again just yet. So he asked me if we could take things slow and be just friends for now."  
  
"Aw, man!"  
  
"What did you say?"  
  
"I told him, fine, we can be friends, but don't expect me to just sit around waiting for him to be ready. I've got plenty of guys that I can date instead, and I might not even want him anymore by the time he finally comes around."  
  
"Good for you, Rach!"  
  
"Yeah. Play hard to get."  
  
"I will! So, Mon, it looks like you and me are going to go after some rugby guys, like we talked about before."  
  
"Oh, sure!" Monica answered cheerfully. "Just meet us all at the Riverside Park at two o'clock, then we can pick out the cute guys that we want Emily to introduce us to."  
  
"Well, why don't we have lunch together first, and maybe even go shopping with my Bloomingdale's discount? I feel in need of some gal time."  
  
Monica smiled as she put the baking sheet into the oven. "That sounds good too. We could go to the park together afterward. Okay, so where do you want to have lunch?" While Monica and Rachel discussed this, Ruthie insistently tugged at Joey's sleeve.  
  
He turned around to give her his full attention. "What is it?"  
  
"Want my dolly."  
  
"Your dolly, huh?" Joey reached for her bag of toys and rummaged through various teddy bears, games, and kid's books. "Okay, which one is it?"  
  
"Nanny," she said. "Nanny Franny."  
  
"Nanny Franny? Oh." Janice had mentioned this doll to him earlier, so Joey found it and gave it to Ruthie, who squealed in delight and started playing with it.  
  
After hanging up the phone, Monica left the kitchen to tell Joey what time she was going to leave for lunch with Rachel, but she got distracted by how cute Ruthie looked while babbling excitedly to her doll. "Hey, what's that? A brunette Barbie?"  
  
Joey answered, "Nope, it's a--"  
  
As if on cue, Ruthie made the doll talk, and it spoke in a familiar nasal voice, "Big hair makes your hips look smaller." This joke was followed by the characteristic, obnoxious laughter of the popular TV nanny from Flushing, Queens.  
  
Monica chuckled heartily. "Oh, it's one of those Nanny dolls!"  
  
Joey nodded and explained, "Yeah, it's apparently Ruthie's favorite when she's in day care, because it reminds her of her mother."  
  
"Of course! It makes perfect sense: same kind of voice and hair, plus the Nanny wears lots of leopard print and brightly colored outfits like Janice does."  
  
Joey cringed at this comparison. He actually found the Nanny character kind of hot, with her outrageous fashions and short skirts that flaunted her figure.  
  
Monica grinned. "What, you never saw the resemblance before? It's like when Rachel was dating Russ instead of Ross. They're as different as night, and later that night."  
  
Joey pouted and protested, "That's just a coincidence. There's lots of women in New York who talk and dress like that. It's, it's a stereotype, like how Italians are mobsters and stuff."  
  
"I know," Monica said with a shrug, "but it's kinda cool, don't you think? Sometimes I'm just waiting for the Nanny to say 'Hello, Chandler Bing'! She practically does it whenever she says 'Mr. Sheffield,' you know?"  
  
Ruthie made the doll talk again, then she started singing nonsense words to the tune of *The Nanny* theme song.  
  
Monica found this adorable and sang along with her.  
  
Joey didn't know what to think, and then the oven timer dinged.  
  
"Oh, the cookies are done!" Monica headed back to the kitchen.  
  
"Cookies?" Joey was shocked that he hadn't smelled them baking before. He was usually never so distracted.  
  
"Yes, but you have to let them cool first." Monica took the cookies out of the oven and removed them from the baking sheet. "I'm not gonna let you or Ruthie burn yourselves on these."  
  
That was easier said than done, for Ruthie also rushed over to the kitchen and wanted cookies right away.  
  
"No, no, sweetie. Not yet. Go sit down and play some more."  
  
"Cookie!"  
  
"No, I'm sorry. Hey, you want to lick the bowl instead?" Monica grabbed the mixing bowl and ushered Ruthie back to the living room. Joey also wanted to lick the bowl, and Monica felt like a mother to two children. She sighed and told herself that, if she met a cute dream guy today, it might lead to love, marriage, and her having real kids of her own.  
  
***  
  
Across the hall, Chandler returned to the bedroom after looking through the pantry. "Uh, the only kind of broth we have is chicken broth, and that's actually leftover from when Monica was living here. I guess she forgot to take all her cans with her."  
  
"Oh!" Janice realized her mistake and patted Phoebe's head. "I'm sorry, sweetie, I forgot that you're a vegetarian. Chandler, can you go look in that bag over there, because I think her grandmother packed some home remedies for her?"  
  
"Okay." In the bag, Chandler found a box of crackers, and several packets of ginger tea. So he gave them the crackers, then returned to the kitchen to boil some water for the tea.  
  
Phoebe felt somewhat better after munching on some crackers, so Janice wrapped them both in robes and decided to go back into the living room. They sat down on the couch to watch TV with the duck and rooster, and Janice put a bucket next to Phoebe, just in case.  
  
"Thank you," Phoebe said.  
  
"You're welcome. You want any honey in your tea?"  
  
"If you have any."  
  
Janice asked whether Chandler had some honey, but he shook his head. "No, we don't. Uh, we do have jam, though, and bread. Oh, hey, I was gonna make you guys some cinnamon raisin bread today."  
  
"You were?"  
  
"Yeah, me and Joey made a loaf in the breadmaker last night, and it was great. That's why I went to the store this morning, to get more ingredients. If I start making the bread now, it should be done baking by lunch time."  
  
"Oh, that's sounds good!"  
  
So Chandler poured some tea for Phoebe, then found the bread recipe again so that he could begin making a new loaf.  
  
Janice smiled and came over to assist him. "If it tastes anything like that pasta dinner Joey made for us, it's got to be delicious!"  
  
"It is!" Chandler nodded. He and Janice made the dough, then left it to rise and bake in the breadmaker.  
  
Phoebe kept sipping her tea and ate Chandler's last few slices of toast, which she agreed tasted very yummy. "I don't feel like throwing this up at all!"  
  
Laughing, Chandler and Janice made some snacks for themselves, then snuggled and kissed on Chandler's recliner together. After a while, Phoebe insisted that she would be all right for now and they should have fun. Hugging her, they returned to Chandler's bedroom without her and made love playfully.  
  
"I missed you all week, Janice. I wish you could live here with me."  
  
She smiled, but shook her head. "There wouldn't be enough room for me and Ruthie here. Maybe you could move in with us?"  
  
Chandler was very tempted to say yes, for he wanted to be with Janice all the time, but he hesitated. "How could I leave Joey?"  
  
"Hmm, well maybe Phoebe could move in with him here."  
  
Chandler pondered that, but realized that he'd miss Joey too much. He'd miss playing foosball and other games, taking care of the chick and the duck, watching *Baywatch* and *Die Hard*, drinking beers and eating pizzas... no place would really feel like home without Joey around.  
  
Janice saw Chandler's pout and suspected that he was getting scared of commitment, so she laughed dismissively and backed off. "What are we talking about moving in for? What's the rush? Let's just enjoy ourselves right now!"  
  
Chandler agreed and they happily went back to fooling around. However, they were eventually interrupted by a voice coming from the baby monitor on the nightstand. "Hello? Hello?" Then Joey spoke to himself, "Maybe I should call on the phone instead."  
  
Janice pulled away from Chandler and shushed him, then clicked the button to reply to Joey. "Yes, Joey?"  
  
"Uh, hey, Janice." Joey seemed to understand that he'd interrupted an intimate moment, and he sounded embarrassed. "I'm sorry."  
  
"It's okay," she said. "How's Ruthie? Is she all right?"  
  
"Yeah, but a little hyper, and she wants to play with the birds again." In the background, Ruthie squealed, "Birdies!" and started quacking like the duck. Joey tried to shush her, then continued, "Anyway, uh, I just wondered if you guys wanted to have pizzas for lunch."  
  
"Oh, sure. That would be great. You guys can come over here and eat with us, so that she'll get to play with the birds for a little while again." She glanced at the clock. "Is 11:30 good for you and Monica?"  
  
"Uh, Monica left to have lunch with Rachel. They won't be home until after that rugby game with Ross and Emily."  
  
"Oh, so it'll be just you and Ruthie for lunch? That's fine. So we'll order the pizzas here and see you then."  
  
"Okay. See you."  
  
"Bye." After she reset the baby monitor, she returned to Chandler's side and kissed him again. "So what kind of pizza toppings does Joey like?"  
  
"Wait, aren't you forgetting about Phoebe?" Chandler asked. "I thought you didn't want him to know that she was staying here with us for the weekend."  
  
"Oh, yeah. How about we order an extra cheese pizza for her and have her wait here in bed until Joey and Ruthie go back across the hall?"  
  
He shrugged. "As long as it's all right with Phoebe, I guess. And we have to make sure that Joey doesn't eat all the pizza."  
  
"Okay." Janice got out of bed and went to talk to Phoebe about arrangements for lunch, while Chandler lay there with a sigh and hoped that lunch would be over quickly, so they could have some more fun in bed. 


	16. Lunch and Other Issues

Chandler ordered the pizzas, while Janice helped Phoebe hide in his bedroom with her tea, crackers, and bucket, so that Joey wouldn't know she was there. Then Janice and Chandler got dressed and promised that they wouldn't leave her alone too long. She said she would be fine and would probably meditate, in hopes of keeping away her nausea for the rest of the weekend.  
  
So Chandler and Janice returned to the living room to wait for the pizzas and their guests to arrive. Joey came to the door with Ruthie and hesitantly knocked. "Hey, are you guys... decent yet?"  
  
Janice laughed loudly and unlocked the door. "Of course we are, Joey!" She opened the door and playfully hit his arm, then picked up her daughter and kissed her warmly. "Hey, did you miss me, honey? Did you miss your mommy?"  
  
Ruthie was still pretending to be a duck. "Quack, quack!"  
  
Chandler joked, "I guess that means yes. Unless... Hey, Dick, get over here and translate!" The duck didn't even turn his head at the sound of his name, just staying put in front of the TV, where he and the rooster were busy watching a nature show at the moment.  
  
Janice laughed and shrugged, figuring that Ruthie would start genuinely missing her once they were apart for at least a whole day; maybe her toddler thought this was just another short visit with relatives or a babysitter.  
  
As Ruthie continued giggling and quacking, Janice grinned. "Think of what she'll sound like when she tries to crow like a rooster, huh?" She then laughed a particularly long and noisy laugh, even for her.  
  
Joey did his best to fake a smile, but Chandler could tell that Joey was definitely feeling the urge to "rip off my arm just so I can have something to throw at her."  
  
Chandler worriedly put an arm around Joey and whispered in his ear, "You okay?"  
  
Joey discreetly rubbed his temple and nodded, whispering back, "Uh, yeah. I-I just need some aspirin." He pulled away and went to get a glass of water and a couple of pills.  
  
Janice didn't notice, for she had now carried Ruthie into the living room in order to play with the birds again. "Careful, careful. Remember what Uncle Joey said," she reminded her daughter as they sat on the rug together. "Oh, look at the pretty birdies on the TV, too!"  
  
Ruthie kept quacking excitedly at the duck, as if having a contest to see who could quack the loudest.  
  
"Uh, Janice," Chandler said gently as he sat down next to them, "Could you keep it down please?"  
  
"I know, I'm sorry," Janice said as she hushed her daughter. "Shh, you don't want to scare the birdies away again."  
  
Chandler glanced back at Joey, who was swallowing the aspirin and gulping the water, and he felt more guilty for not remembering to have this talk with Janice before. Chandler spoke as tactfully as he could, "I didn't mean just Ruthie, Janice. I-I meant you too."   
  
"What?" she said, blinking with confusion.  
  
Chandler really didn't want to criticize and possibly hurt his girlfriend, but he didn't want to alienate Joey further, either. So Chandler squeezed her hand and whispered reassuringly, "I mean, I love you, Janice. I love you so much, but, um--" He cleared his throat and shrugged, "Well, you know how loud and hyper kids can get, and Ruthie can certainly squeal and quack with the best of them. And Joey--Joey's been taking care of her all morning already, and um, I-I think he's getting a headache, you see. So can you please, please try not to laugh too loudly just now? For Joey?"  
  
Janice stared at Chandler as she absorbed his words, then she too glanced at Joey, who was still rubbing his head in the kitchen while he waited for the aspirin to kick in. Unknown to her, Joey was also muttering repeatedly to himself that he had promised to try liking Janice for Chandler's sake.  
  
Looking back at Chandler, Janice said with surprise, "I'm sorry, I didn't know Joey was so *sensitive* just now."  
  
"I know, honey. Joey just doesn't want to tell you this himself, so you won't get the wrong idea about it, like how he--he hated you before Joey and Janice's Day of Fun."  
  
"Oh, I remember that," Janice said. "I spent all day teaching him to love me, even though his floppy haircut was annoying me so much. I'm so glad that he changed it. His eyes are way too pretty to be covered up by those droopy long bangs, you know?"  
  
Chandler nodded along and continued reassuring her, "Yeah, and you have a great voice, Janice, a really great--I mean, just ask Phoebe, you know? But it, it can be a little overpowering sometimes, and I just think it would help Joey if you toned it down right now. I mean, of course you can laugh as much as you want to, but just not so loudly. Please?"  
  
"Okay, sweetie, I understand." Janice kissed him. "I do know how loud my Ruthie can get, so I guess Joey's just not used to it yet. Boy, he should have heard her when she was just a baby, crying all night, hour after hour!" She started to laugh again, but when Chandler gave her a warning look, she quieted down and said, "Sorry, honey!"  
  
"It's okay." Chandler hugged her and kissed her again. "I love you."  
  
"I love you too, Bing-a-ling."  
  
Chandler got up again and said that he was going to check on Joey, so Janice kept playing with Ruthie and the birds, and she made sure that Ruthie also kept her voice down.  
  
Back in the kitchen, Chandler murmured to Joey, "I asked her to tone it down. Do you think you can make it through lunch?"  
  
Joey sighed heavily and nodded, "If it's not too long..."  
  
Chandler patted his shoulder and assured him, "We'll wrap it up right after the pizzas." He had not forgotten that Phoebe was waiting for them all to finish.  
  
"Okay." Joey glanced at Janice in the living room and tried to think positive thoughts about her, but he was reminded of Monica's earlier comments about the Nanny. With a frown, he asked Chandler, "Hey, um, you know that TV show, *The Nanny*? Did you ever think that--?" Before he could finish inquiring about the resemblance between Fran Drescher and Janice Litman, the pizza delivery guy arrived.  
  
"Oh, hang on a minute." Chandler went to pay for the pizzas, while Joey stacked the boxes on the foosball table.  
  
As Joey peeked at the toppings, he noticed something, "Hey, you got a plain cheese pizza here. What, Ruthie doesn't eat meat yet or something?"  
  
"Oh, no, that's not for her. She wouldn't be able to finish that herself."  
  
"Well, who's it for?" Joey lowered his voice, then asked, "Is Janice on some weird no-meat diet, 'cause that is just wrong!"  
  
Chandler closed the door after the pizza delivery guy and hurried to distract Joey's suspicions. "Uh, no, that's just an extra pizza, Joe. We're not eating that yet. Janice and I are--are saving that one for later, uh, in case we get hungry again, you know?" He motioned with his eyebrows suggestively.  
  
"Oh. Yeah." Joey turned away from him and cringed at the thought that they were having *that* much sex this weekend.  
  
Chandler cleared his throat and grabbed the extra pizza. "So let's just put this one aside, and if you feel hungry for more food, Joe, then you can just eat more jam, you know. I even made more bread." He pointed toward the breadmaker.  
  
Joey took a peek at the new loaf. "Wow, you did. It smells good, so I guess you did it right."  
  
Chandler smiled, "Yeah but this time I didn't waste any flour. Me and Janice followed the recipe exactly this time."  
  
Joey felt a twinge of jealousy, reminiscent of the time when Eddie started making eggs for Chandler. But Joey bit his lip against commenting on this, and he shrugged. "Uh, let's start eating the pizzas, okay?"  
  
"Sure, just let me get some plates out first, and Janice is gonna want to cut up the slices extra small for Ruthie."  
  
"Right." Joey helped him get plates and set the table, while Janice told Ruthie it was time for lunch.  
  
They all sat down to eat, but Ruthie was very messy and kept dropping pieces of pizza to the birds, who didn't always catch the food before it landed on the floor. "Ruthie!" Janice said with exasperation, "Now it's all over the nice floor."  
  
Joey and Chandler didn't mind the mess, though, as they had done far worse to their floor themselves, and they said they could clean it up after lunch.  
  
"All right," Janice sighed and tried not to worry about it. She kept her eye on the clock, hoping that Phoebe wasn't getting impatient and hungry in the bedroom.  
  
As they ate, Janice talked with Joey about Ruthie some more, and also asked him if she could have the recipe to the pasta dish he made the other night. "It was so delicious."  
  
Joey felt another twinge of jealousy. "Uh, thanks. But I-I don't know if my mom would want me to give out the secret. It's, uh, an old family recipe."  
  
Chandler was surprised, as Joey hadn't mentioned that to him before, and he suspected that he ought to kick Joey's leg to remind him that he was supposed to be getting along with Janice.  
  
Janice bought the excuse, though, and didn't mind. "Oh, I didn't know that, Joey. My mother's just like that about some of our old family recipes. She swore me to secrecy all the time!" She laughed, but after a moment realized that she was too loud, so she laughed more delicately.  
  
Chandler smiled approvingly, and Joey appreciated her correction too. He even started a friendly conversation with Janice about cooking, and mothers, for he wasn't quite so jealous if he could reserve that recipe to him and Chandler. It was annoying enough to know that Janice had made bread with Chandler already.  
  
Chandler and Janice soon realized, though, that they needed to finish lunch and not keep Phoebe waiting longer, so they said goodbye to Joey and told him that they didn't want to keep Ruthie from her nap.  
  
Joey asked Janice with confusion, "But I thought you said she doesn't have a nap until a couple of hours after lunch?"  
  
Chandler cleared his throat and wiggled his eyebrows again. "Yeah, but Janice and I just want some alone time."  
  
Joey's eyes widened and he hurried to get Ruthie and leave. He certainly didn't want to stick around if Chandler and Janice were feeling horny again.  
  
***  
  
After Joey returned to the other apartment with Ruthie, they locked the door again and let Phoebe out of the bedroom.  
  
"You want lunch, honey?" Janice asked.  
  
"A little, but I can't eat too much," Phoebe said cautiously. She usually didn't get so sick if she had many small meals instead of three big meals a day.  
  
"Don't worry, we can put the leftovers away for later."  
  
Chandler reheated some slices of the cheese pizza, while Janice cleaned up the dropped pizza from the floor.  
  
Phoebe sat down and ate, asking for some napkins too.  
  
"Sure. Oh, if the pizza's too greasy, you can have some bread instead. It tastes really good when it's fresh!"  
  
"Thank you."  
  
They tended to her needs, then sat in the living room and watched TV with the birds again. However, they quickly ended up kissing and groping again, so Phoebe insisted that they go have fun without her again. "Go on. I wanna finish this slice."  
  
Chandler and Janice thanked her and departed for his bedroom. Phoebe ate and listened to them fooling around. Janice even turned on the stripper music and probably performed the strip again, frequently calling Chandler her king. Soon Chandler and Janice were naked on the bed and getting hot and heavy again.  
  
Phoebe felt very envious and decided that she felt good enough to join them, so she put her plate in the sink before going into the bedroom. While they were engrossed in each other, Phoebe climbed onto the bed and kissed Janice passionately.  
  
They were surprised but pleased. "You're really feeling better now?" Janice asked.  
  
"Yes." She started to get naked too. "If you still want me."  
  
Janice grinned. "Of course. We're glad to have our slave girl back."  
  
Chandler agreed and made room for Phoebe. "Show me what else you can do!"  
  
"Okay, but no more yoga for now."  
  
They all kissed each other and finally resumed their threesome. Chandler enjoyed many of his favorite erotic activities with Janice, witnessed some hot lesbian sex, and then participated in a three-way sixty-nine until they were exhausted.  
  
"Oh God," Chandler collapsed against the pillows when they had finished. "That was--oh God!" He couldn't think of any other words to describe this incredible afternoon. He felt so lucky and happy.  
  
Janice kissed him with a smile, but then felt Phoebe hug her from behind. "I'm glad I didn't get nauseous again," she said. "I didn't want to ruin this weekend."  
  
"No, you wouldn't ruin it, Phoebe," Janice reassured her. "We could always have done it another time. In fact, you could even come back for another weekend, if you want to! After your first trimester's over, the morning sickness usually stops and then you'll feel ready to have lots and lots of sex!"  
  
"Really?" Phoebe asked. "But will you still want me when I'm so big and pregnant?"  
  
"Of course!" Janice said. "Why, your breasts will get so much bigger, and there will more blood flow in your groin, which makes it much easier for you to orgasm."  
  
"Whoa!" Chandler's eyes widened as he listened to this, and his blood flowed straight to his groin, too.  
  
Janice and Phoebe laughed, then pounced on their king in unison. 


	17. Stimulating Conversations

Joey played games with Ruthie and watched some children's videos with her until it was time for her nap. Then he tucked her in and turned out most of the lights, but left on a lamp as a nightlight. Going to the kitchen, Joey got a beer from a fridge and decided to go peek into Monica and Rachel's (formerly his and Chandler's) bedrooms, to see what they had done to the rooms since they moved in. (Perhaps he would even be able to sneak a glimpse of their lingerie.)  
  
But Ruthie slept rather restlessly on Monica's loveseat, and she complained in a whimper that the apartment looked scary in the dark. She also missed her mommy and wanted to go home. After unsuccessfully trying to comfort her, Joey finally picked up the baby monitor again.  
  
Janice said that she would come right over. "Just give me a minute to dress."  
  
"Okay. See ya." He turned off the monitor and sat waiting for her, feeling embarrassed and nervous again; he didn't want to imagine what she and Chandler might have been doing at the moment.  
  
Janice arrived, wearing black pyjamas with leopard print cuffs, and her hair was slightly awry.  
  
"Mommy!"  
  
Janice hugged Ruthie and reassured her. "I'm here, baby." Sitting down on the loveseat, she rocked Ruthie in her lap and sang songs to calm her down.  
  
Joey sipped his beer and reflected that he usually hated to hear Janice sing, but since she was just softly crooning lullabies, she didn't sound so bad this time.  
  
Ruthie still clung to her mother and whimpered a little. Then she asked if she could have a cookie.  
  
"A cookie? No, maybe after your nap, sweetie. How about some milk for now?"  
  
Ruthie nodded and sucked her thumb, so Janice asked, "Joey, can you--?"  
  
"Sure." He went and got a bottle out of the fridge. "You want me to heat it up first?"  
  
"Yeah, I think some warm milk will make her sleepy."  
  
"Okay." Joey got out a pot and turned on the stove so that he could heat up the bottle of milk. He already knew that he shouldn't microwave a baby bottle.  
  
"Thank you." Janice resumed singing songs to Ruthie.  
  
Joey kept heating up the bottle, until he suddenly realized that he was humming along with the lullaby that Janice was singing. That spooked him for a moment, so he stopped and cleared his throat. Finally Joey tested the milk on his wrist and found that it wasn't too hot, so he handed the bottle to Janice, before licking the drops from his arm.  
  
"Oh, Joey, wait!" she warned him. "That's breast milk. I haven't weaned her off it yet."  
  
Joey shrugged. "It's okay. I've tasted breast milk before." He licked up the drops anyway, then turned off the stove and put the pot into the sink.  
  
Janice was surprised by Joey's calmness. "Wow. Chandler is so freaked out by it."  
  
Joey nodded. "I know. It's weird. Him and Ross and Rachel have something against tasting breast milk." He told her about the incident with Carol's breast milk a couple of years ago. "I mean, regular milk is juice squeezed from a cow, so what's the big deal?"  
  
Janice agreed and told him how, in her family, they believed in letting a child breastfeed for two to three years. Since she began eating solid foods, Ruthie didn't breastfeed as often now as she used to, but it was often enough that Janice always made sure to have a few bottles of breast milk handy for daycare and babysitters. Why force Ruthie to cope with two major transitions at the same time--potty training and switching to cow's milk?  
  
While Janice sat down and fed Ruthie the warm milk from the bottle, Joey discussed with her different opinions about how long to breastfeed a baby, but then he saw the clock and realized how much time had passed.  
  
He offered, "Uh, maybe I should do that, if Chandler's waiting for you now?"  
  
"Oh, it's okay. I told him I could be a while, so he should do something else." Or rather, someone else.  
  
"Really? Maybe I should go hang out with him--" Joey really missed Chandler and wanted to see him again.  
  
"No, no, Joey!" Janice stopped him, for she didn't want him to walk in on Chandler and Phoebe in bed. "Now's not a good time to visit."  
  
"It isn't?" Joey sat down again.  
  
"No, I'm sorry. But you can see him later, you know? At dinner time."  
  
"Oh. Okay." Joey looked sad and wondered what Chandler was doing now. It sounded like something vaguely kinky or embarrassing. Maybe it was something as silly as Chandler polishing his nails, since they both seemed to like his recent manicure and pedicure at the salon.  
  
Or--Joey grimaced at the thought--maybe Janice had left him handcuffed, like Joanna had done once. But considering what had happened with Joanna, Joey hoped that Chandler had finally learned his lesson about being too trusting with women. Chandler's habit of being too sexually compliant was also what allowed Susie Moss to successfully prank Chandler and leave him trapped in a bathroom stall, wearing nothing but socks and a hot pink thong. He surely wouldn't repeat that mistake, would he?  
  
Joey sighed and returned to the kitchen to rinse out the pot and put it away. Then he grabbed his beer again and drank it, wishing that Chandler were here to share beers with him and joke around. The hours until dinner seemed very long indeed.  
  
Ruthie had enough milk and finally fell asleep, so Janice tucked her in again while Joey returned the bottle to the fridge. Then Janice said goodbye to Joey in a whisper and kissed his cheek. "Thanks again for watching her. I hope Monica and Rachel get home soon, so you can go out and have some fun of your own."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Anyway, see you tonight."  
  
"Yeah, see ya." After she left, Joey stared around the old apartment and deeply missed the days when he and Chandler lived here. He fondly remembered when he cut Chandler's door in half and built the entertainment center, and how they would stay up all night playing foosball, or just smile and hug each other. This place was home, and he almost wished that he and Chandler hadn't won that bet and moved.  
  
***  
  
Meanwhile, Janice returned to Phoebe and Chandler, and they all resumed their afternoon of fun, though Chandler was getting worn out, so he contented himself with watching Janice and Phoebe do stuff.  
  
Finally it was dinner time, so once again they had to get dressed and hide Phoebe. Dinner went much like lunch, except that Monica and Rachel were there too, looking excited and refreshed by their afternoon together.  
  
Of all the cute rugby players, Monica had liked Devon the most, and they really hit it off when they talked. Rachel had also met a guy named Geoffrey, with whom she and Monica would double date tomorrow night. But Rachel was actually more excited about the new clothes she had bought and how she was going to make Joshua jealous when she saw him next.  
  
"Oh! I can ask Joshua to put me on the list for his club again, then me and Geoff can go dancing there."  
  
Monica had no objection to the plan, but hoped that Rachel would not spend too much time obsessing about Joshua. "Something great might develop with Geoff, you know."  
  
"Maybe. We'll see."  
  
While the women talked, Joey tried to bond with Chandler, telling him that babysitting Ruthie across the hall had reminded him of all the fun they used to have at the old apartment.  
  
Monica asked hopefully, "Do you guys wanna switch back?"  
  
Chandler replied firmly, "Oh no you don't! We won that game fair and square."  
  
"But Chandler--" Joey pleaded.  
  
"No, we can't live in the small apartment again, Joe. Haven't you read *Flowers for Algernon*?"  
  
Joey floundered. "Haven't you read *Sports Illustrated*?" When Chandler gave him an incredulous look, he admitted, "No, I didn't read yours!"  
  
Janice chuckled, then patted Joey's arm and helpfully summarized the salient points of the book. "...So then the operation fails and Charlie slowly reverts back to his old IQ and gets even worse, poor thing. It's so tragic."  
  
"Exactly!" Chandler said.  
  
It hurt Joey to realize that he couldn't compete with Janice intellectually, and he still wanted to move back home, all the same. He pouted and grumbled, "It's just a new apartment, not a new brain or anything."  
  
Janice actually agreed with him. "Good point, Joey. If I remember correctly, Charlie wasn't so happy when he was an egotistical genius either."  
  
This led to a more detailed discussion of the book, mainly between Chandler and Janice, with the occasional relevant comment from Monica. Rachel hadn't read the book, though, nor many other books on the required reading list from school; as cheerleader co-captain at Lincoln High, she had readily found other people to do academic work for her, so that she could concentrate on fashion and making pyramids.  
  
Rachel joked about how Wallis Pincer took her SATs for her, and tried to draw Joey into a less intellectual conversation, but Joey was pouting too much and staring enviously at Chandler and Janice again.  
  
Chandler noticed this, so after dinner he pulled Joey aside to have a talk in private. Since Monica and Rachel returned to their apartment, and Janice wanted to let Phoebe out to eat, Chandler said, "Let's go play some darts," and led the way into Joey's bedroom.  
  
Joey was happy to hang out with Chandler for a while, so he eagerly set up the dartboard on the wall and asked, "You wanna play Hammer Darts to make it interesting?" He looked around for his hammer.  
  
"No, no, let's talk about Janice first." Chandler sat them down on the bed and saw Joey's instant frown of disappointment. "What's the matter?" he asked. "I thought you guys were getting along okay, and Janice told me that you had a pretty good talk while getting Ruthie back to sleep."  
  
Joey nodded. "Yeah, I guess, and she's not giving me a headache anymore. But I don't know," he shrugged. "It's not really about her now. I just--I miss you."  
  
"You miss me? What? I haven't gone anywhere, Joe. I'm right here."  
  
"No, but--but just now we were having dinner, and it didn't even feel like we were hanging out. You were all talking about books and stuff."  
  
"I'm sorry, we just got on that subject for a while. Why didn't you just talk with Rachel about something else, instead of moping around like that?"  
  
"'Cause I wanted to talk to you!" Joey pouted. "It's not fair. I was waiting all day to see you, and you don't even wanna talk to me."  
  
"That's not true!" Chandler hugged him apologetically. "You know that's not. I didn't mean to leave you out, Joe. It's just, sometimes I forget that you didn't read the same books we did." He laughed and remembered what Joey had previously said about his own high school experience. "Man, I bet while we suckers were all busy studying, you were out partying and having sex. I wish I'd gone to your high school."  
  
Joey nodded and answered seriously. "I wish you did."  
  
Chandler was surprised. "Yeah? You wouldn't mind having a geek like me hanging around you and ruining your cool reputation?"  
  
Joey shrugged and put an arm around him. "You're not so bad. Ross on the other hand..."  
  
Chandler smiled and added, "And maybe I could've, like, tutored you in your classes in return for you showing me how to pick up girls. God, it took me forever to figure it out in college, hanging out with Ross!" He sighed and shook his head. "I can't believe I didn't suspect that he was sabotaging me too, telling the girls I was gay."  
  
Joey recalled the recent quiz game that won them the apartment. "You were really 19 when you first touched a girl's breast?"  
  
Chandler blushed and nodded. "That wasn't all my fault! I went to high school at an all-boys' boarding school, you know, where I had no access to girls. Then with Ross slowing me down in college, it took me months to make any progress with the chicks."  
  
"Man!" Joey was shocked. "If I was there, I'd have hired you a hooker to fix you up like that!" He snapped his fingers.  
  
Chandler laughed heartily. "Losing my virginity and committing a crime all in one night. Boy, do you know how to have fun!"  
  
"Yeah!" Joey agreed with a grin.  
  
Rolling his eyes, Chandler just shook his head and chuckled. "I bet you would've been an even bigger party wizard than Gandalf was."  
  
Joey pouted jealously and pulled away.  
  
"What's the matter?" Chandler asked.  
  
Joey sighed and looked at the floor. "It's just, you and Ross got so excited about that wizard guy coming into town a while ago. You guys kept saying, 'Dude' and how you never party anymore, like you and me never have any fun. And, and you were all talking geek stuff about reading some book in high school, and it made me feel left out, just like you and Janice tonight. I just--I hate it when you and Ross bond about college junk, 'cause it makes me feel like I'm not your best friend, and you'd rather hang out with people who are smarter than me."  
  
Chandler was stunned and apologetic. "But, but you *are* my best friend, Joe. You are. I mean, what I said about Ross before, I meant that. We lived together and hung out, but it was a relief when he finally moved in with Carol and I didn't have to hear his damn air purifier anymore."  
  
Joey shrugged. "But don't I annoy you sometimes? You complained about me licking the spoons and stuff."  
  
"I know, but I never wanted you to move out, Joe." He got rather emotional as he remembered the pain of Joey moving out. "I mean, I missed you so much. I, I--" Unable to say those three words, he finally just pulled Joey into his arms and hugged him tightly.  
  
Joey wanted to say "I love you" too, but he bit his lip against it. So he just buried his head in Chandler's shoulder and savored this warm, reassuring embrace.  
  
Suddenly, Janice opened the door and startled them. "Oh! I'm sorry. I-I thought you were playing darts."  
  
Chandler pulled away from Joey and blushed deeply, suddenly feeling guilty and uncomfortable. It was almost as if his girlfriend had caught him reenacting his erotic dream with Joey.  
  
Joey also looked embarrassed and cleared his throat. "We, um, we couldn't find the darts." He tried to be macho and aloof, even though his excuse made no sense.  
  
"Okay." Janice stifled her giggles and shrugged, thinking how silly men could be when they were jumpy about physical affection. "Um, I just wanted to know if you guys wanted to hang out with us until Ruthie's bedtime. Why leave just because dinner's over, huh? You guys could play foosball or whatever."  
  
They agreed and followed her into the living room nervously.  
  
Joey was surprised to see Phoebe playing with Ruthie and the birds. "Pheebs? When did you get here?"  
  
"Oh, uh, just after you guys had dinner. I just wanted to drop by and hang out with Janice. Hey, let's sing some more songs to Ruthie!"  
  
"Okay," Janice laughed and sat down with her. Phoebe started teaching Janice the words to her new song about the chick and the duck, and they had fun making up the melody.  
  
Joey and Chandler turned on a sports game, then went to play foosball.  
  
Joey asked, "You sure you don't want us to leave so you and Janice can have some... alone time?"  
  
"No, it's okay. We were kind of tired already, and Janice wants to spend some more time with Ruthie."  
  
"Oh. Okay." Joey decided to make the most of the time they had together. 


	18. The Twelve Pack

[In season 2, there was no Thanksgiving episode, unlike all other seasons of *Friends*. Episode 208, TOW The List, had a subplot about Monica making Mockolate recipes for Thanksgiving, but there was no big dinner among the friends, and they skipped right to Christmas in the next episode. So for this story, I will assume that everyone except Chandler spent Thanksgiving with their families that year. Joey's flashback (set between episodes 308 and 309) will explain why things changed in season 3.]  
  
-  
  
-  
  
After Ruthie's bedtime, Janice and Joey took the toddler back across the hall to tuck her in. Monica happily watched Ruthie sleep and softly talked with Rachel and Joey about her desire to have a baby. "If Devon and I had a baby together, do you think it would be a girl or a boy? If it's a girl, I want to name her Emma, and if it's a boy, Daniel."  
  
"Emma?" Rachel answered. "That's weird. Ross wanted a girl named Emily for our first kid."  
  
"He did?"  
  
"Yeah, he talked about it when we were dating. Hey, it's weird that he's now dating a girl named Emily. I wonder if it means anything."  
  
"Hmm."  
  
"Whatever you do, just don't talk to Devon about having babies yet. You don't want to scare him off."  
  
"Of course."  
  
Joey drank his beer and asked the women pensively if they thought Chandler and Janice would get married someday. "I hope he won't move far away. I hope I'll still get to see him."  
  
"I'm sure he'll come visit a lot, Joey. Ross always came around a lot even after he married Carol."  
  
"Good," Joey said, trying not to worry. He feared that Chandler might be one of those guys who quickly left behind their old bachelor life and only went out with other couples. Joey didn't want to lose Chandler, just because he couldn't settle down in a couple too.  
  
Rachel smiled and joked, "If Chandler moves out, who gets to keep your birds, you or him?"  
  
Monica joined in with a laugh. "Yeah, who gets to keep all the new furniture he bought you? Will you wind up with just the white dog statue, huh?"  
  
"Ha-ha." He was not amused. "It's our stuff. It's all ours." He didn't really care about who got what anyway. Maybe Chandler would have a game room in his and Janice's place, so Joey could come over all the time and play foosball or darts with him.  
  
"Hey, speaking of moving, Joey, do you think you can convince Chandler to switch the apartments back?"  
  
"Yeah!" Rachel agreed.  
  
Joey shrugged. "Maybe, but I don't know how to argue with his book stuff."  
  
"Oh, he's just being stubborn about that. Talk Janice into helping you. He wouldn't fight both of you, I bet."  
  
"Um, okay." Joey wondered what it would feel like, him teaming up with Janice on an issue. He hoped it wouldn't be anything like Joey and Janice's Day of Fun. He was tolerating her fairly well now, but then again, she began singing pretty loudly with Phoebe today, and that had annoyed him. Joey also thought that he would still get jealous whenever she cooked with Chandler or talked about art and books again, so he wasn't sure if he could like her completely.  
  
***  
  
Janice, Chandler, and Phoebe resumed their threesome until they exhausted themselves again. Then they all said goodnight and went to sleep, but as Chandler lay in bed between Janice and Phoebe, he had another erotic dream...  
  
Despite their locked doors, Joey somehow came into the bedroom and got very mad when he discovered the three of them together. "Chandler!" he spoke accusingly. "You had a threesome, and you didn't tell me about it! I'm your best friend!"  
  
Chandler gasped and sat up, hushing Joey so that he wouldn't wake up the women. "I'm sorry. I-I wanted to tell you, but they made me promise not to!"  
  
Joey still looked deeply hurt, "This is why you got me out of the apartment, huh? You don't trust me. You said I was your best friend!"  
  
"You are, Joe. Of course I trust you. I'm so sorry. How, how can I make it up to you?"  
  
"Let me join you." No longer pouting, Joey suddenly and decisively started crawling onto the bed.  
  
Chandler was shocked and confused. "Joe? What are you--?"  
  
Joey just pulled him close and kissed his mouth. It was a hot, passionate kiss, like Phoebe had often given to Janice. Chandler was so turned on that he didn't push Joey away, nor ask why he was doing this. Chandler just kissed him back and helped Joey start stripping off his clothes...  
  
"Joey... Joe..." Chandler kept moaning his roommate's name in his sleep, and he restlessly shifted in bed as he dreamed of them doing naughty things to each other.  
  
Janice woke up from all the noise and found Chandler dreaming beside her. Surprised and fascinated, she lay there listening to him and watching him in the throes of some erotic fantasy. With this dream, and Chandler's own confession about his dream with the strippers, Janice found herself reevaluating her earlier assessment that a dream didn't have to mean anything. Maybe this dream did mean something.  
  
She remembered how she had caught Joey and Chandler in some intensely emotional moment today, and how, when she and Chandler joked about moving in together, Chandler had said that he couldn't leave Joey. He also said he couldn't quit his job because he was supporting Joey and the birds, almost in the tone of a man with a family to look after. Janice also recalled how, last time, Chandler had often wanted Joey to come along with them on dates, instead of regarding Joey as an inconvenient third wheel. As far as she could tell, the guys had always been close and affectionate, and their bond seemed unusually strong, even among their close-knit circle of six friends.  
  
Janice considered that perhaps Chandler was bisexual after all, and he subconsciously longed to get closer to Joey. He was certainly aroused while thinking of Joey now, and he even sighed "I love you" with a frankness unknown to him in his waking hours. It had taken a long time for Chandler to admit that he loved Janice, after all.  
  
Janice wasn't at all upset or jealous, for she knew that Chandler was her soulmate, and they were forever. Indeed, he had already been quite permissive and tolerant of Phoebe's tendency to cling to Janice this weekend; Janice had feared that Chandler would object about Phoebe's favoritism, but he took it all very well indeed. So Janice decided that in return, she should help Chandler admit to and explore his own desires too. She just had to be sure that Joey felt the same way about Chandler, though.  
  
***  
  
On Monica's couch, not far from where Ruthie was sleeping on the loveseat, Joey lay awake thinking about Chandler and Janice again. Would they really get married someday? Would Janice be the one that Chandler would finally, actually commit to? Would Joey be able to stand it and be happy for him?  
  
Shifting restlessly under the covers, Joey remembered how upset Chandler was after Janice left him the last time. First he kept singing sappy Lionel Richie songs with Phoebe, then he wanted to wear his bathrobe and eat peanut clusters all day, then he wanted to start drinking in the mornings. Even when Chandler seemed to be over her months later, just the sight of Janice with Gary at Rockefeller Park had made Chandler drink himself stupid and behave badly at Joey's birthday party. That wasn't the worst night, though. No, the worst night was right after Janice had returned to Gary:  
  
Just days before Thanksgiving, Joey had a hot date in his bedroom, but when he reached into his nightstand for condoms, he discovered that he was all out. She didn't have any in her purse either, so Joey put on a robe and went to borrow some from Chandler.  
  
When Joey entered the darkened room, Chandler groaned and quickly pulled the bedcovers over his head.  
  
"Sorry," Joey said as he approached the nightstand. "I'll only be a sec. I just need some condoms." He reached inside and discovered that there were plenty in the drawer. "Oh good! You got a twelve-pack. Can a have a few?" He started to tear three off, then reconsidered and decided that he would try for four times with his date.  
  
Chandler spoke miserably, "Take all of them, if you want. I bought them for me and Janice, but now she's gone, and I don't need them anymore."  
  
"Oh." Joey frowned and felt guilty now, belatedly remembering that Chandler had told him about this twelve-pack before; he complained that he couldn't return them because Janice had choked on the receipt. "I'm sorry, man. I forgot." He sat on the bed and reached over to pat Chandler on the shoulder.  
  
Chandler moaned pathetically, "I'm gonna die alone."  
  
"No, you're not!" Joey pulled the blanket out of the way and intended to hug Chandler, but then he stopped, looking quite shocked at what he found.  
  
Chandler was crying and miserably clutching the shoe that Janice had left behind after their breakup in Central Perk.  
  
"Chandler! You've gotta throw that thing away." Joey tried to take the shoe from him, but Chandler stubbornly held on tight.  
  
"No! No, it's all I have left of her, Joe. Maybe if I keep this shoe, then she'll come back someday for it. Like, like Cinderella, you know?"  
  
Joey stared at him with pity and horror. Grief had clearly made Chandler lose his mind.  
  
"Why'd she have to go?" Chandler sobbed. "Why did she have to leave me now, of all times? We, we didn't even make it to Thanksgiving, and I thought I was finally gonna have a happy Thanksgiving with her."  
  
Joey insisted, "Nah, you don't need her, Chandler. You'll have a great Thanksgiving without her."  
  
"No I won't! You don't get it, Joe. You and everybody else have families to go home to for Thanksgiving, but I don't. I'll just be sitting here eating my grilled cheese sandwiches and Funyuns again, like last year."  
  
Joey shook his head. "You don't have to be alone for Thanksgiving! It's not too late. Come on, you wanna come with me to my parents' house again? Or if it's too crowded, I'm sure Monica and Ross would invite you over again."  
  
Chandler turned away and pouted. "No, I'm sick of being some pathetic tag-along at somebody else's holiday, with somebody else's family."  
  
"You're not--"  
  
Joey was interrupted by his hot date suddenly calling out from the other room. "Joey! What's taking you so long?"  
  
"I'll be right there!" he replied to her. Then he took Chandler's hand and continued reassuring him. "Come on, it won't be like that. We love having you with us. We love you." He hugged Chandler close and wondered not for the first time why Chandler's mom or dad never invited him over for holidays. They were divorced from each other, yes, but surely they still loved their son? Nora had certainly seemed friendly enough when she visited, but Chandler always said, "It would only bring back bad memories." Not that the memories didn't return anyway.  
  
Chandler still clung to Janice's shoe. "I just--I just wish it could be like that Thanksgiving a couple of years ago, you know? When Underdog got away. Remember when everybody had to stay and we all had dinner at Monica's?"  
  
Joey shrugged. "Yeah, that was okay, after we all stopped fighting about the burnt food."  
  
"Fighting was part of it, Joe. We felt like a family, almost. I know it sucked for you guys, but it was, it was the only decent Thanksgiving I've had since I was just a kid."  
  
"What?" Joey was shocked. "But didn't you have some good ones with Ross in college?"  
  
Chandler shook his head. "No, 'cause the first one, Ross was still mooning over Rachel and we didn't go out and use our fake IDs like he promised we would; then the next time, Monica cut off my toe, and that ruined the whole year. That was the last time I went to a Geller Thanksgiving! I mean, sometimes I came along when Ross was having Thanksgiving with Carol's folks, but that just reminded me how I didn't have a girlfriend."  
  
"Oh." Joey understood now. "Then you started having those Thanksgivings alone or with Kip's folks?"  
  
"Yeah," Chandler said. "Or your folks, or Phoebe's, or whosever turn it was to bring me along that year." He sighed sadly. "It's just, when we were all here, the six of us, it was different. It was good. You guys couldn't be with your families either, so I wasn't the only one depressed. We just watched the parade and ate my sandwiches and joked about your VD poster. And I told my Thanksgiving story to Rachel, she told us all about skiing in Vail, and Phoebe talked about her grandma's lunar boyfriend. We even saw Ugly Naked Guy dancing with Ugly Naked Girl. If *he* could get a girl, surely I could, right?"  
  
"Yeah, of course. You'll find someone."  
  
That didn't cheer up Chandler at all. "I already found someone: Janice." He choked up again. "And she left me." He started crying once more and muttered about dying alone.  
  
"Chandler!" Joey was exasperated and didn't know how to comfort him. Why did Chandler have to keep clinging to the memory of Janice? Then Joey got an idea. "Hey, um, how about--how about this Thanksgiving, we all stick around again? We could stay here, like we did before."  
  
"What?" Chandler turned around and didn't quite believe him.  
  
Joey nodded. "Sure. We could--"  
  
"Joey!" the woman called out again.  
  
"In a minute!" Joey yelled back, getting irritated. "Uh, where was I? Oh, right. Look, I could stay here, you know? My parents always have trouble making room for the whole family for the holidays, what with cousins, uncles, aunts, and everybody. So maybe I could just tell my folks that I'll drop by there on like Friday or Saturday instead, when it's less crowded. I could talk Phoebe into doing that too, especially since her grandma lives in town. And Rachel, you know, her family isn't going to do their annual skiing trip, ever since her parents got divorced. And I bet Monica and Ross would stay and have Thanksgiving with us too, since their parents aren't into hosting big Thanksgiving dinners anymore. We could work it out."  
  
Chandler was touched and surprised by this suggestion. "Really? You wouldn't mind it?"  
  
"Nah, it's good. We could all have fun again, like you said."  
  
Chandler smiled, but then reconsidered and felt guilty. "No, but--but it's selfish of me to make you all stay, just so I won't be alone again."  
  
"No, it's not just for you, Chandler. Rachel's gonna be depressed too, and Monica's always upset whenever she comes back from hearing her mom rave about Ross and criticize her. They'd all have a crappy Thanksgiving anyway. This way, we can be together, you know? We just, um, have to not bug Monica about making three kinds of potatoes and stuff."  
  
"Yeah," Chandler nodded. "And I'll make my own grilled cheese sandwiches too." He sat up and hugged Joey gratefully. "Thanks, Joe."  
  
Joey smiled and started to say, "You're welcome," but his date called out again. "All right, already!" he snapped at her. With one last hug, Joey got up and left Chandler's room with the twelve-pack of condoms.  
  
So that was how the gang decided to always have Thanksgiving together, not just Christmas and other holidays. Sometimes it got a little crazy, especially with Ross and Monica's childish competition at football, but in general, the group did enjoy being together like a surrogate family.  
  
After Joey let Chandler out of the box this past Thanksgiving, he caught up with Kathy on the street, and kissed her for a long time. Then he invited her back to Monica's apartment so she could call her mother and say that she wasn't going to Chicago after all. Everyone was happy for the couple, and Chandler had remained grateful to Joey that entire night. "This is the best Thanksgiving ever! You forgive me, and Kathy's here too. Could this night *get* any better?" he laughed with uncharacteristic giddiness. "Oh, and you're really my secret Santa, Joe? This is the best gift you ever gave me! The best!" They hugged again.  
  
Joey had enjoyed seeing Chandler so happy for once, and he hoped that he would remain that way for many holidays to come. Unfortunately, Chandler and Kathy eventually broke up, and Joey feared that things would take a turn for the worse again. Joey had never expected Janice to return, but now that she had, Chandler insisted that they were soulmates and would be together forever. Perhaps that was a good thing, considering how devastated Chandler had been without her.  
  
With a sigh, Joey decided to just deal with his dislike of Janice and be happy for Chandler. He should look on the bright side, after all. If they really got married, then he could throw Chandler a bachelor party. 


	19. Cooking Naked

The next morning, Phoebe woke up with immediate nausea, so Janice and Chandler had to get her a bucket and hurriedly feed her some crackers. The remedy didn't work this time, though, and the bucket was quickly filling up, so they helped her to the bathroom and held back her hair as she kept vomiting into the toilet bowl.  
  
Chandler was in the kitchen boiling water when the phone rang. "Hello."  
  
It was Joey. "Hey! So you are awake. I was using the baby monitor again, but nobody answered."  
  
Chandler blushed as he suddenly remembered that he had a new, detailed dream about Joey last night. There had been kissing and groping, not to mention nakedness. Oh God. They didn't say they loved each other, did they?  
  
"Chandler?" Joey wondered why his friend had gone so silent.  
  
Trying to push his panic aside, Chandler stammered and tried to think, "Oh, uh, we, we weren't in the bedroom anymore, Joe. We're, uh, we're making breakfast."  
  
"Oh, you are? Are you making pancakes? Can we come over?"  
  
"Uh, um, not right now, Joe. We're--we're not dressed yet."  
  
Now Joey sounded uncomfortable. "You're cooking naked?"  
  
Chandler floundered. "Uh, sure. You do it, don't you, and we wanted to try it too." He gulped and found himself picturing Joey cooking naked. Damn it! Why didn't he just say that they only had their robes on, which was true?  
  
Joey asked with concern, "But don't the pancakes splatter?"  
  
Chandler shrugged. "Well, um, we have aprons?" he guessed, not sounding very convincing.  
  
"You do?"  
  
When would this nightmare conversation end? As Chandler struggled for some excuse, the tea kettle whistled, and Chandler said, "Uh, I gotta go now, Joe. Bye." He hung up and started hyperventilating.  
  
Janice called from the bathroom, "Chandler, the kettle's boiling already!"  
  
"Oh, right!" Chandler moved the kettle off the burner to keep it from boiling over. "I, uh, I'll make the tea now." He grabbed a packet of ginger tea and tore it open.  
  
Janice asked, "Was that Joey on the phone?"  
  
"Uh, yeah. He wanted to come over for breakfast, and I somehow ended up telling him that we were making pancakes naked."  
  
She laughed. "You did?"  
  
"Yeah, uh, I don't know. I was nervous and I couldn't say that Phoebe was having morning sickness."  
  
"Well then I guess after you make the tea, you'll have to make some pancakes. But leave your robe on, though." She chuckled again.  
  
"Yeah, I will. Should we, um, should we even invite him over? Maybe you could just go over there and see Ruthie. I could stay here and take care of Phoebe."  
  
"Maybe, but I think Joey might feel that we were unfairly denying him pancakes."  
  
"You could take a plate with you after I make them."  
  
"No, how about this? We tell all of them that Phoebe never back went home last night. She stayed here with us to keep the birds busy while you and me were in bed. Then she slept in Joey's bedroom."  
  
"Really? You wanna say that?"  
  
"Yeah, I don't know how long Phoebe's gonna be sick this morning, and we can't hide her like this. Just explain that she stayed with us, but don't mention us having a threesome. Then we can invite everybody over for breakfast and still be here for Phoebe."  
  
Chandler didn't like that idea, because he really didn't want to see Joey right now. But he didn't argue, just bringing Phoebe a cup of hot tea. "Uh, here. I hope this helps."  
  
"Thank you," Janice said, and helped Phoebe sip it. "Now you go get started on making pancakes."  
  
"Okay." So Chandler returned to the kitchen and got out the pancake mix.  
  
***  
  
Chandler made a lot of pancakes and tried to keep his mind off Joey and his erotic dream. Joey, however, was attracted by the tempting smell of pancakes, and he knocked at the apartment door. "Please, can I have some?"  
  
Chandler got nervous again. He asked, "Aren't you supposed to be watching Ruthie?"  
  
"Monica and Rachel are giving her breakfast now, and they don't have any pancake mix. Can I have some pancakes please?"  
  
"It doesn't bother you that we made them naked?"  
  
Joey hesitated. "You were really serious about cooking naked? Even with no curtains on the windows?"  
  
Chandler tried to bluff that he did cook naked, but Janice emerged from the bathroom and interrupted him with a laugh. "No, Joey, he was just kidding you! Here, you can come inside." She unlocked the door and let him in.  
  
Joey looked at Chandler with annoyance. "Monica and Rachel told me you had to be kidding! You don't cook naked. I do!"  
  
Janice laughed and put a generous stack of pancakes before Joey, along with a bottle of syrup. She explained that the real reason they hadn't invited Joey over before was that they were busy taking care of Phoebe's morning sickness.  
  
"Phoebe's here?" Joey glanced at the clock. "This early?"  
  
Janice nodded and told him her story about Phoebe staying the night in Joey's bedroom. "You don't mind it, do you? Chandler was afraid that you might be mad about him not asking your permission."  
  
Joey shook his head, not sure why Chandler would think that. "No, it's okay. Is Phoebe all right?"  
  
"For now. Chandler, I need some more tea." She brought her cup to the kettle for a refill. "Oh, and can you go ask Monica and Rachel to bring Ruthie over now?"  
  
"Uh, why don't I take that instead?" Chandler took the refilled cup from her. "Then you can go get Ruthie and hang out with her. I'll take care of Phoebe." He went into the bathroom to join Phoebe and get away from Joey.  
  
"Oh. Thank you, honey." Janice shrugged and went across the hall.  
  
Joey kept eating his pancakes, but wondered with guilt whether he should join Chandler in the bathroom and make sure that Phoebe was all right.  
  
But before he could decide, Janice returned with Monica, Rachel, and Ruthie. Janice sat Ruthie at one of the low sidetables and asked her if she wanted some pancakes. Ruthie said yes, so Janice put a pancake on a plate and cut it up into small pieces for her daughter.  
  
Meanwhile, Monica and Rachel went into the bathroom to check on Phoebe, but Chandler said the bathroom was too crowded and shooed them out. "And get us some more tea." He handed the empty cup to Monica.  
  
So Monica and Rachel returned to the kitchen, and Rachel sat down and ate pancakes with Joey while Monica refilled the cup and brought the tea back to Phoebe and Chandler.  
  
So Chandler managed to avoid Joey for a while, until Janice insisted that Chandler let Monica take over in the bathroom. "Take a break, honey. You haven't had breakfast yet, and if you don't soon, Joey's going to eat it all."  
  
"Hey, Rachel ate some!" Joey protested in his defense. "And you and Ruthie did too."  
  
"Yes, I know," Janice said. "I was just joking."  
  
"Oh. I'm sorry."  
  
Monica kicked Chandler out of the bathroom, and he was forced to return to the kitchen.  
  
Joey invited him to sit on the stool next to him. "Come on, eat. There's still plenty of pancakes."  
  
Chandler remained standing and bluffed, "I'm--I'm not hungry now. After seeing Phoebe throw up like that..."  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry." Joey put an arm around him. "How about you watch some TV with me until you get your appetite back?" He made Chandler sit down next to him, then turned on the TV with the remote.  
  
Chandler got very pale and nervous, sitting next to Joey.  
  
"You okay?" Joey asked him. "Are you sick?"  
  
Chandler nodded and said quietly, "Yeah. I need to go lie down." He got off the stool and headed to his bedroom.  
  
Joey followed him. "You need anything? Pepto-Bismol? Aspirin?"  
  
"No, I just want to lie down." Chandler anxiously pushed Joey away from him, then went into his bedroom and locked the door.  
  
Joey was confused and hurt.  
  
Janice started to suspect that something was wrong. "Joey, can you come watch Ruthie for me? I'm gonna go check on Chandler."  
  
Joey shrugged and wordlessly sat with Ruthie. He also called the birds near and decided to give them their breakfast too.  
  
Janice went to the door and knocked. "Chandler? Chandler, honey, let me in. I'm worried about you."  
  
After a hesitation, Chandler unlocked the door and let Janice inside, but he shut it quickly after her.  
  
"Are you all right?" she asked softly in the darkness.  
  
He had turned out the lights and was clearly very upset. After locking the door again, he spoke hesitantly, "Janice, I-I, um..."  
  
"What, honey?" She hugged him close and led him to his bed.  
  
He broke down and shivered, whispering, "I had this, this dream last night. You know, like with the strippers, and that, that guy who--"  
  
"I know," she said and rubbed his arm soothingly.  
  
"What?"  
  
"You were talking in your sleep, honey. You were saying Joey's name."  
  
He looked at her with wide, terrified eyes. "I was--? Oh my God!"  
  
"It's okay, honey. Shh."  
  
"Okay?!" He moaned and turned away from her. "Oh God! Did Phoebe hear me too?"  
  
"No, she stayed asleep, but I don't think she would have been that shocked."  
  
Chandler couldn't understand her calmness. He was freaking out. "I-I don't know why I dreamed that. I love you, Janice. I'm not gay! I can't be! Oh God!"  
  
"I know you love me. I love you too, Chandler. We're soulmates remember?"  
  
That comforted him a little, but he remained anxious about his dream. "Why did I dream that? How do I make it stop?"  
  
"Maybe you shouldn't try to make it stop," Janice suggested. "I think you might be bi."  
  
"What?!" He couldn't believe she'd say that. "No! No, I'm not gay! I love you. I love you, Janice." He hugged her and clung to her arms.  
  
"I know," she repeated. "I didn't say you were gay. I said you were bi, honey. It's perfectly possible for you to be in love with me and yet have feelings for Joey too. Don't be scared, Chandler, please."  
  
He remained in denial. "No, no! I don't have feelings for Joey. No, it's just a dream. It doesn't mean anything. I-I have to find a shrink or somebody to cure me, to make the dreams go away."  
  
"No, Chandler--" she began, but then realized something. "Dreams? You've had more than one dream about Joey?"  
  
Chandler blushed and backtracked. "No! No, it was just last night, and that dream about the strippers. That's all."  
  
"No!" Janice put the pieces together. "You told me that you had the stripper dream on the same night that you went to the strip club with the girls. That was over a week ago, before we met again at the nail salon. But when you called me at work recently, you were really scared, as if you'd just had a dream that very night. You had a dream about Joey then, didn't you?"  
  
"No, I didn't! I-I just had a recurring nightmare about the strippers and that smoking guy. It wasn't about Joey."  
  
"It was!" Janice said. "Don't deny it, honey. I don't mind. I just want to help you."  
  
"Yes, help me!" He pulled her close and kissed her. "Fix me, Janice, please! Fix me!" He kept kissing her urgently and tried to untie their robes.  
  
"No, Chandler!" She pulled away from him. "Stop it! No, that won't help."  
  
Chandler looked stricken. "Why not? Don't you still love me?"  
  
"Of course I do." She kissed him reassuringly. "But us having sex won't cure you of your dreams. We've been having threesome sex all weekend, you know, and you still had that dream about Joey last night."  
  
Chandler frowned in despair and frustration. "You're right. It didn't work. I-I don't know what's wrong with me! What do I do, Janice? What do I do?"  
  
"Oh, honey!" She hugged him close and kissed him. "Nothing's wrong, sweetie. Please listen to me. Everything's all right. Think of it this way: I love you with all my heart and soul, and I'll never leave you again. I promise you that. But I'm still very fond of Phoebe too and I'm attracted to her. You don't mind us having fun together, right? That's just what this is. You love me too, but you had those dreams about Joey because you feel about him the way that I feel about Phoebe. It doesn't change anything between us, Chandler, and there's nothing to be scared of."  
  
He didn't know if he wanted to believe her, though. "But-but he's my best friend, Janice. I-I shouldn't be dreaming about him and thinking about him naked. It's wrong!"  
  
"Why? Phoebe's your close friend too, and you've had sex with her. You didn't think there was anything wrong about that."  
  
"But it's not the same. I'm not as close to Phoebe, and she's a girl, and it was just part of the threesome, no different than if you got some other girl for us."  
  
"Yes, but will you ever look at her quite the same, Chandler? Won't your friendship be different now that you've seen each other naked and done stuff together?"  
  
Chandler thought about it and shrugged. "I don't know. When we were having sex without you yesterday, she said that she always thought I was kind of goofy and unsexy before, but you told her how good I was in bed, so she decided to give me a chance and not just do lesbian stuff with you. And now that we've all had sex together, she learned how right you were about me, and she wants to tell all the girls that I'm a hot stud like Joey."  
  
Janice smiled and was shocked. "But I thought she wanted this to stay a secret."  
  
"Oh, she was just kidding about that part," Chandler said. "But she said I was hot, and she would give me more respect from now on and not let everybody make jokes about what a loser I am."   
  
"Well that's good!" Janice said with a laugh. "You know, honey, if you wanted to, we could have Phoebe say that when she spent the night in Joey's room, she heard us doing it all night, and she was very impressed."  
  
Chandler liked the sound of that. "Really?"  
  
"Sure." She kissed him. "Now about Joey--"  
  
Chandler grew uncomfortable again and didn't want to talk about Joey anymore.  
  
Janice tried to tell him that he shouldn't be so scared about his dreams. "And maybe if Joey wants you too, you guys could experiment together."  
  
"What?!" He thought she was crazy. "No, Joey's not gay."  
  
"Well, he could be bi--"  
  
"No! No, I've been sleeping next door to him for years, Janice. Trust me, he only likes girls."  
  
"But--"  
  
"No!" He got up from the bed and started to put on some clothes.  
  
"Chandler!"  
  
"No, stop it! I don't want to talk about it." He tossed his robe aside, unlocked the door, then began to storm out of the apartment.  
  
Joey and the others started to ask him what was wrong, but Chandler avoided their eyes and said that he had to use the bathroom across the hall, since Phoebe was using theirs. Then he just hurried out the door.  
  
Janice sighed and went after him. 


	20. Backing Off

When Janice got to the other apartment, she found the door locked. She wrung her hands and called to her boyfriend plaintively. "Sweetie? Bing-a-ling?"  
  
Chandler answered from the other side, "I-I don't wanna talk about it anymore. Please!"  
  
"All right, I'll stop. I'm sorry."  
  
"Really? You promise?"  
  
She nodded and hoped that Chandler could see her remorse and sincerity through the peephole. "Yes, I promise." There was no point in arguing with him now. Janice always had to know when to back off with Chandler because he was liable to do anything when he was panicky and upset. After all, he once appeared at her supermarket, inexplicably talked British to her, and ended up throwing a bag of barley at her before running off. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you, honey. I love you so much."  
  
He believed her and sounded calmer now. "I know." After a moment, he unlocked the door and opened it, whispering, "I love you too."  
  
"Oh, Bing-a-ling!" She came inside and threw her arms around him.  
  
"Janice!" They hugged each other tightly, and Chandler kissed her, not wanting to let her go, ever. He sighed and smelled her hair. Next to that scent, only the smell of cigarettes was more comforting to him.  
  
"Listen," she caressed his cheek, "it's gonna be okay, sweetie. Just come back and have breakfast with us."  
  
He pulled away anxiously. "No, I-I don't wanna see Joey right now."  
  
She squeezed his hand. "But you can't just stay here, honey. Everyone will wonder what's wrong, or Joey will think you're sick and come after you again."  
  
"But I can't! I just can't!" He got very upset and looked around for somewhere to hide. He even considered leaving the building entirely and finding a store that sold cigarettes.  
  
"Oh, honey-bunny!" She hugged and kissed him again, rubbing his arm soothingly. "Maybe, um, I can keep him busy somehow? Or you can go lie down in your room, and I'll bring you a breakfast tray. Please just come back."  
  
"All--all right." He reluctantly shrugged. "But I'm not hungry now."  
  
"Okay. Maybe later, then."  
  
He nodded and let her lead him back across the hall.  
  
When they returned, Joey soon approached them and asked, "You okay, Chandler?"  
  
Chandler shied away and looked to Janice desperately.  
  
She waved Joey away and said quickly, "It's okay, it's okay. He was just feeling a little, um, queasy, and had to get to the bathroom in a hurry."  
  
"Yeah," Chandler murmured, keeping his eyes fixed on the floor. "I'm gonna go back to bed now." He headed to his room again.  
  
Joey remained concerned. "You sure you're all right now? Maybe I should get you a bucket in case you have to hurl again."  
  
"No, no, Chandler doesn't want to make a fuss," Janice answered. "Besides, it's Phoebe we should all be worrying about now. Remember?"  
  
"But--"  
  
"Joey, can you just watch Ruthie please while I get Chandler settled? Thank you." She ushered Chandler back to his bedroom, not letting Joey get close to them.  
  
Soon Chandler locked himself inside again, so Janice came back and checked on her toddler, who was still playing with the chick and the duck while Rachel watched.  
  
Joey pouted and resented not being allowed near Chandler. What, did Janice think that he'd be incompetent at taking care of his own roommate? Then why did she trust him to take care of her daughter, huh? Besides, Joey could remember many times when Chandler would get drunk and throw up a lot; once, he even fell asleep with his head in the toilet, and Joey had helped him to bed.  
  
Janice noticed Joey staring at Chandler's bedroom door, so she spoke reassuringly, "It's nothing serious, Joey. He just needs a little nap, that's all. Uh, how is Phoebe doing, by the way?" When Joey just shrugged, Janice called out, "Monica?"  
  
Monica called from the bathroom that Phoebe needed more tea, and some pillows to rest her aching knees on.  
  
"Oh, poor thing!" Janice got up to help, and Rachel followed her with some pillows.  
  
While all the women hovered in or near the bathroom, Joey remained in the living room, trying to pay attention to Ruthie and not worry about Chandler. Sure, he knew that an ailing pregnant woman should be the first priority, and a hyper toddler like Ruthie shouldn't be left alone to wreak havoc on the birds or the apartment, but a nagging part of Joey cared more about Chandler really. He wondered why Chandler couldn't just lie down on the living room couch where everyone could keep an eye on him. At least that way, Joey could still sort of hang out with him.  
  
Joey sighed and hoped that Chandler would return from his nap soon. He still didn't know why Chandler had locked the door, nor why he had bothered to get dressed at all, if he was in such a rush for the bathroom.  
  
***  
  
In his room, Chandler sat on his bed and remained apprehensive about his erotic dreams about Joey. Why couldn't Janice have just said, "It doesn't mean anything" again? Why did she have to draw that analogy between Joey and Phoebe? Even if Chandler could somehow reconcile himself to the idea of being bisexual, he was quite certain that Joey was completely straight. Besides, he and Joey were best friends and roommates, and he shouldn't jeopardize that relationship by wanting something more intimate. He didn't want to scare Joey away or make him uncomfortable; he just wanted the sex dreams to stop and for everything to return to normal again. If only he knew how to do that.  
  
While Chandler brooded on all this, he could still hear Joey's voice from the living room, and he found himself listening to it. Joey was playing some game with Ruthie and the birds, and it reminded Chandler of how Joey sometimes babysat for his nieces and nephews. The seven Tribbiani sisters had all designated Joey the godfather of their many children.  
  
"Hey, shh!" Joey warned Ruthie, who was giggling and squealing excitedly. "Chandler's taking a nap in there. Come on, you wanna another pancake? Huh?"  
  
Chandler could picture the both of them getting syrup all over themselves and possibly the birds too. Joey was such a natural with kids, that it was easy to picture him being a great father one day, if only he could settle down with some woman first.  
  
How ironic that Chandler was the one dating a single mother, when it was Joey who knew all about children. With a sigh, Chandler collapsed against the bed and realized the irony that he finally had Janice back for good, and yet somehow this happiness wasn't enough to make him stop wanting more. Why did he always want what he didn't have? With that Aurora woman with the open marriage, things had gone fine until Chandler had decided that he wanted monogamy. Now that he had his soulmate Janice, he found himself wanting Joey too. Chandler groaned and pulled the covers over himself, feeling guilty and miserable.  
  
***  
  
After another half an hour, Monica had to leave to get dressed for work; she was taking an earlier shift at the restaurant today, in order to free up the evening, so that she could double date with Rachel tonight.  
  
Not long after Monica's departure, Janice asked Rachel and Joey to take Ruthie back across the hall, where they could get her all cleaned up from the syrup and let her play with her toys again.  
  
Joey hesitated. "You sure you can handle Phoebe by yourself?"  
  
Janice nodded. "Yeah, I think she's been through the worst of it now, and I'm going to go wake up Chandler in a minute. I'll see you guys at lunch time, okay?"  
  
Joey was disappointed that Chandler still hadn't come out of his room yet, and he glanced at Janice resentfully as she ushered them to the door.  
  
Janice certainly didn't mean to be so dismissive of Joey, but she knew that Chandler couldn't handle seeing him right now. "Please," she said, putting a hand on his arm. "He'll see you later." At least, she hoped so.  
  
Joey grunted and departed with Rachel and Ruthie. Janice sighed and closed the door after them. She wondered whether Joey's concern and jealousy about Chandler indicated deeper feelings, or whether Chandler was right to insist that Joey was straight.  
  
Just then, Chandler peeked his head out of his bedroom. "Did you lock the door yet?"   
  
She turned to him. "Yes, honey."  
  
So Chandler finally emerged, still looking rather haggard and distressed.  
  
"Oh!" Janice rushed over and kissed him sympathetically. "You all right, Bing-a-ling?"  
  
Chandler just shrugged and didn't meet her eyes. He asked quietly, "Is Phoebe okay?"  
  
"Yeah, she's doing much better now. Wanna help me move her from the bathroom?"  
  
"Sure. Uh, but--" he whispered, "--but don't tell her about my dreams or anything."  
  
She nodded. "Okay, I promise."  
  
Going to the bathroom, they helped Phoebe to slowly get up from the toilet and rinse out her mouth in the sink. Then Janice led Phoebe to the living room, with Chandler following behind with the pillows.  
  
Phoebe's stomach had finally settled, but she felt drained and rather tired. "Ugh! Now I know why pregnant ladies have that special glow. It's from throwing up all morning."  
  
"Oh, poor thing!" Janice patted her arm. "I'm sorry the crackers and tea didn't help much this morning. Maybe you shouldn't have had that pizza last night."  
  
"Maybe. It's just so hard to find anything to eat lately that doesn't make me nauseous!"  
  
They gingerly set Phoebe down on the living room couch and put the pillows around her. The chick and the duck gathered around her curiously, and Janice rubbed her shouldlers.  
  
Chandler's stomach rumbled. "Sorry. I haven't had breakfast yet."  
  
"Oh!" Janice said. "We still have some pancakes. Do you want some?"  
  
"No." He went to the kitchen and poured himself some cereal and milk instead. Pulling up a stool, he ate at the foosball table, but found himself staring at the jars of jam on the kitchen counter. There was no way to stop thinking about Joey, it seemed.  
  
Phoebe didn't feel like eating anything right now, so Janice got her a glass of water and gave her the TV remote. "Would it help if I massage you a little bit?" she offered.  
  
While Janice tended to Phoebe, she wished that helping out Chandler could be as simple. She didn't know how to comfort him now, and whether it would be wise in the future to bring up the subject of Joey again. She wished that she could tell Phoebe about it, but she had already promised Chandler to keep that between them. Maybe he just needed some time to calm down.  
  
Phoebe asked, "So, like, now that you guys told everybody that I stayed here last night, will it be okay if I stay tonight too?" She frowned. "Or would you rather I go home anyway, in case I get all nauseous again? I don't wanna ruin the rest of your weekend."  
  
"Oh, honey!" Janice soothed her. "You're welcome to stay here and see how you feel tonight. You don't have to do anything if you're not up to it. Besides, you can go hang out with everybody across the hall, if you'd like."  
  
"I guess so. And I am feeling a little better now."  
  
"Good."  
  
"Hey, what's the matter with Chandler over there?" Phoebe noticed him staring intently into his cereal bowl now. "Why's he so quiet?"  
  
"Oh, um," Janice made an excuse, "well, he felt a little queasy after seeing you so sick. I mean, I know it's not as awful as what you went through this morning, but he had to go lie down a while."  
  
"Really? Hmm, I guess I'm not surprised that he's squeamish. He was grossed out by both breastfeeding and tasting Carol's breastmilk."  
  
"But, Phoebe, didn't you say you had more respect for him now?"  
  
"Oh, he told you about that, huh?" She smiled a little at the memory of her solo session with Chandler. "Well, I do think he's a lot sexier now, and he can't be such a loser if he has you. He's got great taste!"  
  
Janice kissed her fondly. "Oh, thank you sweetie. You know, since we told everybody that you stayed in Joey's room last night, we were thinking you could also tell them that you heard us having sex all night and were very impressed by Chandler's performance."  
  
Phoebe giggled, "Yeah, I suppose that will boost his reputation with everybody. We shouldn't really be so hard on him, given that he does satisfy some women just fine. I guess it's just the contrast with Joey's confidence and frequent dates, you know."  
  
"Yes, but Chandler is really wonderful when someone gives him a chance, and I love him so much that I'm never gonna let him get away from me again."  
  
"Aw, that's sweet. I sometimes wish I could settle down with someone too, but everybody I really want leaves me. Like my ex-husband Duncan, and Ryan my submarine guy, and David my scientist guy." She sighed sadly. "David. I thought he said he'd be gone for three years, but I still haven't heard from him yet. Maybe he met someone in Minsk and he's moved on already."  
  
"Oh, honey!" Janice hugged her sweetly. "I'm sure you have a soulmate somewhere, and if you ever get lonely waiting for him or her, you'll always have us to come to."  
  
"Thank you," Phoebe hugged her and lay her head against Janice's shoulder.  
  
After a while, Phoebe regained her appetite, so Janice made her a late breakfast. She offered both cereal and pancakes, letting Phoebe try both to see which made her the least nauseous. While Phoebe ate and watched TV with the birds, Janice went to check on Chandler, who had returned to his bedroom a while ago.  
  
"Bing-a-ling, are you okay?" She closed the door behind her, then hugged him as he lay on the bed.  
  
He frowned and said, "I gotta stop thinking about him. If I could just stop..."  
  
She sighed and kissed him comfortingly. "Will you be able to see him today? Like at lunch and dinner? I wouldn't ask you to see him, but he looked really upset when I wouldn't let him see you. He misses you a lot, I think, and he doesn't like being locked out."  
  
"I know." Chandler remembered last night after dinner, when Joey had said that he missed Chandler and hated it when Chandler bonded with Ross and others about "college junk." They had hugged so tightly that it made Chandler ache for more. "I-I miss him too," he admitted softly. "I should see him, I guess, and tell him I'm all right. But please don't leave me alone with him, Janice. Please."  
  
"I promise I won't, honey. Besides, we'll have Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel there sometimes, and Ruthie too. They'll be plenty of distractions if you need them. Just let him see you and maybe play foosball with you or something."  
  
"Okay," he said. "But after this weekend, I've gotta find a shrink or something to help me out. Maybe I'll look up that old therapist my parents sent me to during their divorce. Yeah, Dr. Meyer will know my old issues already and he'll know what to do to cure me."  
  
Janice frowned, but said nothing. She hoped that some sessions with Dr. Meyer would convince Chandler that there really was no such thing as a cure for his attraction to Joey. Maybe then they could talk it over together, and she could tell him again that it was all right with her.  
  
"Janice," Chandler turned to face her and began kissing her warmly. "I love you."  
  
"I love you too."  
  
He pulled her closer to him, and kept kissing her. Janice could tell that he really wanted reassurance, so she went along and made love to him, hoping that Phoebe would be all right until they were done.  
  
[Chandler mentioned that he was sent to a shrink in episode 211, TOW The Lesbian Wedding. But he didn't mention a name or gender for this shrink.  
  
As for Joey, I have no proof that he is the godfather, and not merely uncle, to his nieces and nephews. I just remember him saying in season 1 that he loves babies, and in season 2, TOW The Baby on the Bus, he says that he has taken care of "hundreds" of kids. Bus incident aside, I think Joey is mostly responsible and competent with children.  
  
In episode 405, TOW Joey's New Girlfriend, Joey tells Kathy about the time that Chandler got so drunk, he fell asleep with his head on the toilet. I'm assuming that even though Joey laughs about the incident, he did actually clean up Chandler and put him in bed. Also, we've already seen Chandler get awfully drunk during TOW Chandler Can't Remember Which Sister, so I'm guessing that Joey has helped Chandler out on this and similar occasions.] 


	21. Turning Up the Heat

[Okay, maybe I'm making Janice is a bit too unrealistically nice. So in the interests of keeping Janice from becoming a Mary Sue, here's some imperfection and jealousy. Also, Phoebe hasn't had a sonogram yet, so she doesn't know that she's carrying triplets.]  
  
-  
  
-  
  
Lunch was awkward. Chandler did his best not to act weird around Joey, but he couldn't help feeling skittish, as if he feared that Joey could somehow read his mind and see what naughty fantasies Chandler had about him.  
  
Joey wondered what was wrong, and he frequently tried to hug or touch Chandler in a friendly way. This caused Chandler to blush, clear his throat loudly, then say something random about sports in what he hoped was a manly voice.  
  
Joey was puzzled, but he chimed in with "The Knicks rule!" as he usually did.  
  
Fortunately, Phoebe, Rachel, and Janice were also there to provide plenty of conversation and distraction. Even at moments when Chandler's stammering became particularly incoherent, Janice managed to cover by saying that Chandler was practicing making funny noises to amuse Ruthie. Chandler was grateful, and he squeezed Janice's hand under the table to wordlessly say thank you.  
  
While they all ate, Phoebe discovered to her great dismay that she had a strong craving for meat, and she kept picking food off of the others' plates.  
  
"Phoebe! You're a vegetarian!"  
  
"I know! But the baby wants meat! Oh, I can't believe this!" She felt very conflicted and hungry as she returned to her vegetarian dish, which didn't satisfy her at all.  
  
When lunch finally ended, Joey picked up Ruthie, and he invited Phoebe to come along with them. "You don't wanna stay here, if they're going to... you know."  
  
Phoebe said, "Oh, I don't mind. I, um, I heard Janice and Chandler doing it all night. Man, are they hot together!" She gave them a thumbs up and grinned as if she was doing them a tremendous favor.  
  
Janice and Chandler blushed, and Rachel giggled at Phoebe's total lack of discretion. "What? You mean you were listening in?"  
  
"Yeah, I had to. They were louder than my grandma and her deaf boyfriend."  
  
"Oh my!" Rachel laughed even harder.  
  
"No, don't laugh. He was good! Not awkward at all. In fact--"  
  
"Phoebe," Janice interrupted her. "Please don't go into further detail. Not in front of my little girl."  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry!"  
  
Joey looked horrified and left with Ruthie.  
  
Never one to turn down gossip, Rachel tried to get more details from Phoebe, who said simply, "I was very impressed." Then Phoebe grabbed her purse and cleared her throat. "Now, um, I'm gonna, uh, go buy some soy burgers and hopefully trick the baby into thinking it's meat."  
  
"I'll go with you," Rachel volunteered, and they went downstairs together, heading for a local grocery store.  
  
Chandler and Janice looked at each other, wondering what exactly Phoebe would say about their sex life to Rachel. But they realized that, in her own bizarre way, Phoebe meant well and was just being overly enthusiastic about boosting Chandler's reputation. Besides, any conversation they had would be constrained by their being in public, so they couldn't really get explicit. Moreover, Phoebe also had to withhold and disguise certain details in order to keep the whole threesome a secret, so there was actually little need to worry.  
  
With a shrug, Chandler and Janice decided to leave the door unlocked in case Phoebe returned later, then they went to bed, where they spent another afternoon making love. They were quite sure that Joey had enough good sense not to walk in on them, especially not with Ruthie.  
  
***  
  
Later, Phoebe came back with Rachel and cooked a soy burger in the girls' apartment, but when she tasted it, she ended up getting nauseous again. "Soy burgers suck!"  
  
Joey and Rachel took turns holding back her hair while she perched over the toilet, and after she recovered, she decided to just stay with them for the rest of the afternoon.  
  
As they hung out together, Joey offered to stop eating meat for the duration of Phoebe's pregnancy. "No extra animals would die; you'd just be eating my animals."  
  
She smiled. "Joey, I can't believe you would do that for me."  
  
"Absolutely! I could be a vegetarian. There's no meat in beer, right?"  
  
"Right." Phoebe happily and immediately made herself a sandwich with lots of deli meat. Joey got jealous and regretted his rash decision, but Rachel scolded him, "You promised her! Here, have a cookie instead."  
  
While Rachel got dressed for the double date, Monica came home from the restaurant and took a shower before she hurried into her room to put on a nice dress. While she was still getting ready, their dates arrived with flowers.  
  
"Oh, thank you!" Rachel put the flowers into vases. "Monica will be out in just a minute."  
  
Geoffrey glimpsed Joey playing with Ruthie in the living room, and he commented anxiously, "You didn't mention that you have a kid."  
  
"What?" Rachel followed his glance. "Oh, no! That's just our friend Joey babysitting for another friend of ours. Joey, meet Devon and Geoffrey."  
  
Phoebe paused long enough in eating her sandwich to clear her throat.  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, this is Phoebe." Rachel patted her shoulder to make sure there were no hard feelings about being overlooked.  
  
Suddenly becoming stern, Joey began to interrogate Devon and Geoffrey in the manner of an overprotective brother or father trying to learn the intentions of suitors.  
  
Rachel hit his arm. "Joey, stop it! Never mind him, Geoff. We're all adults and nobody cares what your intentions are." She gave him a flirtatious smile, and was quite pleased to find Geoff warming up to her seduction, after all these weeks of making no progress with Joshua. Clearly, Rachel hadn't lost her touch after all.  
  
Monica finally came out of her bedroom, saying, "Sorry I'm late."  
  
"It was worth the wait," Devon said. "You look stunning."  
  
Monica was flattered, and Devon helped her put her coat on. Then they waved goodbye to Joey and Phoebe, and the four of them left on their double date together.  
  
Phoebe said, "I love the way they talk!" and tried to imitate their British accents.  
  
Joey was not so impressed. "That Geoffrey guy got all weird when he thought Ruthie was Rachel's kid. I don't like him."  
  
"That doesn't matter. She's just gonna have a fling and make Joshua jealous, you know."  
  
Joey sighed and found himself distracted by the aroma of Phoebe's sandwich. He moved closer to her and was very tempted to sneak a bite. Before he could, though, Janice came over to ask them what they all wanted for dinner.  
  
"Phoebe!" Janice gasped dramatically. "You're eating meat."  
  
"I know!" she replied. "It's just, that soy burger made me throw up again. So Joey promised that he would be a vegetarian for me so that I could eat meat for the baby."  
  
"Oh, that's nice! But you're sure about this?"  
  
"Yeah. I have to eat something, and this doesn't make me nauseous." Phoebe took another big bite, with obvious pleasure.  
  
Janice laughed brightly and shrugged, "Okay, well then I guess you can keep eating sandwiches for dinner! How about you, Joey? What do you want to eat now that you're a vegetarian? Did you like the soy burger?"  
  
Joey shook his head and pouted, wishing that he could gobble up Phoebe's sandwich.  
  
"Oh, I know! Remember that pasta dinner you cooked for me and Chandler the other night, with all the vegetables and stuff? How about you cook that tonight? I'd do it for you, except it's your secret family recipe, you know." She laughed again, still forgetting to tone it down without Chandler around to remind her.  
  
Joey winced and tried to tune out her nasal, annoying voice. "Uh, yeah. I-I guess I could do that."  
  
"Okay, so come on over and cook for us. Chandler and I will watch Ruthie, and Phoebe, you can keep eating that sandwich!" She laughed again.  
  
So they all went over to the bigger apartment, and Ruthie once again played with the chick and the duck happily. Phoebe gorged herself on her sandwich and watched TV.  
  
Joey put on his white apron and checked that there were enough ingredients for himself, Chandler, Janice, and Ruthie. Then he filled up a pot and began to boil water. But as he watched Chandler and Janice laughing and playing with Ruthie, he got jealous of their interaction, and he called out, "Chandler? You wanna help me cook?"  
  
Chandler got nervous, and Janice asked, "I thought you said it was a secret recipe?"  
  
"Yeah, but--but, Chandler can help me chop vegetables and make a salad."  
  
"Well, I can do that, Joey," Janice started to get up from the couch.  
  
Joey pouted because he had really wanted to recreate that closeness that he and Chandler had the other night when they cooked together. "Actually, never mind. I can handle it." He turned away and started to wash the vegetables in the sink.  
  
Janice sat down again and could tell that Joey was upset by his posture. Chandler also noticed this icy brush off, and he realized that Joey was no longer making an effort to get along with Janice. So Chandler took a breath to steady himself, then he got up and approached the kitchen.  
  
"Uh, Joe," he said nervously. "You sure you don't need help?"  
  
Joey turned around and looked at him hopefully. "You wanna help me?"  
  
Chandler gulped. "I, um..."  
  
Joey took his arm and pulled him closer, whispering with concern, "What's wrong with you today?"  
  
Chandler shrugged and looked at his feet while he tried to dodge the question. "I'm just--it feels weird now. I mean, you've acted all weird about me and Janice sleeping together. You stayed the night at Monica's place 'cause you couldn't stand it."  
  
"I know." Joey sighed with guilt. "Look, I'm sorry. It's just, you know, hard to take her voice all night. She's so loud--"  
  
"That's 'cause I'm good," Chandler said, somewhat defensively. "I'm good with her. No, actually I'm great with her. Better than I was with Kathy or anybody."  
  
Joey frowned and looked away uncomfortably. "Yeah, I guess you are. Even Phoebe's saying so from what she heard." He grimaced. "It's just--it's hard for me to hear her with you, like that. I don't know why it bothers me so much. It just does, and I wish..."  
  
"What?" Chandler stared at Joey breathlessly and for a wild moment, he wished that Joey would kiss him. Just pull him close and say that he wanted Chandler too.  
  
But Joey didn't. He stared at the tomatoes in front of him and exhaled in frustration. "I wish this weekend was over already, and we could hang out again, just us. It's like, I've hardly seen you at all lately. I miss you."  
  
Chandler swallowed and was grateful that Joey wasn't looking at him right now. "I know." He frowned and berated himself for having inappropriate thoughts about Joey again.  
  
Joey sighed and asked, "You wanna help me cook?"  
  
Chandler fretfully dodged again, "I-I don't know. Can't you let Janice help you?"  
  
Joey grumbled stubbornly.  
  
Chandler whispered, "You promised you'd try to get along with her."  
  
Joey pouted and felt that the whole situation was unfair. "I tried! But she makes me mad, and how come she won't let me see you, huh? Like yesterday and this morning when you were sick... And what's with you locking the door so much, and saying you were cooking naked to get rid of me? It's like, I watch the kid for you and everything, but you don't even wanna see me at all. What's so wrong with me, huh?"  
  
"Nothing. Nothing's wrong with you." He hadn't realized that Joey had taken Chandler's avoidance of him so personally. "I'm sorry."  
  
Joey turned to face him, and he put a coaxing arm around Chandler, "So cook with me."  
  
Unable to look away from Joey's imploring gaze, Chandler gulped again and couldn't manage to find his voice. Instead of refusing, he nodded shyly and hoped that Joey didn't feel him trembling at his touch.  
  
"Oh no, the water's boiling!" Joey let go of him and he hurried to stop the pot from boiling over.  
  
Janice cautiously approached them in the kitchen. "Is everything all right, Bing-a-ling?" She wasn't quite sure what they'd been talking about for so long, but she suspected that Chandler might be in need of rescue by now.  
  
Part of Chandler did want to be rescued, but another part ached to be near Joey and feel his arms around him again. Besides, he'd already agreed to stay and Joey was clearly not in a mood to accept interference from Janice again.  
  
"I'm--f-fine," Chandler said quietly, then moved toward the sink and grabbed the nearest vegetables. "I should wash these, right?"  
  
Joey smiled at him as he packed all the pasta into the pot. "Yeah."  
  
Rather confused, but not knowing what else to do, Janice reluctantly returned to the living room. She kept her eye fixed on Chandler to see any signs of distress, but Chandler seemed okay and Joey was immensely pleased by his presence, even hugging him for a moment.  
  
Then Joey had an idea and took off his apron, putting it on Chandler and tying it for him. "We should get you one," he said with a laugh and tugged the strings playfully. Joey was quite warm and affectionate, touching Chandler often as they made dinner together. They talked and smiled as if they hadn't seen each other in days, even whispering to each other sometimes about who knows what.  
  
To Janice, it looked very much like Joey was in love, and Chandler seemed quite flattered, blushing now and then, while claiming that he was merely affected by the hot steam from the stove.  
  
After Chandler helped with the vegetables, he set the table while Joey finished the sauce, adding a lot of cheese in hopes that it would make up for the lack of meat. Then Joey tugged the apron off of Chandler and finally they all sat down to dinner. Phoebe went to make herself another big sandwich full of meat before joining them.  
  
At dinner, Joey kept smiling at Chandler, and from the looks on their faces, Janice would have expected the guys to be playing footsie under the table. She wondered if Phoebe suspected anything, but Phoebe was too happily engrossed in her sandwich to notice.  
  
"Mmm! This is so good, not being nauseous!"  
  
Janice kept cutting up vegetables for Ruthie and felt slightly jealous of Chandler and Joey. But she sighed and told herself that Chandler wasn't jealous of her and Phoebe, so she shouldn't be jealous either. They were soulmates after all. Chan and Jan forever. Chan and Jan... and Joey forever?  
  
Dinner certainly seemed to drag on forever, while Joey kept talking to Chandler about things they could do this upcoming week. "We don't have to make just cinnamon raisin loaf. I wanna try making banana bread too or something. And now that I can't eat meat, you know, I gotta find lots of vegetarian food to eat. We should go to the store and stock up on a lot of jam, and peanut butter, and chips, and salsa and--Oh! we should rent *Die Hard* again, and..."  
  
It seemed almost as if Joey was deliberately keeping Janice out of the conversation, and she couldn't believe that Chandler was letting him get away with it. He just sat there, listening with rapt attention.  
  
Finally, dinner ended and they cleared all the dishes away, but Joey assumed that they would stay until Ruthie's bedtime, like last night, so he asked Chandler to come play foosball with him.  
  
Janice was tired of this, and she snapped. With an edge in her voice, she said, "Actually, it's kind of getting late, Joey. Why don't you save foosball for some other night, and take Ruthie back to the other apartment now?"  
  
Joey turned to her and spoke almost defiantly, "Now?"  
  
"Yes," she said firmly. "I think you should go. Chandler and I want to be alone right now." She went over to Chandler and took hold of his arm, as if to claim him. "We should make the most of this last night before I go home tomorrow."  
  
Joey looked to Chandler for confirmation, but with Janice's fingernails digging into him, Chandler now realized how truly incensed she was, so he nodded and said, "Yeah, Joe. I'll, uh, see you tomorrow."  
  
"All right." Joey backed down and went to pick up Ruthie. "Come on, Pheebs, let's go."  
  
"Oh, um," Phoebe stammered, "actually I'm just gonna stay the night here again, in your room. It's crowded over at Monica and Rachel's."  
  
Joey looked peeved, and he now considered Phoebe entirely too chummy with Janice. "Fine." He turned to go. "Good night, Chandler." Taking Ruthie with him, he returned to the other apartment without even acknowledging the women.  
  
Noticing the tension and negative feelings in the air, Phoebe asked Janice, "Did I miss something?"  
  
Janice folded her arms and glared at Chandler for a moment, then she said, "I-I just need a few minutes alone with Chandler, Phoebe. Can you just make yourself another sandwich or something?"  
  
"Oh, I'm full, but I guess I can go wash the dishes."  
  
"Thanks." Janice grabbed Chandler by the arm and returned to their bedroom, shutting the door behind them.  
  
Now that they were alone, she exhaled angrily and paced around the room. "I thought you were afraid of him, Chandler," she seethed with resentment. "I thought you didn't want to be near him. You asked me not to leave you alone with him."  
  
Looking guilty and baffled, Chandler bit his lip and sank onto the bed. "I know! I just... he just... somehow..." Frowning, he shook his head and shrugged. "I-I don't know how to explain it. Joey was so upset, and he missed me, and I thought if it was just for a little while... And then he--he touched me too."  
  
Janice sighed. "I know, I saw it! You should be glad that Phoebe didn't pay any attention to you guys. He *kept* touching you constantly."  
  
Chandler blinked and asked her seriously, "Really? I-I thought I was just imagining it. That I was just wishing he'd touch me, and just... daydreaming again."  
  
"Trust me, you weren't! He was all over you." Janice sat on the bed too, and got quite upset. "And he was standing close all the time, and whispering sweet nothings in your ear..." She winced at the memory. "What was he whispering about?"  
  
"He was, he was asking why I kept so acting weird lately, and if we could hang out again once you went home with Ruthie. Like, go to another game or cook some more stuff."  
  
"Hmph," Janice said. "Or go to a movie and make out."  
  
Chandler blushed and stared at her. "You think... you think he really wants me? But he acts so straight--"  
  
"Not with you, he doesn't."  
  
"Are you sure you're not reading too much into it? I mean, he's Italian, and he says it's not gay when they kiss."  
  
Janice folded her arms and pouted, asking quietly, "If he did want you, Chandler, would you sleep with him?"  
  
Chandler weighed that idea in a lengthy silence. "I-I don't know," he finally answered. "A dream is one thing, but if he actually..."  
  
"Would you kiss him?"  
  
Chandler gulped, then admitted, "Yes."  
  
Janice was not surprised, but his answer made her feel all the more insecure.  
  
Chandler's conscience hit him hard then, and he put his arms around her. "I'm sorry. Why did I say that? What's wrong with me? I love you, Janice. I love you!" He kept kissing her apologetically and had tears in his eyes. "I'm sorry!" He was both confused and mortified by his feelings for Joey, and when Janice didn't respond to his touch, he felt rejected.  
  
Chandler groaned and turned away, burying himself under the bedcovers. "Oh God, I'm horrible! I don't deserve you! I'm--I'm like my parents!" He muttered again about needing to see Dr. Meyer, and about his parents warping him psychologically.  
  
Seeing Chandler in such a wretched state, Janice was now ashamed of herself for making him feel so terrible. She put her arms around Chandler and kissed him. "No, no! I'm sorry, Bing-a-ling. I'm sorry too! You can't help feeling that way about Joey, and I told you before that I'm okay with it. I meant that. I just--I was being selfish and jealous tonight. And, and I was scared that you didn't love me anymore."  
  
"I do!" He kissed her desperately and clung to her arms.  
  
She hugged him and kissed away his tears. "I love you too." They comforted and reassured each other with soft words and caresses. She called Chandler her honey-bunny again and they made love.  
  
When Phoebe had finished washing the dishes, she went to Chandler's door and cautiously peeked inside the room. She could see Chandler and Janice already coupling underneath the covers, and something about their intimacy seemed urgent and more emotionally intense than normal. They didn't even sense her presence, because they were so focused on each other at the moment. Realizing that maybe they had a bad fight and were having make-up sex now, Phoebe decided that it was best not to interrupt them tonight.  
  
So she shut the door and went to Joey's bedroom instead. As she undressed and got ready to slip into bed by herself, she could still hear them in the other room. Phoebe felt a little sad to be left out, but she knew that Janice had already invited her to come back if she ever got lonely again, so this wouldn't be her last chance to join them. 


	22. A Different Perspective

[Thanks for all the reviews. To clarify, Liam and Devon were the actual names of Emily's rugby-playing friends in the episode TOW All the Rugby. I'm not using Liam in this story because he's also Emily's ex, and I don't want any awkwardness to ensue if either Monica or Rachel date him. Thus, they are going out with Devon and some other rugby teammate named Geoffrey, whom I made up.]  
  
-  
  
-  
  
Ruthie was still playing with her Nanny doll and Joey was still missing Chandler fiercely when Monica and Rachel returned from their double date. At the door, they kissed their dates good night, then came inside and took off their coats.  
  
Obviously happy, Monica gushed about how great Devon was and how they were going on another date tomorrow night.  
  
"Another double date?" Joey asked.  
  
"No," Rachel answered. "It seems like those two could use a night all to themselves. Right, Mon?"  
  
Monica nodded and arranged the flowers in the vases. "I really think he could be *the one*, Rach. He's so charming and sweet and handsome, you know? It's like my fantasy come true: Meet someone from a strange land, fall in madly love, and spend the rest of your lives together."  
  
Rachel grinned, "That's why you kept hanging out with that Ukrainian kid in high school?"  
  
"Yeah," she sighed, "and remember when I dated Julio from the diner? I was hoping that he'd be a hot, exotic fling for me like Paolo was for you, until I found out what a jerk he was. Just like Paolo turned out to be, I guess. But Devon--oh, he totally restores my faith in international romance. I just hope he's not opposed to having kids."  
  
"Mon, don't get too attached to him yet," Rachel warned her. "In case he turns out to be another Paolo or something."  
  
"Okay, okay, I won't rush things, but I can always hope, can't I? It's been so long since I've had such a great first date."  
  
"Well, good," Joey said. "You deserve it." Monica hugged him for that, then Joey turned back to Rachel curiously. "What about you, Rach? Things didn't work out with that Geoff guy?"  
  
"Oh, no, he's all right, and we both agree that we just wanna have fun right now. We're gonna go out again this week, but first I have to ask Joshua to put us on the list at that night club he owns." She grinned wickedly, "Then Geoff and I can go there and dance all night. That'll show Joshua what he's missing with his 'Can we just be friends' attitude!"  
  
Joey wished her good luck with that plan, as he didn't like Geoff based on his first impression. But perhaps he wouldn't like Joshua, either, if they met. Joshua sounded like a wishy-washy guy, and his excuse of being recently divorced and not ready for dating yet reminded Joey vaguely of Ross's old behavior. Ross had been so pathetic and mopey right after his divorce from Carol, and he always had to be prodded to make a move on Rachel, or any other woman. It got annoying after a while.  
  
On the couch, Monica scooted closer to Ruthie and played with her, while Rachel kicked off her high heels and asked Joey where Phoebe was. "Did she go home already?"  
  
"No, she decided to stay over there again." Joey pointed to the other apartment and looked sulky.  
  
"What's the matter?" Rachel asked.  
  
Joey pouted and explained how Janice had practically kicked him out of the apartment right after dinner.  
  
"So?" Monica asked, not seeing anything unreasonable in Janice's behavior. "She's right. They should make the most of what's left of their weekend together."  
  
"You're taking her side?!" Joey was shocked and hurt. "But-but she was mean, and she wouldn't even let me play just a little foosball with Chandler."  
  
"You guys can play foosball anytime," Rachel pointed out.  
  
Joey insisted, "That's not the point! I really wanted to hang out with him tonight! I mean, we've hardly seen each other all weekend--"  
  
Rachel scoffed. "What are you talking about, Joey? You've seen him every day this weekend."  
  
"Only during breakfast, lunch, and dinner," he said.  
  
"So?" Rachel shrugged. "That's how much you see Chandler during the work week. Except on those days when he's too busy to meet us at Central Perk for lunch, or when he has to stay late at the office working on the WENUS."  
  
"Yeah, you've seen him plenty," Monica agreed. "Considering that this is their special romantic weekend, you're lucky that he even had time for you, or any of us, this weekend. He could have been like Ross, you know, whom we've hardly seen at all since he flitted off to Vermont with Emily on their first date."  
  
Rachel nodded. "Yep. Chandler is so wild about Janice now that he probably would've whisked her away to somewhere secluded and romantic too, except that Janice wanted to be able to check in on Ruthie. So if you really think about it, Joey, you should be thanking Janice for making it easier for you to see Chandler."  
  
Joey frowned and looked confused. What Rachel said sounded logical enough, and yet he felt that it just couldn't be right somehow. "But--but Janice kicked me out!" he whined. "And she wouldn't let me help Chandler when he was sick this morning."  
  
"He didn't seem that sick to me," Monica said. "Not like Phoebe. Besides, I guess he wanted to be alone since he locked the door."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
Joey pouted and grumbled to himself. Why did they have to defend Janice like this? Had Phoebe influenced them, since she was so friendly with Janice already? "She's mean," he stubbornly maintained.  
  
Monica scoffed. "Mean? Joey, she's annoying, I'll grant you that, but I've never seen her be mean. Come on."  
  
"Yeah, what's the big deal?" Rachel asked Joey. "You moped just like this last night, when they were all talking about that book at dinner. What, does Chandler have to pay attention to you every single moment you're together?"  
  
Monica chuckled and thought about Joey and Chandler's special bond. "Yeah, Janice is his girlfriend, but you're the one who gets all possessive and jealous about him."  
  
Rachel laughed wickedly. "Yeah, it's like he's in looove with Chandler!"  
  
"No, I'm not!" he objected indignantly.  
  
They were having too much fun at his expense, though, and they both teased him broadly, "Oh, Chandler! Don't marry Janice and move far away from me. Don't take all the new furniture and stuff that you bought for me."  
  
"Oh Chandler, buy me jam and make me pancakes! And wear this engraved bracelet that I bought for you."  
  
"Pay for my rent again, and my head shots, and my acting classes."  
  
"And rehearse this kissing part with me!" Rachel made loud kissing noises.  
  
Joey scowled and threw a pillow at her.  
  
Seeing that they'd gone too far, Monica politely restrained her giggles and patted his knee. "Sorry, Joey. We're just kidding." She took Ruthie's hand and said, "Come on, sweetie, it's time to get ready for bed." She led Ruthie to the bathroom to change into her pyjamas and brush her teeth.  
  
Rachel was still laughing heartily, while Joey pouted furiously.  
  
"That was for my audition," he said, regarding the kissing part.  
  
"I know, I know," she said, holding the pillow in front of her to help stifle her laughter. Then she composed herself and said, "I'm sorry, Joey, but don't you think it's a little funny just how close you and Chandler are? Maybe even a little too close?"  
  
"What? We're not gay!" he denied.  
  
"We know! But it's just that, sometimes, well..." She shrugged as she searched for the right way to phrase it. "Oh! You know how Chandler has that gay quality, even though we know that he actually likes women? That's just like when you and Chandler are together and start giving off misleading signals. Like, when you kissed Chandler at New Year's, or when you bought him that bracelet, or when you guys were fighting over Chandler's new roommate Eddie." She chuckled at the memory. "And, geez, you two were practically a married couple when you first got the chick and the duck!"  
  
Joey was shocked and offended that she would imply anything weird and questionable about their relationship.  
  
Rachel continued matter-of-factly, "And now you're irrationally overreacting about Janice. I mean, seriously, if you don't want to keep giving people the wrong impression about you and Chandler, then you've really gotta learn to let go and give him some space, you know. Besides, what are you gonna do if he does settle down with Janice, huh? You can't just keep trying to monopolize his time and getting mad if she asks you to give them some privacy. That's just silly."  
  
Her comments left Joey dumbfounded and upset.  
  
Just then, Monica returned with Ruthie and tucked her under the blankets on the loveseat. Ruthie wondered why her mommy had apparently forgotten to come read her a bedtime story tonight, and Monica offered to do that instead, but Ruthie would accept no substitutions.  
  
"Mommy!" she wailed.  
  
"Okay, okay!" Monica responded. "Maybe she's just running a little late, sweetie. Rach?"  
  
Grabbing the baby monitor, Rachel checked in on Janice and hoped that she was not in the middle of sex with Chandler. "Hello? Janice? Yeah, I'm sorry to interrupt, but Ruthie really wants you to read her a bedtime story. Okay, see you soon."  
  
Joey didn't want to see Janice right now, so he petulantly got up and left the apartment, going downstairs to the coffeehouse. He ordered a latte and some muffins as comfort food, then sat alone and remembered how Chandler and Janice had broken up many times here at Central Perk. Why couldn't Janice have just stayed gone? Why did she and Chandler have to meet again at the nail salon? Why, God, why?  
  
But God gave him no answers, so he just kept brooding unhappily. Joey had tried to get along with her. He'd talked with her and smiled at her and watched Ruthie for her just like Chandler had asked him to. In her presence, Joey had even tried to picture the hot Nanny instead of Janice, in order to make Janice's laughter and personality more bearable to him. But then she just had to get in between him and Chandler, and that ruined any kind of bond that they were developing. Now Joey was utterly convinced that Janice was selfish, mean, and not worthy of marrying Chandler someday. He couldn't understand why Monica and Rachel didn't agree with him, let alone suggested that Joey was the one who was being unreasonable.  
  
What if Chandler took Janice's side as well? What if he got mad again and wouldn't forgive Joey for not getting along with her? What if he stopped speaking to Joey, or even decided to move in with her and the kid? That would be awful. Joey didn't want to lose Chandler, but he didn't want to keep putting up with Janice, either. Joey just wanted to be alone with Chandler again and not have to deal with her anymore. She didn't belong here. She had no right to keep them apart!  
  
Pounding the table in frustration, Joey sighed and sadly picked at his muffins. He wondered if he should even bother to go upstairs right now and try to talk to Chandler before Janice came back, but it probably wouldn't do any good. Chandler had let Janice kick him out, after all, and he was probably still blinded by love. Joey felt deeply hurt and lonely. 


	23. Opening His Eyes

[I realize belatedly that Janice has been mean in the TOW Heckles Dies, where she arrives to gloat about being married and pregnant. But in a way, Chandler deserved it, after dumping her so many times in season 1. But Monica is generally right that Janice is usually not mean, and is unaware of how annoying she can be.  
  
Anyway, I estimate only two or three more chapters to this story, so the end is in sight.]  
  
-  
  
-  
  
While Joey moped in silence, Gunther came along to wipe up the nearby tables, and he noticed that Joey looked upset, and even a little teary eyed, which was rather unusual for such a happy-go-lucky guy. Also, Joey wasn't greedily gobbling up his muffins, so something must be seriously wrong.  
  
After a hesitation, Gunther decided that he was curious and friendly enough with Rachel's group (he always thought of them as Rachel's group) to risk asking, "What's wrong?"  
  
Joey sniffled and didn't look up. "It's Chandler."  
  
Oh, that must be his roommate, Gunther guessed. Those two guys were practically joined at the hip most of the time, so Gunther used to confuse them. "Did you have a fight?"  
  
"No. It's him and Janice." Joey spoke her name with distaste and pouted about the unfairness of it all. "He loves her, and there's nothing I can do about it."  
  
"Oh. Is her annoying laugh getting to you?" Gunther had seen and heard plenty of Janice when Chandler brought her to the coffeehouse. He shrugged. "Eh, girlfriends of your buddies. What can you do? Sometimes, you just gotta tolerate them and hope that it won't work out."  
  
But Joey couldn't feel nearly as composed and indifferent about it. "I don't wanna tolerate her! It's not fair. She already had her chance with him, and she shouldn't have come back again! He, he doesn't belong with her." Joey sulked, looking utterly heartbroken and miserable.  
  
"Ohhh." With wide eyes, Gunther sat down at the table and thought he understood now. He recognized that look of longing and frustration on Joey's face, because he had often felt the same way about Rachel, whenever she dated Ross or other guys that Gunther had both envied and hated. So perhaps Joey and Chandler weren't just roommates after all, or at least Joey didn't want them to be just roommates anymore, and Chandler was oblivious in the way that Rachel was oblivious. Of course, Joey was notorious around here for using women, but Joey's words and looks just seemed so emotional and distraught; it convinced Gunther that the heartbreaker had grown capable of more depth now. Besides, Joey was acting far more passionate about this than anyone would get over a mere roommate or friend. Gunther had never got so upset about his own roommate Jasmine, after all.  
  
So Gunther patted Joey's shoulder sympathetically and murmured, "That's too bad. I know how hard it is, watching somebody you love going out with someone else."  
  
"What?" Joey blinked and narrowed his eyes at Gunther in confusion. He certainly didn't love Janice. Did Gunther think this was another love triangle, like he and Chandler had over Kathy? "I don't love *her*!" Joey grimaced and was offended by the very idea.  
  
"I know," Gunther nodded and shushed him. He confided in a whisper, "You and him--that's like how I feel about Rachel. I'd do anything for her, but she still doesn't see me as more than a friend yet." He thought he qualified as a peripheral friend, since he was Rachel's ex-boss and he often got invited to various parties thrown by the six friends. Gunther spoke encouragingly, "But, look, maybe this Janice whoever is like Ross was to Rachel, you know? She'll finally go away for good, then you'll get your chance." Gunther was still waiting for his chance with Rachel, though bad timing and other people still got in his way.  
  
Joey gaped at him, and he finally pieced together what Gunther thought. "Me and Chandler? Me and, and--?!" He was too shocked and mortified to form a coherent expression of outrage, though his face spoke volumes.  
  
"You mean, you don't--? Oh no!" Gunther blushed and was equally shocked by his mistake. Panicking now, Gunther stammered profuse apologies in embarrassment, then he got up and dashed away to the kitchen, cursing at himself in Dutch all the while.  
  
Glancing first around the coffeehouse to see if anyone else had overheard their conversation, Joey hastily stormed out of the door, even leaving behind his unfinished muffin and latte. Then he furiously and aimlessly wandered around the neighborhood as he brooded again.  
  
That was twice! Twice, someone had accused him of being in love with Chandler tonight. Rachel had only done it jokingly with Monica, but now Gunther seriously believed that he was gay. How could this happen? How? Apparently Rachel was correct when she said that he and Chandler gave off misleading signals sometimes, even to acquaintances like Gunther. Joey knew of course that this happened with strangers, because he and Chandler had been mistaken for a couple once when they were babysitting Ben, and they had deliberately pretended to be a gay couple later that day, but he had no idea that such wrong impressions occurred as frequently as Rachel made it sound. Just how serious an issue was this?  
  
Come to think of it, whenever Joey and Chandler took the chick and the duck to the vet, it seemed like the doctor and most of his staff assumed that they were a couple too. Joey had tried to flirt with a nurse once, and she had reacted with surprise because, "You and your friend talk about those birds just like they were your children or something."  
  
Joey had corrected her and started to ask her out, but Chandler had interrupted him and pulled him aside, warning him in a whisper, "If you sleep with her and never call her again, we may never be able to come back to this clinic. Think of the birds!"  
  
So Joey had reluctantly agreed to keep away from the nurse, but he noticed that the nurse went off and whispered to the receptionist something about how "he keeps a tight leash on his guy, doesn't he?"  
  
Feeling embarrassed and uncomfortable, Joey continued turning over other incidents in his mind as he tried to figure out how most people seemed to view his and Chandler's close friendship. It felt like his eyes were being opened for the first time as he discovered a whole new world of innuendo that he'd let go over his head before.  
  
Joey started to question everything they'd ever done together, and he now realized that he had touched Chandler constantly while they were in the kitchen tonight. Joey hadn't meant to, but he got carried away because he missed Chandler so much and wanted to feel closer to him again. He had frequently wanted to kiss Chandler on the cheek, but he knew that this would upset Chandler, so he channeled his kissing impulses into caressing Chandler's arm or shoulder, or brushing his fingers through his hair. He kept standing near Chandler and whispering in his ear, wanting to make him laugh and smile. Wanting to pretend that they were all alone.  
  
Joey gasped and remembered how pleased he had felt when Chandler seemed to blush and like all the attention. During dinner, Chandler had hung on his every word, almost as if to say that he belonged to Joey, not to Janice. Whoa, was that why Janice had kicked him out of the apartment? Because she was jealous of him and Chandler?  
  
Joey had to sit down on some steps as it suddenly occurred to him that he wanted to make her jealous. He wanted to spite her and hurt her and show her how it made him feel when she wouldn't let him be with Chandler before. He wanted to tell her that girlfriends come and go, but he and Chandler were forever.  
  
Oh God. Joey put down his head in his hands and realized that Rachel's sarcastic remark was actually true: he was in love with Chandler. Why didn't he see this before? Joey had wanted to kiss him so many times, and had they really been alone tonight, they might have had some beers again and gotten drunk enough that Joey might have kissed his lips this time. Joey could imagine what that would feel like, because he remembered their brief, impulsive kiss on New Year's, and he longed to refresh his memory now.  
  
But what would Chandler do then? Probably be shocked and slap him. Probably run away and lock himself in his bedroom again, like he had done the other night when Joey kissed his cheek and said "I love you." Chandler was afraid of anything remotely gay, and he surely wouldn't reciprocate.  
  
Joey felt crushed and lonely, even worse then when Kate had rejected him so many times last year. Why did he always have to want people he couldn't have? Joey ached to get closer to Chandler, but Chandler only had eyes for Janice, and there was nothing he could do about it. Nothing at all. So Joey just sat there, holding back his tears and wishing desperately that he was still living in ignorance of his true feelings for Chandler.  
  
***  
  
After reading her daughter a bedtime story, Janice kissed her goodnight and returned to the other apartment. She had asked Monica and Rachel where Joey had gone to, and they just shrugged, saying that he left because he was still angry about Janice kicking him out earlier.  
  
"We tried to reason with him, but sometimes he gets very irrational about Chandler."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"I see."  
  
Janice suspected that Joey was being so irrational because he was in love with Chandler, either consciously or subconsciously. She didn't want to believe that Chandler would pine away with unrequited love for Joey, until it became so all consuming that it interfered with his love for Janice. Nor did Janice want Chandler to keep insisting that he ought to see a psychiatrist and be cured of these feelings. She wanted him to know that, just like with the trauma from his parents' divorce, repressing his emotions would never make him happy. He needed to accept them and express them in a healthy manner. If only she could figure out how to convince him, though.  
  
Janice returned to Chandler's room and crawled into bed with him again.  
  
He kissed her and asked, "She's asleep now?"  
  
"Yeah, she just missed her mommy, that's all. She should sleep through the night now."  
  
"Good. So you can stay here with me." He hugged her close to him. "I love you."  
  
"I love you too, Bing-a-ling."  
  
"Do you really have to go home tomorrow? Why can't you stay here?"  
  
"Honey, you know I can't. Ruthie's not going to like being away from home much longer, and I have to work, and the daycare is much closer to my place in Chelsea. Besides, after this weekend, I'll be too tired to have any sex for at least a couple of days."  
  
"I know, and it's not really the sex I'm worried about, Janice. It's just, what am I gonna do when I'm alone with Joey again? How am I gonna keep away from him?"  
  
"Oh, honey, don't avoid him! You'll just make him all upset again. He loves you."  
  
Chandler frowned and looked away. "But it's only as a friend. He said I was like family, like a brother to him."  
  
Janice shook her head. "He may say that, but I don't think he acts very much like a brother. Not when he was touching you so much and everything. I mean, he was still so upset about you even now, that he just stormed out when Monica and Rachel called me over there to see Ruthie."  
  
"He did?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
Chandler thought about it, but he suspected that Joey's action was more out of hatred for Janice than love for him. He wasn't going to tell Janice about that, though. Chandler held her tighter and begged again, "Please stay with me."  
  
Janice kissed him and stroked his head comfortingly. "I'm sorry, but I really can't. Look, what if I ask Phoebe to stay here with you again? She could stay on your couch to keep you company, and you and everybody else can help her through her morning sickness and everything. And if she's feeling up to it, you can sneak in some quickies with her."  
  
Chandler pouted. "But I really want *you*, Janice. Other than this threesome thing, Phoebe's just a friend to me. You're my soulmate, not her."  
  
"Oh, you're so sweet!" She kissed him softly. "I love you too, Bing-a-ling, but I just can't be with you every minute. There's no way I can, unless you come to live with me and Ruthie, but I don't think you're ready for that yet. Are you?"  
  
Chandler thought about it. "Well, I do want to get away from Joey for a while... but how would he support himself alone? And there's the chick and the duck, and all my other friends, and I just got the better apartment..." He sighed and admitted, "Besides, I'm doing okay with Ruthie so far, but I really don't think I can handle a kid on a day-to-day basis. Joey's the one who'd know what to do with her, not me."  
  
"Well, speaking of Joey... what if you got together with him?"  
  
"Janice--" he frowned and grew uncomfortable.  
  
"No, no! Just listen, honey. You don't want just Phoebe, and you can't have me, so why not Joey, huh? He's the only one you seem to want as much as you want me. He could make you happy when I'm not here, and I promise I'll stop being jealous about it, just as long as I know that we're still soulmates. It could work out for all of us."  
  
Chandler wasn't convinced. "No, no, it couldn't! No, I couldn't even--and he'd have to want me too, and I know he doesn't. He's straight!"  
  
Janice sighed and could see that she wasn't making any progress. Chandler was being too stubborn about this, and she had to back off for the moment. "All right, I'm sorry. I just, I just thought it would make you happy, you know?"  
  
"I know." He lay his head on her shoulder and clung to her arms. "But don't talk about him anymore, please. Just, just stay here with me."  
  
She shook her head. "I can't. I have to go home tomorrow."  
  
He nodded and looked sad. "All right, I'm sorry. I'm too needy, I guess. I'll--I'll just find Dr. Meyer tomorrow, and then he can cure me of Joey, and all my issues, and everything. Then I'll be okay."  
  
Janice remained skeptical, but she said nothing, knowing that it wouldn't do any good. But maybe if she talked to Joey instead and found out definitely whether he loved Chandler too, then everything could be resolved. Janice just needed to figure out the proper way to approach this subject, though, and possibly mend some bridges since Joey was feeling so hostile to her right now.  
  
Meanwhile, Chandler just held onto her for security and whispered, "I love you, Janice."  
  
"I love you, too, Bing-a-ling."  
  
***  
  
After sitting on the steps for a long time, Joey finally got up and decided to go home. It was late, and maybe a good night's rest would do him some good. Maybe things wouldn't look so bleak in the morning, and maybe he could figure out how to get himself over Chandler like he got over Kate, when she left for L.A.  
  
When Joey returned to the girls' apartment, the lights were out and everyone was already asleep. So Joey took off his coat in the darkness and tiptoed toward the couch, taking care not to wake up Ruthie on the loveseat. Then he got undressed and lay down under the blanket, trying to get comfortable even though he didn't like sleeping in his underwear.  
  
Joey was glad that this weekend was almost over, and that Janice and Ruthie would go home in the morning. Then he could spend time with Chandler again. But not too much time, he realized.  
  
Joey frowned, feeling jealous and bitter. How could Chandler love her? How could he want to be with her, and put up with her annoying laughter without going nuts? Joey tried to convince himself that Chandler was only seeing Janice for the sex, but he knew that this wasn't true. Chandler had repeatedly called her his soulmate and looked at her with adoring eyes. It made Joey ache inside, and he clutched Hugsy tightly. 


	24. Free Porn

[I'm going to skip TOW The Fake Party, since Rachel has already confronted Joshua about his feelings for her, so she has no reason to throw a party now.  
  
Which brings me to TOW The Free Porn, wherein Joey and Chandler watch lots of porn, including a movie titled *In and Out, and In Again*. There was a real movie called *In and Out*, starring Kevin Kline as a schoolteacher whose former student outs him as gay on national television. A clean-shaven Tom Selleck also appears in the movie, as one of the gossip reporters that descend upon the small town for a scoop.  
  
Mr. Treeger was snaking the shower drain in TOW The Free Porn, but I've altered that detail in this chapter.]  
  
-  
  
-  
  
In the morning, Chandler made breakfast while Janice packed up her things with Phoebe's help. Phoebe didn't seem to be suffering from morning sickness anymore.  
  
"It must be the meat I ate," she said cheerfully. "I don't feel nauseous at all."  
  
"Really?" Janice was surprised. "During my pregnancy, some meat made me nauseous. I guess every woman is different, though."  
  
Phoebe nodded and hugged her close. "I'm just glad I can do this." She kissed Janice affectionately. "Oh, I missed you last night."  
  
Janice smiled and stroked her hair lovingly. "I missed you too, Pheebs. But thank you for leaving us alone. Chandler and I just needed to talk about some things in private."  
  
"Was it about me?" she asked.  
  
Janice shook her head and felt tempted again to ask Phoebe for advice on how to handle Chandler and Joey, but she abided by her earlier promise to not reveal this situation to Phoebe. So she sighed and kissed Phoebe reassuringly. "No, it's... just some of his old insecurities, and us discussing whether he'd move in with me yet."  
  
"Oh, no wonder. He's always been afraid of commitment."  
  
"Yes, but he's getting better."  
  
Phoebe hugged her tightly. "I wish you'd move here, closer to all of us."  
  
"Maybe someday, Phoebe. Maybe."  
  
Meanwhile, Chandler brooded in the kitchen and felt anxious because he'd had another dream about Joey last night. They were cooking together again, when Joey suddenly pulled him close and kissed him passionately. Then they lustfully made out and started groping each other against the foosball table.  
  
Chandler felt terribly guilty and upset for dreaming about Joey once again, so he resolved to make an appointment with Dr. Meyer as soon as possible and ask whether he could be hypnotized into not having the dreams anymore.  
  
Across the hall, Monica and Rachel packed Ruthie's belongings and got her ready to go home. Joey dressed and picked up all his bedding from the couch, including Hugsy, then he went over to the other apartment.  
  
"Chandler?" he knocked cautiously.  
  
"Um, just a minute, Joe. Janice, can you get the door?"  
  
"All right." She pulled out of Phoebe's embrace and let Joey in. "Good morning."  
  
He grunted and walked past her to his room.  
  
Janice followed after him. "Uh, Joey, I just wanted to say I'm sorry about last night. If I was rude, well, it's just because I don't get to spend that much time with Chandler. You live with him and see him all the time, you know?"  
  
Joey didn't respond to her, coldly putting away his stuff and trying to hide his jealousy and misery. He loved Chandler with all his heart, but even if he could somehow kick Janice out of Chandler's life, Joey still couldn't have him.  
  
Janice tried again, thinking of her job as a photographer. "Well, um, thank you for babysitting for us this weekend. I appreciate it, Joey, and if you ever need some head shots, I'll do them for you half-price." She laughed in a friendly way.  
  
Joey didn't care, just pushing her out of his bedroom and locking the door.  
  
Janice reluctantly gave up and realized that it would take more time to get through to Joey. So she went across the hall to retrieve Ruthie from Monica and Rachel.  
  
After breakfast, everyone except Joey said goodbye, then Phoebe and Janice grabbed their bags and took Ruthie downstairs to the cab that was waiting for them.  
  
Chandler hated to see Janice go, but she had told him several times already that she couldn't stay. So they kissed and promised to call each other soon. "I love you."  
  
"I love you, too. Bye."  
  
After she drove away, Chandler returned upstairs and got ready to go to work. He felt depressed and hoped that Joey would remain in his room, but instead Joey opened the door and peered out.  
  
"Is she gone now?"  
  
Chandler tensed up and nodded. "Yeah." He tried to look merely angry and disapproving, "You weren't nice to her at all."  
  
Joey frowned sheepishly. "I'm sorry."  
  
"You should have said that to her."  
  
Joey wasn't surprised that Chandler was taking Janice's side, but he couldn't help pouting with disappointment. Feeling like he could cry, Joey went back into his room and curled up on his bed with Hugsy. He wished that he were still asleep, dreaming about some fantasy world where Chandler could love him back.  
  
Chandler didn't say anything else to him that morning, then he left for work.  
  
***  
  
That Monday was Emily's last day in New York, and Ross took the day off from work to take her to the Guggenheim Museum and the Met. They had originally planned to go with Chandler and Janice, but Janice had declined because she was too busy at work to take the day off. The couples did have lunch together, though, and Janice recommended certain paintings that they should see. Ross also had plans to take Emily out for a special romantic dinner that evening, before she had to fly back to England in the morning.  
  
At Bloomingdale's, Rachel saw Joshua and asked if she could be invited to his night club again. She used the opportunity to gloat about her new boyfriend Geoffrey, and Joshua tried not to be jealous about this, but he began to regret turning her down for a date.  
  
Gunther worried that Joey was still mad at him, and wondered if, out of spite, Joey might reveal to Rachel his secret crush in some humiliating way. But he talked to Phoebe, who didn't seem to know anything about a crush on Rachel. Phoebe just kept eating meat and talked about having a sonogram tomorrow.  
  
At work, Chandler tried to reach his mom to ask her if she still had Dr. Meyer's number, but when she finally returned his call, she said no. "Try your father." But Chandler hadn't spoken to his father in years, so he tried to use directory assistance and the internet to find Dr. Meyer instead, but he had no luck there either. Chandler struggled over calling his dad, until he ended up calling Janice to ask her advice.  
  
Janice said that he certainly should get in touch with his father, and asked how long this estrangement had lasted.  
  
Chandler ended up having a long, heartfelt discussion with her about his dad and all the issues they had with each other since the divorce. "He never even spent any time with me as a kid, and yet after he got all settled in Vegas, he finally thinks that we should hang out, and I get dragged over there during the summers and have to dance in his stupid show. As if he hadn't embarrassed me enough at school!"  
  
Janice talked it over with Chandler and got him to realize that Nora had behaved just as badly in terms of neglect and humiliation, yet Chandler still talked to Nora. "Your father may not have known how to, but he was trying to connect with you and make up for the past. Besides, he was probably going through a lot of issues when you were younger. Coming out can be very stressful and difficult, you know. At least he kept making an effort, by trying to call you, write you, and even visit you. You ought to have responded to him."  
  
Chandler remained indecisive, and Janice had to get back to work, so they agreed to talk some more about it later. Janice was happy that she could help Chandler resolve some important issues, even if they didn't involve Joey yet. Maybe they could work their way up to it, then that Dr. Meyer wouldn't be necessary.  
  
***  
  
That evening, Emily came to say goodbye to the gang and to thank Chandler for Janice's art recommendations, then she and Ross left to have dinner at the Plaza. Monica left for her second date with Devon, but Rachel wasn't going out with Geoffrey until tomorrow night, so she had dinner with Phoebe and Chandler.  
  
Joey went out on a date with some woman he met at the coffeehouse. He was trying to get over Chandler, but it didn't work, because he was distracted and kept thinking about how much he missed Chandler and would settle for just playing foosball with him, if Chandler wasn't so mad at him. If only they could be baking banana bread right now, or watching *Die Hard*, or going out to a Knicks game, as they had talked about doing.  
  
Joey's date finally got tired of him not knowing her name, so she left. Joey went home and found that Chandler was alone except for the chick and the duck, but he was on the phone. "But Janice, I don't know how I can forgive him--"  
  
When Joey entered, Chandler looked uncomfortable and took the phone into his bedroom. Joey felt hurt and retired to his room, assuming that Chandler was talking about him.  
  
Actually, Chandler was talking about his father. "I mean, my father abandoned me and my mom for that horrible houseboy. And then it was my piano teacher, Mr. Garibaldi..."  
  
"But how is this any worse than your mother chasing all those younger men? And sending you away to that boarding school? And kissing your friend Ross? If you're still angry with your father, then talk to him and tell him. Let it out. Maybe you'll feel better, even if you learn that you can't forgive him."  
  
***  
  
The next morning, Chandler found that the toilet was clogged, possibly due to all the vomiting that Phoebe had done into it this weekend, so he called Mr. Treeger to come unclog it.  
  
Mr. Treeger was still there when Joey woke up and asked what was going on.  
  
Chandler stared deep into his cereal bowl to avoid Joey's eyes, then mumbled an explanation about the toilet.  
  
Joey wondered whether Chandler had decided to forgive him yet, and he missed Chandler so badly that he wanted to stay and be near him. So Joey took a seat in the living room and turned on the TV with the remote. He must have pressed some weird button, however, because suddenly a new cable channel appeared that they never had before.  
  
Joey was shocked, and even Chandler looked up. "Is that porn?"  
  
"Yeah. I-I don't know what I did. Whoa."  
  
Mr. Treeger finished fixing the toilet and exited the bathroom. "Whoa, hey, that lady's all kinds of naked."  
  
"Yeah, Joey just pressed something on the remote and it just, came on!"  
  
"That happened to me once," Mr. Treeger said, and reminisced about how he lost the porn because he turned off the TV.  
  
After Treeger left, Joey asked Chandler, "Why would he turn off the TV?" and Chandler just shrugged.  
  
At least they were talking to each other now.  
  
The roommates were mesmerized by the porn for so long, that Chandler realized belatedly that he better call in sick to work. He picked up the remote and muted the sound without thinking. Joey panicked for a moment, then realized that they still had the free porn.  
  
After Chandler hung up the phone, he took a seat on his recliner to watch the porn. Besides his merely prurient interest in the explicit sex, he wanted to watch because he hoped that it would reinforce his heterosexuality and help him to stop fantasizing about Joey. Chandler still hadn't found Dr. Meyer after all, so maybe a few hours of porn could rid him of his dreams about Joey.  
  
Joey ate some breakfast and fed the birds before returning to his own recliner. He similarly thought that the porn would help him get over Chandler, by reminding him of all the hot, casual sex he regularly had with women. So Joey leaned back and watched, wondering if he should risk un-muting the TV.  
  
"Hey, it's a threesome," Chandler remarked when another woman came into the picture.  
  
"Yeah," Joey said. He saw Chandler out of the corner of his eye and noticed that Chandler was starting to look flushed and breathless. Joey dragged his eyes back to the TV screen, but minutes later, his gaze wandered back to his roommate.  
  
Chandler was so near him, and so hot, and he was even discreetly reaching under his robe to touch himself. Joey ached to touch him and kiss him, but knew that he had to resist these impulses.  
  
Joey gulped and closed his eyes. If he just listened to Chandler's sighs and moans, he could pretend they were having sex right now. Joey reached under his own robe too and bit his lip, to keep from speaking Chandler's name. They moved closer and closer to a climax until Joey suddenly realized that he couldn't hear Chandler anymore. He opened his eyes and saw Chandler scurry into his bedroom and shut the door.  
  
Maybe he had noticed Joey and became uncomfortable being so close to him while aroused. Joey felt anxious and disappointed, until he heard Chandler in the bedroom, crying out in ecstasy. Well, apparently Chandler wasn't uncomfortable enough to stop what he was doing. Joey decided to retreat to his bedroom as well, but he left the TV on in the living room. He pictured Chandler while he finished off, then he just lay there and tried to tell himself that he wouldn't ever do this again.  
  
Throughout that day, even after they'd dressed, the guys were afraid to turn off the porn, because after all it was free and they didn't want to lose it like Treeger did, but they were tense because watching so much porn inevitably left them aroused and in need of release. They couldn't work out a proper etiquette of whether they should leave the living room at a certain point or try to unmute the TV so they could stay in their bedrooms the whole time.  
  
Monica and Rachel came over for lunch, and they complained about the porn, but the guys told them it was their apartment and their TV. So the women left, muttering that if this kept up, they'd never convince Joey and Chandler to switch the apartments back.  
  
Chandler locked their front door for privacy, then returned to his recliner as Joey turned on the sound again. So they got sucked into another porn movie, this one called *In and Out, and In Again*. Chandler recalled a normal movie with a similar title, but it referred to being in and out of the closet. He wondered if this porn movie would be gay or straight, before he realized that the premise of this porn flick was that the protagonist wanted to have lots of sex with women in order to prove that he wasn't gay. In retaliation, the protagonist's fiancée went out to have lots of sex with men and women, all while wearing her white wedding dress, perhaps to be ironic. The movie escalated into an erotic contest of sorts, until suddenly a handsome male character came on the scene, whom they were sure was going to bed the fiancée next.  
  
Chandler remarked, "Hey, doesn't that guy look like Richard a little? Without his moustache."  
  
Joey nodded in agreement.  
  
They gasped when the handsome man suddenly grabbed the protagonist and kissed him deeply, apparently to test whether he was really straight. The scene ended with the two men sinking passionately into each other's arms, then the porn shifted back to the fiancée, who decided that she would never get married and would be a happy slut. Cue orgy.  
  
Joey and Chandler were both shocked by this gay kiss. They supposed that it might have been thrown in just for humor, but it made them so self-conscious that they didn't pay attention to the orgy at all.  
  
Chandler blushed and gulped, remembering his dream where Joey had kissed him just like that. Meanwhile, Joey finally lost his self control and came over to Chandler's recliner. Joey grabbed him and firmly kissed his lips.  
  
"Joey!" Chandler was stunned, but he closed his eyes and passionately returned the kiss.  
  
Joey felt quite happy and relieved, embracing Chandler and slipping his tongue into his mouth. 


	25. Setbacks and Negotiation

"Oh God, Joe..." Chandler sighed and felt almost intoxicated in Joey's arms. What Joey was doing to him now was far more erotic than anything happening on the TV.  
  
Joey was kissing Chandler's neck and unbuttoning his shirt, while pressing them against the recliner. They could still hear the urgent groaning and cheesy porn music in the background, but Joey enjoyed hearing Chandler's breathless moans far more, because they made him feel that Chandler loved him, not Janice.  
  
Joey had never had sex with a guy before, but he figured that he could learn to adapt with a little time and hands-on exploration. All he wanted right now was just to be this close to Chandler and feel his racing pulse.  
  
Chandler ran his fingers through Joey's hair and became worried that he was just dreaming or fantasizing again, as he had done for the past week. He whispered, "Pinch me, so I know that this is real."  
  
Joey grinned and tweaked Chandler's right nipple, triggering a startled gasp from him. "Is that what you had in mind?"  
  
Without a word, Chandler grabbed Joey and fiercely devoured his warm, wet mouth again. Joey got very hot and pressed his growing erection against Chandler's thigh.  
  
Chandler reached down to tentatively grope Joey through his jeans, asking him, "Are you, are you going commando, Joe?"  
  
Joey nodded and lightly fondled Chandler's groin in return. Then he wondered, "Hey, how come you're not scared anymore, Chandler? When I kissed you last week after the Knicks game, you pushed me off and went into your room, remember?"  
  
"Yeah, I know. Actually, um, that night I had a dream about you, Joey."  
  
"Yeah?" Joey met his eyes curiously.  
  
Chandler nodded and confessed quietly, "We were in bed together, and I said I was sorry. And you kissed my cheek again and said you loved me. I kissed you back, and then all of the sudden we were making out and getting naked."  
  
"Whoa!"  
  
"That's why I couldn't look at you the next morning, Joe, 'cause the dream scared me so much. And since then, I've been having more dreams like that."  
  
"You have? Why didn't you tell me, Chandler?"  
  
"Well, 'cause I was all freaking out about being gay like my dad. Besides, I thought you were straight, Joe. I mean, all those women you've slept with."  
  
"Oh, right." Joey hugged him reassuringly. "Yeah, it's weird, 'cause I think I still like girls, or at least the ones in all the porn today. But I don't know." He shrugged and caressed Chandler's cheek tenderly. "With you, it's different somehow. It's like, it doesn't matter that you're a guy, because you're my best friend and you're special to me. Before, I thought I just loved you like a brother, but now I know it's more than that. I get jealous about you, and I want you so much. We belong together, Chandler, and I love you."  
  
Chandler was touched by his words. "I love you too."  
  
Joey smiled and kissed him happily. "Good. So now you can dump Janice and be with me."  
  
"What?" Chandler blinked and sat up. "Dump Janice?"  
  
"Yeah," Joey nodded and looked forward to getting rid of her at last. "Maybe today or tomorrow you can meet her and tell her it's over. If you're scared to do it again, I'll help you break up with her."  
  
"No!" Chandler objected strongly. "No, I don't wanna dump her. I love her!"  
  
Joey pouted. "But you just said you loved me."  
  
"I do, but I love her too. She's my soulmate."  
  
Joey got angry and couldn't believe that Chandler was still clinging to that word. "No, she's not! She's just some pushy ex-girlfriend that doesn't know when to let you go. You just fell for her again, 'cause you were scared of dying alone and everything. But you don't need Janice anymore, Chandler! You got me."  
  
"No, I need her, Joe! I still love her." He felt very upset that Joey would either forget or dismiss how sincere and deep his feelings were for Janice. After all, Chandler had told him why he loved her so much just before this weekend. "We met on the internet, you know, and then again at the salon. It's fate. Meant to be."  
  
Joey looked hurt. "What about us, Chandler? What are you doing kissing me now, huh?"  
  
Chandler swallowed and touched his arm. "Well, you kissed me, Joe, and I-I couldn't help it. I told you, I've been dreaming about you lately."  
  
"So you should be with me, then," Joey insisted. "Don't you want to?"  
  
Chandler nodded, but looked torn. "Yeah, but--but I can't just leave Janice."  
  
Joey let go of him and sat on the other recliner, looking sad. "What do you want to do, then? You can't have both of us, Chandler. You gotta choose somebody. Do you love her more than me?"  
  
Chandler shook his head and struggled to define his feelings. "No, I-I love both of you, Joe, but in different ways. I don't know how to explain. When I'm with her... but then I'm with you..."  
  
Joey wanted to cut to the point, so he grabbed Chandler and kissed him very emotionally. "I love you, Chandler. I mean it, and I don't wanna lose you now. Not to her, not to anybody. Please give us a chance."  
  
Chandler couldn't say no to him, but he couldn't take this impossible choice either. So he recalled Janice's shocking suggestion and reluctantly told Joey about it. "Well... well, Janice said that, that it could work out if she saw me on the weekends and you and me were together when she's not here."  
  
"What?" Joey was quite confused. "Janice said--? Wait, what does Janice know about this? We just kissed today."  
  
"But I've been dreaming about you for a week, and I told Janice about it--"  
  
"You did?" He was shocked and wondered why they hadn't broken up already.  
  
Chandler said, "I was scared to tell her at first, you know, but she sensed that something was wrong because I kept begging her to come have sex with me and fix me. So then I told her I was having gay dreams, and she made me feel a lot better about it. The first time, she said that the dreams didn't mean anything and she'd love me even if I was bi. The second time, she said that maybe I loved you, and we could arrange for you and me to be together sometimes." Seeing Joey's incredulous look, he nodded. "Yeah, I know it sounds very weird, and I told her it wouldn't work because you're straight, but--but I guess I was wrong about that." He touched Joey's hand and hoped that this compromise would satisfy Joey enough to stop asking Chandler to dump Janice.  
  
Joey just frowned and stared at him. "Let me get this straight: you--you want me to be some kind of... mistress?"  
  
Chandler nervously laughed at this absurdity and shrugged. "I-I don't know what you'd call it. Some kind of sharing thing I guess. Maybe like a threesome, but I don't know if you'd ever want to sleep with her too."  
  
Joey cringed at the very idea and pulled away from Chandler.  
  
"Sorry," Chandler said, and wasn't surprised. It did disappoint him, however, to know that Joey found her so repulsive, when Chandler (and Phoebe as well) thought Janice was beautiful and wonderful.  
  
Joey remained bewildered and tried to puzzle things out. "Why would Janice be all right with something like that? Is she just desperate to hang onto you because being a single mother makes it hard for her to date? Or--oh, is she trying to set up some situation so that she can cheat on you while you're busy? I knew you shouldn't trust her, Chandler!"  
  
"No!" Chandler took great offense. "No, she loves me! How could you say that about her? I told you to stop being mean about her!"  
  
"Hey, she's the one who kissed Gary behind your back!"  
  
"She said she was sorry for that, and she's never gonna do it again! Janice loves me, and I trust her."  
  
"Why?" Joey scoffed bitterly. "'Cause she's your soulmate and your destiny? Well, what if you're wrong about that, huh? What if it's me you're supposed to be with?" He choked up sadly. "Why won't you trust me?"  
  
Chandler could see how hurt Joey felt, and he spoke gently. "I do, but not about Janice. You're biased with her, because you hate her. But she doesn't hate you, Joe. She likes you, and she's willing to let us be together. Why can't you be happy about this and accept her?"  
  
"Happy?!" Joey was outraged. "You expect me to be happy, that she's your soulmate and I'm some--some extra fling on the side? Some nobody that you fool around with, but who doesn't mean as much to you as your damn girlfriend!"  
  
"But you--"  
  
"I love you, Chandler," Joey interrupted, with tears in his eyes. "I kissed you, and I told you how I feel, and how we belong together. But it's not enough for you, and you don't wanna get rid of her. I mean, you're always telling me how I should settle down and not cheat on girls because it's wrong, but just because Janice says it's okay, you go along with it. How could you do that? You didn't like that Aurora girl stringing you along with all those other guys, did you, huh?"  
  
"No, but--but I didn't mean it like that, Joe. I'm sorry. It wasn't even my idea. It's just, I didn't know what else to do. I never thought you'd want me and love me like this."  
  
"Well I do, Chandler. I do now. I don't want Janice, and I don't want only half of you. I get jealous every time you're with her, and I can't stand it. It's her or me." Joey kissed him again and pleaded with him. "If you pick me, I promise I won't cheat on you. I love you so much and I'll change for you. But you gotta promise too. You have to end it with her."  
  
Chandler could see Joey's point, and he struggled to make some decision, but he couldn't bear the thought of losing either of them. "But--but I can't choose, Joe! I love you both equally, and I don't know how to--"  
  
Joey pushed him away and wouldn't listen to any more of this. "No, what you're saying is that you won't leave her for me. You pick her! Well, fine! I hope you're happy together!" Then Joey got up and went into his bedroom, slamming the door.  
  
"Joey!" Chandler ran after him and tried the door, but it was locked. He knocked and begged for Joey to open it. "Joey, I love you! I do. Please, can't we talk about it? Can't you give me more time to decide, Joe, to make a list or...?" But then he remembered the disastrous results of Ross's list between Julie and Rachel, so he scrapped that idea. "Can't we work something out, Joe? There's got to be some way to make it work. Please?"  
  
Joey wouldn't answer him at all, and the only noise he heard was the sound of muffled crying on his bed, probably muffled by Hugsy.  
  
Chandler started crying too, and he knelt in front of Joey's door, clinging to it desperately. After more begging and knocking, he reluctantly gave up and slunk away.  
  
Returning to the living room, he turned off the TV with the remote and reached for the phone, not even caring if they'd lost the porn forever. He felt terribly lost and alone, so he called Janice for comfort and reassurance.  
  
When Janice picked up the phone at work, Chandler spoke to her miserably, "Janice! Janice, it's awful! Horrible!"  
  
"Chandler? What's wrong, honey?"  
  
Chandler could barely hold back his tears. "He, he kissed me, and I love him, and--Oh God! It's a disaster!" He broke down wretchedly.  
  
"What happened?" Janice asked. "Did you have another dream about Joey?"  
  
"No, no, it wasn't a dream this time." He gulped and tried to be clearer. "We--we found some free porn on our TV today, and I stayed home from work. We were watching together, and then, then he suddenly grabbed me and kissed me hard."  
  
She sounded pleased. "That's wonderful. I told you he loved you, Bing-a-ling. But then what happened? Did he back off and try to deny it?" She could imagine either Chandler or Joey getting defensive and scared about being gay. Chandler's tears made it sound like it ended very badly indeed.  
  
"No," Chandler moaned unhappily. "He said he loved me, and I told him I love him too. It felt so good," he sighed and ached to have Joey's arms around him again. "But then he told me that I should break up with you for him, and I couldn't! I couldn't, Janice!"  
  
"Oh my. I can't believe he'd say that. Is he really that angry with me?"  
  
"He said he's jealous and I can't have both of you. So I-I told him your idea about, about sharing, and he didn't like that at all."  
  
"Why not? Because it was my idea?"  
  
"I don't know. It's just--he said it was like cheating. Like he was just an affair on the side, and he didn't mean as much to me as you. He said it was wrong, and I had to choose one way or the other."  
  
"Really? Who would have thought that Joey Tribbiani would get hung up on morals?"  
  
Chandler answered, "Well he does, sometimes. He does. Like, he was the one who told me that I should step aside for you and Gary."  
  
"What? I thought you did that because your family split up when you were a kid."  
  
"Yeah, but Joey helped me see it that way. He said, you and Gary are like a family and if there's a chance you can work it out, then I shouldn't stand in the way."  
  
Janice absorbed that and asked skeptically, "Are you sure he just didn't want to get rid of me, if he's so jealous of us?"  
  
"Well, maybe, but Joey does believe in family and love and everything. When he found out his dad was cheating on his mom for six years, and he tried to make it right, but his mom already knew about the mistress and didn't mind it. They just went back to the way it was, and Joey didn't like it, but he couldn't convince them to stop either. Since then, he just tries to pretend that he doesn't know about it, and he talked about how he wanted to be better than his dad when he got married."  
  
"That's nice, but it's easier said than done," Janice pointed out. "And his record with his girlfriends doesn't exactly inspire confidence."  
  
"But he didn't love those girls," Chandler said. "They didn't mean anything to him, so he didn't care enough to be faithful. But he said he loved me, and he wouldn't cheat on me if I picked him."  
  
"And you trust him?"  
  
Chandler swallowed and nodded, recalling the sincere look in Joey's eyes. "Yes. Yes, I do."  
  
"Well, if you say so, honey. But if it were me, I'd keep an eye on him until he'd proved himself for a while. But what did you say to Joey, and where is he now?"  
  
"He's in his room. He locked me out because I couldn't choose between you and him." Chandler felt hopeless and heartbroken. "I-I think he hates me now."  
  
"Oh, honey! No, he doesn't. Shh, it's all right. This is just a temporary setback. I'm sure we can get through to him. Maybe I can talk to him and tell him to not be so possessive."  
  
"No, he wouldn't listen to you." Chandler finally told her the truth. "He hates you."  
  
"Oh, he's just mad about this weekend--"  
  
"No, Janice. He hates you. He said all these mean things about you cheating on me with Gary, and how I shouldn't trust you."  
  
Janice was indignant. "The nerve of him! How ungrateful! After how nice I've tried to be to him, and how hard it is to not be jealous about you loving him so much... I've a good mind to lecture him about all the cheating he's done!"  
  
"No! No, don't make it worse," Chandler begged her. "Leave it alone." He sighed and shook his head in despair and resignation. "Maybe I should just give up. It can't really work, and it was a dumb idea to begin with. I should--should pretend nothing ever happened, or..." He wept and mumbled incoherently about how he should find Dr. Meyer, or failing that, try to find some new psychiatrist that he could trust with these painful confessions.  
  
Janice could hear how miserable he was, and she could well imagine him berating and torturing himself with guilt for weeks, months, perhaps even years afterward, when he hadn't done anything wrong, except fall in love with his best friend.  
  
"No, honey, please don't talk like that!" she insisted. "Please, sweetie, just let me try to change Joey's mind. I'll be nice, I promise. I just, I have to show him what this is doing to you, and if he loves you like I do, then he'll realize that he can't live without you, and he can't bear to see you so unhappy either. I can convince him--"  
  
"He wouldn't listen," Chandler said.  
  
"We'll see about that. Now, um, first I'll have to see if somebody can cover for me at work, or else I'll have to wait until this evening, and I'll get a babysitter for Ruthie, so I can come over and talk some sense into Joey."  
  
"Janice, don't bother. It wouldn't do any good. But just--just come see me, please. Or let me stay at your place tonight?"  
  
"I will, sweetie, I will," she assured him tenderly. "But you just wait at your place for me, okay? And don't let Joey storm out again or anything. I have to try to talk to him, just once. I'll tell him how much you love him, and how he's getting the better deal because he gets to live with you and see you more during the week than me. I'll tell him that every ounce of your love is precious, and he shouldn't waste any more time on fighting. Then he'll realize how stubborn he's being."  
  
Chandler doubted it, but he couldn't protest again because Janice had to get off the phone in a hurry.  
  
"See you soon, Chandler. I love you."  
  
"I love you." Chandler reluctantly hung up, stared longingly at Joey's bedroom door, then went to his own bedroom to cry. 


	26. Just the Two of Us

[Sorry, Serena, but the ending of this story has been decided since chapter 1, when Janice is Chandler's wife and they have three incomes. I do like stories where it's just Joey and Chandler alone, but I wanted to try something different this time and explore what it might take to make Joey like Janice.  
  
However, I don't want to be hard on Joey, nor suggest that he's unreasonable to want Chandler all to himself. After all, in real life, most people (even bisexual people) want to have committed, monogamous relationships with their lovers, and it's only in certain situations that some people end up in happy, three-way relationships like Joey's dad has with Gloria and Ronni. For this reason, I've now decided to take a temporary detour before we reach our final destination, so this story has now expanded by a few more chapters.]  
  
-  
  
-  
  
That afternoon, Joey's angry and frustrated tears finally subsided when he wore himself out. As he sat up on his bed and began to compose himself, he clutched Hugsy and wondered what Chandler could possibly see in Janice, that he refused to give her up. Joey liked girls too, but he was willing to give them up for Chandler's sake.  
  
What was so great about Janice that could possibly outweigh all her incredibly annoying traits, let alone the inconvenience of her having a young daughter that took up much of her time and energy? Surely Joey could offer Chandler far more than Janice could? But as Joey pondered that, he remembered Chandler's earlier words about how smart, beautiful, and caring she was, and suddenly everything became clear to him.  
  
With a pout, Joey got up from the bed and unlocked his door at last. He went over to Chandler's bedroom and saw Chandler curled up on the bed, still sobbing miserably. So Joey approached the bed and whispered, "Chandler?"  
  
Chandler turned around and looked at him through his tears. "Joey?" He was surprised and wondered whether Joey had changed his mind about Janice.  
  
Joey lay down beside him and hugged him close, whispering, "I love you."  
  
"I love you." Chandler clung to his arms and kissed him with great relief. "I-I thought you hated me now."  
  
"No, I don't." Joey shook his head and gently kissed away Chandler's tears. It was Janice that he hated, and he blamed her for coming back after all this time, and for convincing Chandler that they were soulmates. In his heart, Joey felt certain that Chandler belonged with him, not her. He held Chandler for a moment longer, then pulled back and met his eyes seriously. "Chandler, am I... am I not smart enough for you? Is that it?"  
  
"What?" Chandler blinked.  
  
"You know." Joey frowned and felt inferior. "You like talking to Janice about books, and art, and college junk. That's why you wanna be with her, isn't it? Because I'm too dumb."  
  
Chandler was shocked and tried to protest, but Joey covered his mouth and continued, "I know that I never went to college or anything, but if I tried to be smarter, Chandler, if I read some books and stuff, would you forget about Janice and be with me? Please?"  
  
"Joey," Chandler shook his head and caressed his cheek. "That's got nothing to do with it. You're not too dumb--"  
  
Joey didn't believe him. "Then why'd you buy me that word-of-the-day toilet paper, huh? And how come you make all those jokes about me being stupid?"  
  
Realizing how thoughtless he'd been, Chandler felt bad now, and he hugged Joey with remorse. "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry. I just--I tease everybody like that, Joe. I can't help it. I mean, you guys make fun of me too, about me being a loser and all."  
  
"I know, and I'm sorry." He kissed Chandler and stroked his hair tenderly. "Maybe I go too far, but it's just 'cause sometimes you look at me like I'm so dumb, you can't believe that you're even friends with me."  
  
"I didn't mean to--"  
  
"And you like doing geeky things with Ross too, and sometimes the gang will all be talking about college junk or making smart jokes, and I'll just nod along even though I don't get it. I even bought an encyclopedia once so I could learn some stuff, but nobody wanted to talk about volcanoes or anything that starts with V. I read all that for nothing!"  
  
Chandler's eyes widened, and he recalled a puzzling incident from a few months ago. "Wait! That's why you kept trying to talk about volcanoes and vivisection and Vietnam?"  
  
"Yeah, but you guys only wanted to talk about Korea, and history, and whatever." He pouted. "It's not fair. I mean, I went to high school and Phoebe didn't, but somehow she's still smarter than me about stuff!"  
  
"Oh, Joe!" Chandler kissed him again and tried to reassure him. "Don't worry about that. That's nothing. It was just some documentary that we watched on TV one night. Anybody can watch TV and talk about stuff."  
  
"I guess." Joey shrugged, but still felt insecure. "But you seemed really interested in it, Chandler. Not bored like we get whenever Ross starts lecturing about dinosaurs and science. You were joking and laughing, and I felt so left out. It's like, you know, when Kate was dating that snooty director and acting like I wasn't good enough for her. I tried to be smarter and sophisticated, but she kept rejecting me until it was too late. Can't you just give me a chance, please? I can--"  
  
"Joey," Chandler interrupted him, "you don't have to impress me. I'm not some snob like Kate. I love you just the way you are. I love it when we're just hanging out, you know, drinking beers and watching sports. I love playing foosball with you, and making a mess with Hammer Darts, and giving the birds a bath. I love having someone to watch cartoons, and *Baywatch*, and *Die Hard* with. Sure, maybe I do talk about intellectual stuff with other people sometimes, but you're the one that I relax with and have fun with. I love you." Chandler kissed him tenderly.  
  
Joey was touched by his sincerity, but remained sad. "But what about Janice, then? Why do you love her more than me?"  
  
"I don't, Joe. I love you both equally."  
  
"No one loves two people equally!" Joey insisted. "It's like how parents secretly have a favorite kid, even though they deny it, or how people have best friends that are closer than their regular friends. It's like with eggs. You always like one kind more than another."  
  
Chandler frowned and remembered how jealous Joey had gotten over Eddie cooking him eggs. He could certainly say now that he liked Joey far more than Eddie, but a comparison of Joey and Janice wasn't so clear-cut for him. "I-I-I don't know what to tell you, Joe. I can't choose between you and Janice."  
  
"Then I gotta help you make up your mind," Joey concluded. "I gotta show you that you don't need her, Chandler. You got me, and that's enough. I can be smarter--"  
  
"I don't want you to change--"  
  
"I want to," Joey told him firmly. "I wanna be closer to you, Chandler. I wanna share everything with you and be able to get all your jokes, you know? I mean, I already learned from that toilet paper you gave me, right? And I learned from that encyclopedia, so maybe if you bought me the rest of the alphabet, I could get somewhere."  
  
Chandler felt flattered by Joey's repeated offers, but shook his head. "You don't have to go to all that trouble for me, Joe."  
  
"I don't mind. It's like, me teaching you how to cook stuff the other night, and we had so much fun, you know? So maybe I should learn about the stuff that you're interested in and we can share some more stuff. It can't be that hard. Remember how I liked reading that scary book, *The Shining*, and Rachel's book *Little Women*? Well, if you picked out some other books for me, maybe I could read them and like them too. Hey, what's that book that the wizard guy's nickname came from?"  
  
"You mean Gandalf from *The Lord of The Rings*? No, I think that's a little too advanced for you, Joey."  
  
Joey looked hurt. "You think I'm too dumb?"  
  
"No, no!" Chandler reassured him. "It's just--it's just a really long story, Joe, and it's kind of geeky and out there, with all these imaginary creatures and made up languages. I guess it's a little bit like *Star Trek*, with the aliens and the Klingon language. I don't think you'd be interested."  
  
Joey considered that, but didn't want to give up just yet. Chandler and Ross had read this book in high school, after all, and Joey had been to high school. "Well, how long is it exactly?"  
  
"It's a trilogy, Joe. Three huge books."  
  
"You mean like the *Godfather*?"  
  
Chandler shrugged. "Kinda. Hey, maybe you wanna read the books that the *Godfather* movies were based on?"  
  
"Yeah," Joey nodded and looked excited. He hugged and kissed Chandler again. "We can read them together, and like, put them in the freezer when we get to the scary parts."  
  
Chandler smiled and found Joey sweet and adorable. "Sure."  
  
Then Joey asked him quietly, "So if we do that, if I get smart enough for you, will you break up with Janice?"  
  
Chandler's smile faded, and he felt torn again. "Joe, it's not how smart you are. I love you. But I love Janice too."  
  
"Why?" Joey pouted. "Why can't it be just us?"  
  
Chandler sighed and tried to explain. "I just--I don't wanna lose her, Joe. Not again, when I finally got her back from Gary. I'm happy with her, and she makes me feel so good about myself. Like I'm better than just some lame data processor who makes too many jokes and has rotten luck with women. I mean, how you feel dumb sometimes, that's how I feel when you and the gang make jokes about how pathetic I am and how girls would rather have you any day."  
  
"I'm sorry, Chandler." Joey kissed his cheek apologetically. "I'll make it up to you, I promise, and I'll tell them all to lay off. Besides, even Phoebe's being nicer now."  
  
"I know." Chandler nodded and shrugged. "But with Janice, it doesn't even matter what anybody else says about me, 'cause she loves me anyway. Even though I had three nipples and a cut off toe, she treated me like I was sexy and perfect. It was like when Julie said that some cultures like third nipples, and the women dance naked around you. When I told her, Janice actually did that for me. I can tell her all my fantasies without her laughing at me or calling me a pig, and she's not offended by all my porn either. She'll even look at the naked chicks with me and tell me stories about how she did lesbian stuff in college."  
  
"What? Really?" Joey was shocked.  
  
"Yeah, it's so hot." Chandler wondered if he ought to mention the threesome with Phoebe this past weekend, but considering that Joey was so fiercely jealous of Janice, he decided against it. "She's incredible. I mean, I told her about my gay dreams, you know, and she was really understanding about that. She's so great."  
  
For once, Joey felt at a disadvantage sexually. "Well, fine, but you don't need her anymore, Chandler. If you're with me, I'll treat you real nice and special too. I'll learn how to do everything you wanna do, and, uh, tell you stories about threesomes I had with girls, and whatever else you want. You know I like watching porn with you, and we could do lots of sexy stuff."  
  
"It's not just sex, Joe," Chandler said. "It's love. She really cares about me, and Janice is the only one that I can talk to about some things."  
  
"What things?" Joey asked. "And why can't you talk to me about that stuff? It's not just some college junk, is it?"  
  
"No, it's just, um... well, it's stuff like my job. You guys don't listen anymore when I complain about work, and Rachel and Monica don't even know what my job is. I mean, I don't really blame you guys for getting bored, 'cause it bores me too, and I think about quitting all the time. But I can't do that, 'cause then how would I take care of you, Joe? So I'm stuck."  
  
Joey was surprised. "What? You don't wanna quit because of me? I didn't stop you from quitting the last time."  
  
"Well, it's different now. We've got the birds now, and all the new furniture. I gotta keep working and build up my savings all over again, 'cause I spent it all."  
  
"You really spent your whole savings account on our new stuff? I thought you were joking! Man, you shouldn't have done that."  
  
Chandler shrugged with indifference derived from his wealthy, but very unhappy, childhood. "It was just money. You're more important."  
  
"Aw, Chandler!" Joey kissed him lovingly. "Thanks, but don't worry about me. If you really wanna quit again, then just do it. We'll find some way to pay the bills. Like, you could get one of those tour guide jobs at Ross's museum, and I bet you'd pronounce all those dinosaur words real easy. And I could take another waiter job, I guess. You know, I made a lot of tips working at Monica's restaurant, and it was fun to try out my cool work nickname. I was 'Dragon'!"  
  
Chandler laughed and thought this was a big improvement over Joey's character, Joseph the processor. He found Joey's optimism delightful and charming. "That could be fun."  
  
"Sure, and it doesn't have to be forever. Just until you figure out what your dream job is, and then you can go after that, like when Rachel quit waitressing for fashion. We'll be okay, and who knows, maybe I'll get my big break soon and become rich and famous." He grinned. "Then I can take care of you."  
  
Chandler smiled and hugged him happily. "I can't believe that I was scared to talk about this with you."  
  
"Yeah, see? You can tell me stuff. I'll listen. What else do you talk about with Janice?"  
  
Chandler hesitated because they had reached more private topics. "Well, it's like when I told her that I was dreaming about you, and I didn't want anybody else to know. And, um, I thought about calling up my dad, too, and she let me vent about all the scarring stuff I went through when I was growing up."  
  
"But you told us about that already," Joey said. "About your mom, and your dad, and Thanksgiving, and you smoking since their divorce..."  
  
"No, but, I didn't tell you guys everything. There's plenty more trauma that I didn't share."  
  
"Really?" Joey asked Chandler to tell him about it, but Chandler was reluctant to do so. Joey pouted and couldn't understand why Chandler would tell Janice these things, but not him. "You said you loved us both the same."  
  
So Chandler gave in, and he went into his closet to get out the stuff at the back, underneath his gym bag. There was a photo album containing many pictures from his childhood, and they looked through them together as Chandler explained in detail how freakishly abnormal his family life was. At the back, there were a few old letters from Mr. Bing, and Joey asked about these curiously. Chandler confessed that he'd stopped talking to his dad soon after he got his first job and could support himself. Since then, Mr. Bing had tried to call him, write him, and visit him, but Chandler never responded.  
  
Joey was shocked. "What? That's why you never went home for Thanksgiving and holidays? 'Cause your mom was traveling somewhere, and you didn't talk to your dad anymore?"  
  
"Yeah. He invited me to Vegas a lot, but I didn't wanna see him or hang out with all his 'business associates' anymore."  
  
"That's terrible!"  
  
"Joey, I told you how awful it was when I was growing up. I just didn't wanna deal with it anymore."  
  
"But still, Chandler, it's been ten years. Ten years you've cut him out of your life. I would never do that to my family, even when I was all mad at my dad for cheating on my mom. And I'm still mad at him when he lies and spends the holidays with his mistress, like we don't know what he's doing."  
  
"Well, how would you feel if your dad abandoned your family, and moved away, and turned into a big, old drag queen?"  
  
Joey grimaced and tried to imagine it. "Well, of course I'd be upset, you know, and yell at him a lot. And tell him to quit drinking and making me hang out with all those weird guys I don't know. And definitely not be in his show. But I'd still talk to him, I guess, 'cause if I don't, then maybe he'd forget about his responsibility to his family."  
  
Chandler shrugged and still didn't want to confront his dad. He was bad at confrontations, and this rift had built up to giant proportions, even worse than his confrontation with his mother after she kissed Ross.  
  
Joey unfolded the letters and started to read them to himself. As he did, he came across lines where Mr. Bing apologized for many unpleasant incidents in Chandler's childhood, and Joey pointed these out to Chandler. "And here, it says, 'When you stopped speaking to me, it was a wake up call. So I quit drinking and I've made some changes.'" Another letter announced that he'd had been sober for a year now, and that after all the hedonistic parties and orgies, he had managed to settle down with one of his lovers. Mr. Bing invited Chandler to their wedding, "although I won't invite your mother, since I know our bitter fights upset you so much."  
  
Chandler's heart finally began to melt, and he felt especially guilty when his father confessed that much of his previous unwholesome behavior had stemmed from his unhappiness with Nora and his trying to drown out the heartache of losing his first love, his best friend of many years, who had been the best man at the wedding. Both he and Nora had slept with him within hours of the ceremony. "I am not sure whether you remember walking in on the three of us in bed once, when you were younger. Nora and I tried to share him for a while, but eventually it all deteriorated into jealousy and spite and bickering. When he left me, I was a wreck and stayed that way for a long time. I am very sorry for the past, Chandler, but I've put my life back together, and I hope you will let me be a better father to you now."  
  
"Whoa." Joey was shocked.  
  
Chandler sat up and read the letter himself. He hadn't known that his parents' marriage was that complicated. He'd always assumed that the houseboy was the principal reason for their divorce, but perhaps it was only the last straw in a long history of troubles.  
  
Joey looked worried. "They 'shared' him? You don't think that--? Would that ever happen to my mom and dad? I don't want them to divorce!"  
  
"I know, Joe." Chandler hugged him comfortingly. "I-I don't want it to happen to us either." He gulped and imagined how terrible things might get between him, Janice, and Joey.  
  
Joey clung to him and asked, "So... what will you do?"  
  
Chandler met Joey's eyes and bit his lip unhappily, but he finally nodded and said, "I'll--I'll break up with Janice."  
  
Joey was thrilled by this decision, and he covered Chandler in joyful kisses.  
  
Chandler kissed him back, but was terribly sad about his decision. He didn't want to lose Janice, but he didn't want to follow in his parents' disastrous footsteps, either. Maybe it was for the best to just let Janice go and allow her to have a normal family life with Ruthie and someone else. Would that someone else be a guy? Or maybe Phoebe?  
  
Joey just kept whispering to him, "I love you, I love you."  
  
[In TOW The Proposal, Chandler tells Monica and Richard that "I once walked in on both my parents making love to the same guy." In the uncut version of TOW Monica and Chandler's Wedding, there is an exchange between Nora and Charles Bing, where they each confess to sleeping with the best man. The rest, I just made up.] 


	27. What Janice Has To Say About It

In bed, Joey was still kissing Chandler and trying to comfort him about his uneasy decision to break up with Janice, when there came a knock on their front door. They ignored it at first, since it was probably just their friends wanting to hang out, and they would rather be alone right now.  
  
But when no one answered her knock, Janice called out, "Hello? Chandler?"  
  
Joey was surprised to hear her voice, and Chandler belatedly remembered, "I-I called her before, Joe, and she said she was going to come over here to try talking you into that sharing thing."  
  
"Oh. Huh." Joey frowned with disapproval and disbelief. "You mean you told her everything? Even us kissing?"  
  
Chandler nodded, realizing that Joey still found it weird that Chandler felt comfortable telling Janice such things. "Yeah, I did."  
  
Joey shrugged and tried not to dwell on his jealousy about their close connection. Chandler had promised to end it, after all. "Well, uh, what--what do you wanna tell her now, Chandler? Do you wanna talk to her, as long as she's here, or maybe wait until you feel ready?"  
  
"No," Chandler sat up and tried to be brave, "no, there's no point in dragging it out. I-I think I'm ready now."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yeah." Chandler took a deep breath, then got up from the bed and went to answer the front door.  
  
Joey followed after him, believing that Chandler would need some help. He'd always needed moral support from a friend whenever he broke up with Janice before, and the unique circumstances this time would make breaking up all the more difficult.  
  
Janice was getting worried out in the hallway; she wondered where Chandler could be, and why the apartment door was locked. Had he and Joey both left before she could get here? She wished that she could have got off work earlier to confront Joey, but she hadn't been able to manage it.  
  
When Chandler finally unlocked and opened the door, Janice was relieved and started to give him a big hug and a kiss, but Chandler backed away from her and wore an odd, guilty expression on his face.  
  
"Bing-a-ling? What's the matter?" But then she noticed Joey standing behind Chandler and guessed that Chandler just didn't want to inflame Joey's jealousy. "Oh, never mind. I get it." So Janice took off her coat and started to enter the living room. "Well, you're just the person I wanted to see, Joey. From what Chandler's told me on the phone, we all definitely need to discuss our little situation here." Clearing her throat firmly, she sat on the couch and motioned for Joey to sit too.  
  
Chandler silently shut the door again and felt horrible already at the thought of having to break Janice's heart. She was his soulmate, and he still loved her.  
  
Janice continued obliviously, "Now, I know that apparently you hate me again, Joey, but I'm sure that we can work through our differences, just like with our Day of Fun, remember? The important thing is that we both love Chandler, and I know that we can reach some compromise to please everybody, okay?"  
  
Joey folded his arms and glared at her, shocked that she seemed so matter-of-fact about her proposed compromise.  
  
Janice put her hands on her hips and rolled her eyes. "Well, it's not like you're a stranger to threesomes, Joey! This arrangement isn't all that different--"  
  
Interrrupting her, Chandler gulped and sat down next to her. "Um, Janice, wait. I-I have to tell you something."  
  
"What is it, honey?" She turned to him with concern and complete ignorance of the blow that was about to fall.  
  
Chandler met her eyes, but lost his courage and glanced at the floor with shame.  
  
Joey reached out to hold his hand, and offered in a whisper, "You want me to tell her?"  
  
Chandler shook his head and wanted to do this himself, for Joey would probably take too much pleasure in dumping Janice, and he didn't want to hurt her more than was necessary. So Chandler tried again and spoke as gently as he could, "Janice, I'm sorry, but I-I have to break up with you."  
  
"What?" Janice glanced at Joey suspiciously and pushed his hand away from Chandler's. "Sweetie, you don't 'have to' do anything he tells you to do. He's just--"  
  
"No, no!" Chandler interrupted. "It's not that Joey told me I 'have to' at all. It's, uh, it's actually about my parents, Janice. You see, I just found out... something even more weird and disturbing about them today, and I just--I can't stand the thought of us ending up like they did. I mean, I don't want to screw up your kid, or for us to hate each other someday. So I think we should break up before it's too late. I'm sorry."  
  
Janice couldn't believe what she was hearing. "What do you mean 'too late'? And what about your parents?" She thought for a moment and guessed, "Did you call your dad today?"  
  
Chandler shook his head. "No, um, it was his old letters that he sent me years ago. I never read them before, but I didn't throw them away either. I just stashed them with all that other stuff at the back of my closet." Chandler had told Janice about these embarrassing relics from his childhood during their conversation the other night.  
  
"You did?" she asked, baffled. "I don't even understand why you would keep any of that stuff for so long, if it makes you that uncomfortable."  
  
Chandler shrugged and couldn't really defend his logic. "I don't know. I guess I'm paranoid that somebody will dig through my trash and find all that stuff. But it's like whenever Joey puts a scary book in the freezer: if I put that stuff in the closet, it's like I have control over it and I'm safe from my memories."  
  
"Oh, honey!" Janice tried to hug him comfortingly, but Joey got jealous and pulled Chandler closer to him.  
  
Chandler didn't like being fought over, and he withdrew from both of them. "So, um, Joey finally got me to read the letters today, and it turns out that my dad was in love with his best man from the wedding, and he and my mom tried to share him for a while, but it just turned into a big disaster, and the guy left, you know, to get away from the bickering. My dad was so heartbroken, he became an alcoholic blond chasing after 20-year-old boys, and my mom became... my mom." He shuddered at the thought of his mother, the Freudian nightmare.  
  
Janice was surprised, but fairly calm about this revelation. "They had a three-way with a guy? Wow, well that certainly explains a lot about their bitterness and jealousy. Your parents didn't handle their divorce nearly as well as Ross and Carol handled theirs, and even that situation got tense and petty sometimes about Susan or Ben."  
  
Chandler grimaced at the memory of his parents' divorce, which was filled with so much wretchedness and spite that he only survived the trauma by living in denial, wetting the bed, smoking, and using humor as a defense mechanism. No wonder he grew up to have so many issues about commitment and relationships.  
  
"Yeah, it got really... really bad at the end," Chandler whispered simply. "And I just, I don't want us to end up like that, Janice. I don't!"  
  
"Of course not, honey!" Janice spoke with understanding and sympathy, "I'm sorry about what happened with your parents. I really am. But, Chandler, I don't see how this changes anything now. Just because it didn't work out for your parents doesn't mean it won't work out for us. We're not them. Please don't be so pessimistic."  
  
Joey scoffed. "Are you crazy? It's like a guaranteed disaster! Did Chandler tell you about how he didn't like being strung along by that Aurora girl? Did Phoebe tell you how she found out that her parents had a thing with her birthmother, who abandoned her and they all lied for years? It never works out!"  
  
Janice shook her head and insisted, "No, you're wrong, Joey! A three-way relationship is only bad sometimes!" She turned to Chandler and explained, "Honey, there are bad marriages and good marriages, but that doesn't mean all marriages are doomed from the start, right? Some people are happy, and it's not a disaster. A three-way can really work sometimes, if the people are just committed enough and mature enough to handle it. I mean, in the history of art and literature, there's all sorts of unconventional relationships, you know? And hey, the French invented that phrase ménage a trios for people who live like that, so it does work sometimes!" Seeing Joey's continued skepticism, she sighed and pointed out, "Well, hey, look at what happened with your parents and their mistress! They all know about each other, right? And how long have they been together, huh?"  
  
Joey was shocked that she would use his parents as an example, for he certainly wasn't happy with the continued affair with Ronni Rappellano, the pet mortician. No matter how nice this mistress was, how happy she made his father, or how Gloria said that she was fine with it, Joey still felt that a terrible wrong was being done to his mother, and he wished that they would all come to their senses and stop.  
  
While Joey gave her a look of speechless outrage, Chandler replied to Janice's question, "Um, I think ten years now." He added the past four years to the six years that Joseph Sr. had confessed to regarding his secret affair.  
  
"Well, there you go," Janice nodded. "They've clearly made it work."  
  
Chandler's hopes were raised, and he started to be swayed by her argument, but Joey protested stubbornly, "No, no! It's wrong and it's cheating! You're just making excuses so you can get your way."  
  
"No, I'm not!" Janice responded angrily, "It's only cheating when your lover doesn't know about it and isn't okay with it! Like what you do when you're dating girls and start seeing someone else on the side, when they don't know about it. That's cheating! How do you think those girls feel when they find out you've used them and lied to them?"  
  
Caught off guard, Joey frowned and stammered, "But--but I wasn't serious about them. I-I was just having fun."  
  
"Fun! Hmph. I bet they didn't think it was fun when you dumped them! How would you react if some guy did that kind of stuff to one your women friends, huh? Or your sisters? Didn't you come down hard on Chandler for making out with your sister?"  
  
Joey bit his lip and wished that Chandler hadn't told Janice everything. "Well, it wasn't just that. He groped her in the storage room and said he could seriously fall for her. Then he lied to me too, and didn't remember which sister, and caused a big incident."  
  
"I know, but you do more than grope your dates, Joey, and I know you tell them all sorts of insincere lines, because you once dated my friend Lorraine. You're lucky those girls didn't have some close friend or brother who'd come after you for your behavior."  
  
Joey felt guilty and admitted, "All right, fine. But that's still not the same as this three-way thing you're talking about, Janice. When you love someone and they really matter to you, you stop fooling around. I mean, I did that with Kate. I broke up with her understudy and thought she'd break up with the director, but she didn't. She pretended like it meant nothing to her, and it really hurt me. I don't want that to happen again." He reached out for Chandler's hand and met his eyes meaningfully.  
  
"But no one would have to be hurt this time," Janice said. "There'd be no lying or going behind each other's backs. We'd be upfront about everything. I mean, you've had threesomes with girls, Joey, so you know it's possible to share someone without lying, even if it's only for one night of passion. Now Chandler and I have had a threesome with Phoebe, and--"  
  
"What?!" Joey looked stunned and confused.  
  
Chandler blushed deeply and wasn't sure what to say. "I, uh, I..." He gulped and trailed off.  
  
Janice explained, "We had it this weekend, Joey. That's why Phoebe was around so much. We lied to everybody about it for privacy's sake, but if you're gonna be part of a three-way with us, then you might as well know."  
  
"That's why you--? Ugh!" Joey realized now why Phoebe was being so chummy with Janice; they were having sex. But unlike most lesbian couplings that he liked to fantasize about, Joey was repulsed by that image, and he didn't like Janice assuming that he'd agree to a three-way involving her too.  
  
Janice declared, "The point is, Joey, it's possible to love someone and yet be okay with inviting another person into your relationship. Chandler loves us both, and you and me would just have to compromise and agree to get along again, like on our Day of Fun, you know? I mean, it could even be helpful and practical for both of us to share him. I wouldn't need to be here all the time, when I'm busy and worn out with Ruthie, and you can enjoy Chandler for most of the week. And maybe you can teach him how to cook more things and babysit Ruthie. Maybe I could do you favors too, if you tell me what you want."  
  
Joey thought that she sounded far too dispassionate about this proposed arrangement. "Helpful and practical!" he snorted. "This is about love! If you really loved him, you wouldn't be okay with this. You'd get jealous."  
  
"I do get jealous!" she told him, taking offense at his accusation. "Why do you think I kicked you out of here the other night, Joey? I love Chandler Bing with all my heart and soul, and the way he looks at you sometimes makes me ache." She sighed and barely held back her tears. "But it's just that, with me having Ruthie to take care of, I don't have nearly as much time or energy to give Chandler as I used to, and Chandler gets very insecure when I'm not around. I just thought, if you could be here for him, if you could help keep him happy, then I could live with this arrangement. I'd do anything for him. He's my soulmate!"  
  
Joey still hated that word, as applied to Chandler and Janice. "He doesn't belong to you! I'm the one who's been with Chandler all these years, before you ever came along. You just come in and out of his life like some pest, and then you left him for Gary."  
  
"How dare you?! It's not like you were sleeping with him all that time and were honest about your feelings. Besides, Chandler was the one who kept dumping me stupidly back then, even when I was ready to forgive him and start over many times. And Gary was my husband and the father of my child! I couldn't just ignore that, and the divorce wasn't even final yet, so I gave my marriage one more try, for my family's sake. But I never stopped loving Chandler! I never did."  
  
Joey pouted. "That didn't do Chandler any good that Thanksgiving after you left. He was all scared that he'd die alone again, and I was the one who had to take care of him. I'm there when he needs me."  
  
"And yet you left him once, didn't you?" she answered. "You moved out and left for that new apartment. You left him all alone because of some silly fight and you hurt him deeply. You're not so perfect, either, Joey! Everyone makes mistakes. I made a mistake and lost Chandler before, and I don't want to lose him again. Can't you see that, Joey?"  
  
Joey remained inflexible. "You got Phoebe. What do you need Chandler for?"  
  
"Ohh!" Janice almost reached over to slap him. "I love him, that's why! If you loved him--"  
  
"I do! More than you! You're already cheating on him again!"  
  
They fought loudly about cheating and who loved Chandler more, furiously talking over each other and interrupting each other with petty insults.  
  
"Stop it, stop it!" Chandler shouted over them. He couldn't take this anymore, for it reminded him too much of his parents' vicious bickering during their divorce. It didn't bode well for a three-way relationship, if they were this jealous and hostile to each other, and he didn't want to be fought over.  
  
When they had quieted down and turned to him apologetically, Chandler gulped and forced himself to say, "Janice... Janice, I think--I think you should go. And not come back."  
  
"What?" she blinked and gasped. "But Chandler, I--! Honey, I'm so sorry about this fight. I just lost my temper, but--"  
  
He shook his head. "It's--it's just like my parents. I-I won't live through that again."  
  
Joey took Chandler's hand and squeezed it reassuringly. He was glad that Chandler saw sense and was sticking by his earlier decision to break up with Janice.  
  
She got very upset, pleading, "But--but we're soulmates! We belong together. I-I love you, Bing-a-ling."  
  
Chandler winced and wanted to say that he loved her too. In fact, he loved her enough to let her go, hoping that she'd find a normal, happy life with someone else, instead of getting tangled up in a re-creation of his parents' twisted relationship. "Go. Before it's too late."  
  
Janice just stared at him and couldn't accept that this was the end. That there would be no Chan and Jan forever. She wept openly, reaching for a handkerchief and sniffling as she got up from the couch. "Fine!" she choked through her tears. "Fine, I'll go now if that's what you really want, Chandler."  
  
He nodded and wouldn't face her. His heart was breaking too.  
  
Janice gave up and turned to grab her coat and purse. But as she walked past, she turned to Joey and poked him in the chest threateningly. "But you listen to me, buster! If you ever, ever cheat on Chandler and hurt him, then I'll hunt you down and make you pay!"  
  
"I won't hurt him!" Joey said fiercely, tempted to add, "Not like you" to remind her of her infidelity with Gary. But another gibe like that would probably upset Chandler right now, so he held his tongue.  
  
Janice scoffed, not believing for a second that Joey was capable of fidelity yet, no matter how much he claimed to love Chandler. She just gathered her things and went to the door. Then she opened it and looked back to Chandler miserably, whispering, "Goodbye, Bing-a-ling. I'll--I'll miss you so much. If it doesn't work out with him--"  
  
"It will!" Joey said indignantly, losing patience. "I'm not gonna cheat on him! So just leave, like he told you to."  
  
She scowled at Joey, then exited and slammed the door.  
  
Hating to see her so hurt, Chandler got up and started to go after her with regret, but Joey stopped him and looked hurt.  
  
"Chandler?"  
  
Turning away from the door, Chandler sighed and sat down. "I'm sorry, Joe. I'm sorry. It's just--it's just, I love her. I still love her, Joe. This is so hard!" He put his head down in his hands and cried.  
  
"I know." Joey came closer and hugged him. "But you'll get over her again, and you'll be with me. We'll--we'll be happy. You'll see."  
  
Chandler nodded but didn't feel anywhere near happy now.  
  
[Don't worry about Janice just yet. She'll be comforted by Phoebe for now, and eventually the three-way arrangement will return as a viable possibility.  
  
Joey just needs some time alone with Chandler to prove his fidelity and to get over his insecurity about Chandler's love for him. And of course, to reconcile with Janice.] 


	28. Heartbroken

**No, I haven't given up on this story yet. I'm just having trouble with the chapter where Joey reconciles with Janice.**

After Janice's departure, Chandler put his head upon Joey's shoulder and sadly grieved the loss of his soulmate. Joey kissed him and stroked his head tenderly, knowing that it would take some time for Chandler to get over Janice again, but he was quite willing to help Chandler through that difficult period. Hopefully, because he and Chandler were in love now, Chandler wouldn't be nearly as devastated as last time, and he wouldn't panic about dying alone once more.

While Joey and Chandler embraced on the couch, the chick and the duck, who had timidly witnessed all the shouting and fighting from a corner of the living room, approached them curiously, even quacking and clucking with concern.

Joey hushed them, "Guys, come on. Not now."

Still the birds hung around and flapped their wings, sensing that something was wrong and that they shouldn't leave Chandler's side, just like when he broke up with Kathy a couple of weeks ago and wouldn't change out of his sweatpants. They had followed him around for days, all through Phase One.

"It's okay," Joey told the birds, "I got him." Turning back to Chandler, Joey smiled softly and realized that there was another meaning to those words. "I got him," he whispered, gazing at Chandler with love in his eyes. Now Chandler was his, his and no one else's. It was a wonderful feeling.

Joey mentally kicked himself for having been too dense to figure out how he felt about Chandler before now. He realized that the emotions had been there for a long time, just underneath the surface and disguised by friendship. Chandler was far more special to him than a mere friend or roommate, and Joey loved him intensely. He felt so lucky and happy to know that Chandler returned his feelings and wasn't afraid of him. No more would Chandler shyly turn away from his kisses. No more would he run from Joey's arms and hide in his bedroom. They would be together now. Raising Chandler's face to his, Joey kissed his lips gently and explored how warm and soft they were.

Unfortunately, there came a sudden knock on their door, startling them both. Monica asked from outside, "Hey, are you guys still watching that free porn?"

"Um, yeah, yeah!" Joey answered, glancing at Chandler worriedly. "Uh, don't come in!"

"Okay." Monica sounded slightly creeped out, wondering what kind of kinky porn they must be watching now. She was glad that apparently they still had the TV on mute.

Rachel groaned. "Ugh, I knew it. You guys are such perverts! How can you just sit there and watch porn all day?"

"Because it's free!" Joey answered, hoping they would go away soon.

Chandler said nothing, feeling anxious and unsettled as he clung to Joey tightly.

Monica said, "Fine, but don't stay like that too long! Remember that time when you boys wouldn't move from your chairs for days? You were like zombies!"

"Yeah!" Rachel chimed in, sounding annoyed. "And you were so lazy, too, sending all your delivery food over to our place so that we'd let them in for you. Well, don't try doing that again, 'cause neither of us are even going to be home tonight."

"That's right. We've both got dates!"

"Yeah, so there! See you tomorrow." Then Monica and Rachel went into their apartment together to change their clothes for their dates with Devon and Geoffrey.

Hearing the girls leave the hallway, Joey sighed with relief and gently let go of Chandler. Then he got up and quickly locked the front door again, just to make sure that no one else would drop by and bother them tonight.

Chandler meanwhile lay down on the couch and curled up in fetal position. So much had changed in just one day. Joey had kissed him, he'd broken up with Janice, and now they were hiding from their other friends, whom he'd forgotten all about during his crisis. Chandler wasn't sure what he wanted to tell their friends about what had happened. How could they even explain it all?

Just then, Joey returned and knelt down in front of Chandler, kissing him again. "So, uh, it's almost dinner time, you know? You want me to make you something?"

He shrugged and felt too depressed to eat. "Nah."

"You sure?" Joey knew how upset Chandler was and really wanted to soothe and take care of him. He offered, "I could heat up some leftovers, or, hey, we could bake another loaf in the breadmaker! Ooh, that would be great with all the jam we got. Remember how much fun we had the other night, huh? Remember?"

Chandler recalled how they had playfully thrown flour at each other in the kitchen, and how later, when he took a shower, he had fantasized about Joey joining him and washing him clean. That was definitely a pleasant memory. Chandler nodded and smiled faintly, "Yeah, I remember."

Pleased, Joey kissed him fondly and caressed his cheek before going to the kitchen to begin making dinner. He left Chandler in the immediate company of the chick and the duck, who still attempted to lend any nonverbal support that they could.

---

Meanwhile, Janice was quite distraught about the breakup too, and she hurried over to Phoebe's apartment, looking for a shoulder to cry on.

When Phoebe saw Janice sobbing, she immediately hugged her and pulled her inside. "Oh, Janice, what happened?"

"It's Chandler! Chandler and Joey." That sent Janice into another burst of tears. She moaned and couldn't believe that things had turned out this disastrous way, when she had been so optimistic just a few hours ago.

"What do you mean?" Phoebe asked. "Were they fighting about you?" She knew that Joey was not fond of Janice, and this weekend in particular, he had seemed very angry about Janice kicking him out after dinner.

Her mascara running, Janice loudly and miserably blew her nose into her handkerchief.

Phoebe sat her down on the couch and rocked Janice comfortingly in her arms.

In the next bedroom, Phoebe's grandmother Frances woke up from her nap and stood in the doorway, concerned by all the fuss in the living room. "What's wrong? Are you all right, dear?"

Janice remained incoherent, so Phoebe answered her grandma, "I don't know what happened, but her aura's all murky."

Frances nodded in agreement. "You think so too? Maybe it would help if I made some tea to calm her."

"Thank you." While Frances went to the kitchen, Phoebe held onto Janice and wiped away some of the make up from her face, whispering, "Shh, it's okay, honey. It's okay. Just tell me what happened."

Janice managed to compose herself a little, but she answered, "I-I can't. Not--not now." She glanced toward the kitchen and felt it was too personal and humiliating to explain the whole breakup in front of Phoebe's grandmother.

Phoebe took the hint and suggested, "Well, how about we go over to your apartment, okay?"

Janice nodded, so Phoebe got up from the couch and told her grandmother not to bother about the tea, because they were leaving now.

"You are, dear?"

"Yeah. You can go back to your nap, Grandma, and we'll sort this all out at Janice's place instead."

"Oh, all right."

Phoebe put her arm around Janice and started to lead her to the door. "Oh, where's Ruthie now? Should we go pick her up from daycare?"

Janice gasped and felt horribly guilty. "Oh, Ruthie! I forgot about her. I-I left her with a babysitter so I could go see Chandler and Joey today." She started crying anew. "Oh my God, I can't believe I forgot about my baby!"

"Oh, it's okay," Phoebe reassured her. "You're upset, that's all. We'll go pick her up now."

In the cab, Phoebe brushed the hair from Janice's face and tried to make small talk to distract her.

"So, um, I had my sonogram today, and guess what? I'm having triplets."

"Triplets?" Janice looked at her in surprise.

"Yeah, those stupid doctors! First they tell me that the chances of me getting pregnant are really sucky, and then they say that I've got triplets. Anyway, I told Frank and Alice about it, and they want the triplets, but I'm afraid they won't have enough money. Frank even thinks that he should drop out of college to get a job."

"He's in college?"

"Refrigerator college."

"Oh."

"Anyway, I've been trying to come up with ideas to make money so that Frank can stay in school. I was gonna ask Chandler if he could give me any kind of insider trading info."

Janice got upset at the mention of Chandler again, and Phoebe apologized and tried to soothe her. Luckily, they soon reached their stop and went in to retrieve Ruthie from the babysitter.

Meanwhile, Ross arrived at Phoebe's apartment, depressed about Emily going back to England. In fact, he even told Emily he loved her, only to find out over the phone that she already had a boyfriend named Colin. He need someone to confide his troubles in.

Frances answered the door and told Ross that Phoebe wasn't home. "She went to her friend Janice's apartment."

"Her too?" Ross was frustrated. "Monica and Rachel are out on dates, and Joey and Chandler aren't home. Where am I supposed to go now, Carol and Susan's?"

"Well, you could stay and have tea with me," Frances offered. "It will clear up your aura."

Ross was skeptical, but decided that he was desperate enough for comfort that he'd even let France do a psychic reading on him, if it would help him know what to do about Emily.

---

Of course, Joey and Chandler really were home, but they were hiding from their friends. After Joey made dinner for Chandler, they lounged on the couch, talking and kissing. Joey did his best to take care of Chandler and soothe his pain. When Ross tried knocking on the door, they quickly hushed and waited for him to give up and leave.

Then they got up and retreated into Joey's bedroom, to talk freely. They lay on the bed, and Joey even let Chandler hold Hugsy for comfort.

Chandler sighed and tried not to miss Janice, but it was hard. Still, he knew it was for the best, because he couldn't bear ending up like his parents did.

Joey curled up around him and kissed him gently.

With a sigh, Chandler started talking about his father's letters again. "I-I never read them before. I never knew. He apologized for a lot of stuff, and I just ignored him."

"Well, do you--do you want to call him, or visit him in Vegas?"

"I don't know. I mean, I still have trouble even talking to my mom."

"Yeah." Joey was pensive. "I'm not sure how I'm gonna talk to my parents. It was weird enough finding out about my dad's mistress."

"Do you think we should tell the gang too? We can't hide from them forever."

"Well, we have to tell them that you broke up with Janice at least. If you want, I could say I'm staying home to take care of you. And we can read those Godfather books like we said, and cook stuff, and everything."

"Yeah." He wondered if Janice was telling Phoebe about what happened.

---

At home at last, Janice told Phoebe about her breakup with Chandler.

"And just when the guy admits that he loves Chandler, he refuses to share! He says I gotta go, or else!"

"Wow," Phoebe said. "But I think that could be because he hates you, and he's jealous."

"No kidding! And he thinks that I'm a cheater and Chandler shouldn't trust me! The nerve!"

"Oh, honey! You should have told me this stuff before. I could have helped talk Joey into a threesome, I bet." And maybe every now and then it could be a foursome, including Phoebe.

Janice sighed. "Maybe, but I promised Chandler I wouldn't. He got very panicky and kept talking about finding a psychiatrist to cure him of his gay dreams."

"And yet one kiss changed his mind? Joey's a good kisser, but I think Chandler's rushing things."

"Well, he said he didn't want to break up with me, but those letters from his dad convinced him. Apparently his parents had a three-way too, but they broke up because of jealousy and bitter fights. He's afraid that we'll end up just like them, so he said we should stop before it's too late."

"Yeah, Chandler does tend to think fatalistically. He kept thinking he was doomed to die alone."

"If only I could somehow try to convince him that he's wrong! But Joey kept arguing with me, and Chandler couldn't take the bickering."

"Well, I can understand why he would be shocked. I was very upset when I found out that I had a birthmom, and she abandoned me too. Maybe he needs some time to deal with that."

"But how long? And what am I gonna do without him?"

"You've still got me, Janice." She hugged her close and kissed her. "I might not be your soulmate, but I still care about you."

"Thanks." She cried against Phoebe's shoulder.

---

Meanwhile, Rachel's date with Geoffrey started well, because this time her name was spelled correctly on the list, so the bouncer let them into Joshua's club. It was a very hip, trendy night-club crowded full of stylish people. Geoffrey got them some drinks while Rachel glanced around for Joshua, hoping to make him jealous. Before she could spot him, though, Geoff pulled her onto the dance floor, and she decided to do some sexy moves and just hope that she could attract Joshua's attention, wherever he might be. She was wearing a hot dress that really showed off her figure.

When they took breaks from dancing, Geoff would try to chat with her despite the loud music, but she wasn't really paying attention to him. Later that night, Geoffrey got rather drunk and aggressive, even picking fights with some other guys in the club because they apparently insulted his favorite rugby team.

Joshua came to her rescue and had him kicked out club, so maybe Rachel's plan had worked after all. He put his arm around her protectively, and offered to take her home. She accepted and asked where he had been all night.

Monica spent a wonderful third date at Devon's apartment, while Ross went home and tried not to fret about Emily. Luckily, she finally called him again and said that she broke up with Colin for him.

"I've never had a long-distance relationship before, but if you want to try, I-I think you're worth it. I love you."

"Thank you!" Ross was certainly delighted.

With these happy developments in their lives, the friends certainly did not expect to discover that Chandler had experienced a traumatic breakup the same night.


	29. Recovering

So the long, slow process of healing and moving on began. Joey and Chandler remained in his bed until they fell asleep. During the night, Joey woke up restlessly and got up to undress, then he tucked Chandler under the covers before going back to sleep.

In the morning, Chandler woke up to find Joey naked beside him. He dropped Hugsy with a gasp and wondered if he was having another gay dream. He woke Joey up just to be sure. "Uh, hey."

Joey blinked and smiled at him. "Hey. You feeling better?"

Chandler shrugged, and Joey pulled him close to hug him. Chandler blushed at how naked he was. "When--when did you get naked?"

Joey answered, "After you fell asleep last night. Why, does it bother you?" Maybe he should have put some shorts on.

Chandler shook his head. "No, I-I-I just thought I was dreaming again."

"You had a dream like this?"

"Yeah." Chandler sighed and touched Joey's arms lightly, enjoying the warmth and texture of his skin.

Grinning, Joey kissed him and coaxed Chander to tell him more about his dreams. "What'd we do, huh?"

Chandler said shyly, "Well, um, the--the first dream was after that Knicks game the other night. We were in bed, and I was, uh, apologizing for pushing you off when you kissed my cheek, you know. I said that you could kiss me again, but only in private, and then you--you did, and I-I kissed you back."

"And then we started making out?"

He nodded. "Yeah, and we--we got naked and..." He hesitated to go on. "Then I-I woke up kind of freaked out and went to take a cold shower. I wondered if you could hear me, and I started imagining you waking up too and--and getting in the shower with me..."

Turned on by that fantasy, Joey growled and eagerly suggested that they go do that.

So they got out of bed and took a hot, steamy shower, washing and touching each other tentatively. They lingered for quite a while until Chandler realized that he should probably go get ready for work.

Joey pulled him closer with a kiss. "You sure you can't call in sick again?"

Chandler shook his head and blushed, not sure how much further he could go with Joey if they stayed home today. "Don't you have any auditions to go to?"

Joey shrugged. "I guess I could check in with Estelle again. Hey, remember when we talked about you quitting your job? You could quit and could get a new job, like at Ross's museum. You wanna do that?"

Chandler thought about it. "Uh, maybe, but we've got to get you a steady job too, so we can still pay our bills."

Joey nodded. "Okay."

With a final kiss, they turned off the water and exited the shower. They reached for the dry towels, and Chandler picked up his clothes from the floor, then returned to his bedroom to dress. Joey took his turn at the sink and toilet before going back to make his bed.

* * *

Later, while Joey toasted some bread and opened a jar of jam for breakfast, there came a knock on the front door.

"Hey, it's still locked!" Rachel said. "Don't tell me you guys are still watching free porn?"

Joey said, "Sorry," and unlocked the door for her.

Rachel was glad to see that the TV was off, so she came into the kitchen and started telling him how great her date was last night. Chandler came out of the bathroom while she was talking, and he exchanged glances with Joey, not sure whether they ought to tell her their own news as well. They decided to let her finish.

Soon Monica and Ross also dropped by, and they sat down to chat as usual. Defending his toast and jam from them, Joey suggested that they have cereal instead.

Finally Phoebe arrived and stood in the doorway, observing the happy normality of the scene. Then she firmly cleared her throat to get everyone's attention, and the group turned to greet her cheerfully. Only Joey and Chandler looked at her silently and uncomfortably, and in return Phoebe seemed to be scrutinizing them coldly.

"What's going on, you guys?" Rachel asked, noticing the tension and awkwardness.

Staying by the door, Phoebe folded her arms and raised her eyebrows at Joey and Chandler. "So are you gonna tell them, or should I do it?"

Chandler frowned and looked upset. Joey rubbed his back and explained to the others, "Uh, Chandler and Janice broke up last night."

"They did?"

"Oh no! What happened?"

"Why didn't you tell us before now?"

They sympathetically gathered around to comfort Chandler, but Phoebe just nagged, "Yeah, Joey, tell them why."

The friends were puzzled by her demeanor, although Ross realized that Phoebe must know about the breakup because she went to Janice's apartment last night. Perhaps Chandler was at fault somehow, and she sympathized with Janice?

Worried that it was too soon to get into all the sordid details, Joey looked at Chandler and asked, "You want me to tell them?"

Chandler shook his head, and decided that he ought to say something. So he began simply, "Well, um, yesterday, Joey and I kissed."

The others gasped in astonishment, while Joey hugged Chandler and squeezed his shoulder. He thought that Chandler might be too afraid to be that honest yet.

Chandler continued, "And, um, I called Janice, and she came over. Then--then she and Joey kept fighting, so I broke up with her so it wouldn't get any worse."

"You kissed?"

"You're gay?"

While Chandler's summary was factually correct, Phoebe felt it was important to fill in the missing details. "That's not all! They--"

"Phoebe!" Joey scolded her. "If he doesn't want to talk about that part, then leave him alone."

"But it's your fault! Janice could have convinced him to have a threesome, if you hadn't been so stubborn and mean to her."

"Threesome?" Now the gang were even more perplexed.

"It's not his fault," Chandler said. "It was because of my dad's letters. I don't want us to end up like that."

"What?"

"Huh?"

Still looking resentfully at Phoebe, Joey explained to the group about the letters they had read yesterday, and the decisive conclusions that Chandler had drawn from them.

Monica, Rachel, and Ross could hardly absorb all these startling revelations about Janice's shocking offer, and about the Bings' disastrous three-way relationship. Once they heard it all, they did generally agree that Chandler was sensible to refuse Janice's offer and to end the relationship with her.

"No, it didn't have to be like that!" Phoebe protested that if Joey had been more flexible, then they could have had a successful, non-traumatic three-way.

Rachel scoffed. "Come on, Phoebe! You don't really believe people could be happy that way, do you? Especially after what happened with your parents."

Phoebe was rather taken aback by the reference to her complicated family. She didn't think of it that way before, but still, the problem there had not been jealousy, as far as she knew; her birth parents had just been young and scared, running away from hard responsibilities. Phoebe still felt that Janice shouldn't have been dumped and forced out.

Rachel continued skeptically, "It's just not normal, except on some crazy hippie commune."

Monica nodded. "It's twisted. Just like when Chandler dated that free-loving Aurora, remember? There'd always be jealousy, not to mention risky sex--"

Phoebe said, "Technically, Aurora had an open marriage, not a stable--"

"Whatever you wanna call it!" Monica dismissively lumped all polygamous relationships together with a gesture. "It wouldn't have worked out, especially since Joey was getting jealous and upset even before he kissed Chandler."

"Well I don't know," Ross said evenly. He shrugged and tried to understand Janice's point of view, since she hadn't seemed morally loose or sexually unconventional before. "Richard Leakey had a theory about monogamy--"

The others leaned back and pretended to snore, then laughed.

Ross gave up on educating them; he had no proof that Janice herself had read or knew of Leakey's theory, anyway. Perhaps Janice was merely willing to settle for an imperfect arrangement, just like when Joey's mother Gloria preferred her husband's behavior when he had a mistress.

Phoebe gave up too, and sat down at the table with a sigh, while the others peppered Joey and Chandler with confused and curious questions about their new relationship.

Chandler gulped and decided to escape them by getting up and grabbing his briefcase. In front of their prying eyes, he felt too nervous to kiss Joey before leaving for work, but Joey smiled fondly and kissed his cheek before letting him go.

The gang then tried to get further information out of Joey, but Joey was reluctant to explain anything more, and he also felt that he ought to be discreet about his and Chandler's private activities. "Don't you guys have jobs to get to? Go on, get out of here."

* * *

When the gang gathered together for lunch at the coffeehouse, Phoebe didn't show up, and Chandler guessed that she might be with Janice just now. It caused Chandler a pang of heartache, but he decided that it was good for Janice to have someone understanding to go to after their breakup. As long as Phoebe didn't continue arguing with them, or bring Janice around anymore, Chandler thought that he could cope with it. After all, Phoebe didn't bring Bonnie around anymore after Ross broke up with her.

After getting them coffee and cookies, Joey sat with his arm around Chandler and told him that Estelle got him a few auditions and gave him the script pages.

"Oh, okay, then maybe we'll rehearse tonight."

"Yeah." Joey happily kissed him again, making him blush.

"Ooh!" the friends reacted teasingly.

Joey and Chandler still dodged personal inquiries by asking more about Monica's and Rachel's dates last night.

Ross also told them what happened between him and Emily. "I was looking all over for you guys to talk about it, too. If I'd known that you were both home last night--!" But then he realized that he wouldn't have wanted to walk in on whatever they were doing, so he cleared his throat. "Well, anyway, Emily finally called and told me that she broke up with the other guy and that she loves me too."

"Wow. That's great!"

"But wait, Ross. Are you sure you can trust her, since she didn't even tell you about that other guy before?"

"Yeah, you two flitted up to Vermont and did a lot of cheating these past two weeks. I wonder if Emily's family knew about the other guy too. They didn't mention a thing when you went to the doorknob museum with them, did they?"

"No, they didn't." Ross sighed and said, "Well, Emily said that she was afraid to get serious with me and have a long-distance relationship. She thought it should be just a two-week fling while she was in the States, and then she'd go back to the other guy, Colin. But she really missed me and now she's decided to commit to me. She's gonna fly back next weekend to see me."

"Oh, and then you're gonna fly over there next weekend? Don't you have Ben, though?"

"Oh, right." He frowned. "Well, I'll have to work something out with Emily once she gets back here. This might be complicated."

After lunch, most of the friends returned to work, while Joey went to the grocery store with money that Chandler had given him to buy vegetarian food. He still was tempted to cheat on his promise to Phoebe, but he realized that Phoebe might catch him and hassle him about it, just like she hassled them about Janice.

When he got home from shopping, Joey put away the groceries and made more bread in the breadmaker. While waiting for the dough to rise, Joey decided to go out again, and he found a nearby bookstore, where he asked for the Godfather trilogy.

The books were more expensive than he thought, so Joey had to go to a library instead. The circulation clerk thought he wanted to check out a copy of the movies, and started to direct him to that section, but Joey clarified, "No, um, I meant the books. Me and Chandler are gonna read them."

"All right." The clerk did not ask who Chandler was, but looked up Mario Puzo's books and helped him check out the first book for now.

"Thanks." Joey took the book home and felt rather proud of himself. He had a library card now. Soon he and Chandler would read this book together, and maybe more books after the trilogy. He wondered whether _Die Hard_ came from a book too.

In any case, reading would not only distract Chandler from brooding about Janice, but it would help Joey be smarter for him. He still felt insecure after all of Chandler's jokes about him being dumb, and he feared that Chandler must have preferred Janice because of her knowledge of art and books. College junk.

Sitting down on the couch while waiting for the bread to bake, Joey looked at the book and started to skim the first chapter, wondering if it started out in the same way as the movie did. He hoped that nothing would be too scary in it, like with _The Shining_. He'd have to go make room in the freezer.

* * *

Uptown, Phoebe took Janice out to lunch, to check on her recovery from the breakup. She hugged her and asked, "You okay?"

Janice sat down heavily and answered, "Well, I was crying a little at work. Is my mascara fixed?"

"Yeah." She sat down and squeezed Janice's hand. After they ordered their meals, Phoebe told her, "This morning I tried to talk to the gang about why Chandler broke up with you, but they didn't really want to listen."

"Oh, that's all right. It doesn't matter what they think. Just Chandler." Janice sighed sadly. "I thought he really believed that we were soulmates. I thought he wanted a happy ending this time."

"It's Joey's fault."

"Joey didn't understand that it's not cheating if you're all honest and agree to it. And I know that I really did cheat with Gary before, but it was just two kisses! When is he going to stop throwing that in my face? Chandler forgave me and took me back."

"And Joey got upset about me having a threesome with you guys, too?"

"He said, 'You've got Phoebe. What do you need Chandler for?' But I love him, Phoebe! And I do need him. He's my Bing-a-ling." She started to cry again and loudly blew her nose on a napkin.

To distract Janice from her pain, Phoebe changed the subject. "Um, Janice, could you give me some advice? Remember when I told you that I want to make money so that Frank Jr. could stay in refrigerator college?"

Janice nodded and calmed down a bit. "Yeah, do you still need help?"

"Yeah. You see, I was thinking I could maybe do something with the van that me and Monica bought for catering. She made a big list of things I could pick up or deliver with it, but I'm not sure that I wanna do any of that stuff. Except, like, form the new A-Team." She handed Janice the notepad full of Monica's ideas.

The waitress came back with their orders, so they started to eat.

Janice skimmed through the notebook and said with a shrug, "Well, maybe you could use the van to carry around your massage table, Phoebe, now that you're not working at the parlor anymore. It will get very hard to carry that thing around as you get further along in your pregnancy."

"Oh, yeah, you're right! And I bet I'll get really big because it's triplets. Maybe, um, I could carry around some extra stuff in the van to sell to my massage clients too--like incense, candles, and massage oils."

"Yeah, that would be good. And you can paint on the side of your van 'Phoebe Buffay, Masseuse' and your number. That's free advertising whenever your van is parked outside while you're massaging your client in their apartment."

"But I'd still probably have to drag the massage table upstairs, and lots of people don't even have elevators in their buildings. Ugh! It'd be so much easier if I could just massage them in the van--Ooh, I should massage them in the van!"

Janice considered that. "Are you sure it will be very relaxing, Phoebe? To get a massage in a van on the street? Some people might mistake it for something sleazy, too."

"Well, I'll them I'm not a whore!" she said simply. "And the more pregnant I am, the more they'll feel too guilty to make me go lugging stuff around."

"Yes, they'd probably have sympathy for you, and your regular clients do know and trust you already."

Phoebe nodded. "I could fix up the van so it looks nice, with some soft mood lighting inside and, um, curtains on the windows for privacy. I could bolt the massage table in the back, and put a place where they can hang up their clothes. I could have a tape player, too, so they can hear relaxing music and forget about the noises outside."

"And then when the massage is over, they get dressed again and pay you, and you'd probably try to sell them some oils and candles then?"

"Uh-huh."

"And then you'd just drive away to the next client's address? Oh, don't forget to open the curtains so that you can see while you're driving."

"Sure. I guess I'd have to tie them back."

"Hey, maybe you could even go to people's offices and massage them during their lunch hour. Just park right outside."

"Yeah! And then they can recommend me to their co-workers, who'll come out for a massage too."

Janice suggested, "Maybe you could start at my office, Phoebe? After you have the van fixed up, come to my work and park in the lot. Then I'll get a massage and convince some other people to come too."

"We could post a sign-up sheet outside. It'll be great, and I bet I'll sell a lot of incense!"

"Hmm. You might be handling a lot of money, Phoebe. I think it might be safer if you had somebody else with you to guard the money and help you with the merchandise, so you don't lose track of it. They could also sit upfront and drive the van for you."

"Ooh, I could do like a taxicab service too, driving people to other places if they want. I'll massage in the back, while Frank Jr. drives."

"Won't he be busy at refrigerator college?"

"Yeah, but we could work around his class schedule, and um, maybe my other friends would drive when he's busy. Like Bonnie, you know."

"That sounds good. Sort of a... Mobile Massage?"

"No, no, there's gotta be a better name than that. Um, it's a taxi, and a massage. You just lie there and relax while I massage you... Ooh, ooh! Relaxi-Taxi!"

Janice smiled and managed to laugh a bit at Phoebe's ingenuity. They discussed more details until they finished lunch. Then they paid the bill and got up to leave. Janice agreed to loan Phoebe some starter money for fixing up the van and getting massage merchandise, then they hugged before Janice went back to work.


End file.
